Taken - Comments

This seems like an interesting concept. I like how intense it was, and I think you're quite good at building up tension.

I would have liked to see a few things. First, the dream being in italics would have made the first chapter a lot less confusing. Second, it would be nice if we had more of a backstory. Like why was her father in an asylum after being abusive? How did he get out? What are the other characters' stories? And third, the second chapter seemed a bit unrealistic. Why would killing people be less likely to get them thrown in jail, especially if Angel just left her clothes there, than stealing a car would? Seems like they could have just stolen the car and be done with it. Unless it's foreshadowing for Angel's character or something, but I'm not sure.

Anyways, interesting story, good luck writing the rest!

So I read the first chapter, I do feel this story was a bit rushed. You should put the dream in italics those are the things to use. Because with the dream its a bit confusing, its suddenly he's standing over her and then she's waking up. With the italics it would give the reader a sense of "it this the past" or "is this a dream" and then in regular wording it would show that it's a dream. I don't if it needs more or less description. Try not to rush the story, because it deters the reader. Okay, they wake up and jump out of the window? And how did she get the premonitions? Was it from that abuse? I do feel like this story can lead to alot, you just have to slow down a bit. You are doing good though.

Whoah, slow your roll.They went from let's call the Asylum and get the police to ... hey let's kill a family of four. No disrespect, but it didn't really make sense. Instead of getting the police they killed a bunch of people. I guess I kind of understand not wanting to get caught, but no one gets in that much trouble for grand theft auto....
Good luck with this, but I think I'm out.

Okay, so read the first chapter and plan to continue. I love the tension and build up of someone being in the home. The fact that it's her father... gasp!
There are a few minor typos, but pshhh, who cares? Not me.
The only thing I found odd was our main lady calling her husband, my beloved. Felt a little strange \formal with repeated use.
Also, why the heck would you fall asleep with crazy pants on your heels?
Haha, I'm excited to read more.

@ Neil McCormick
This is actually pretty old, I do include paragraphs and separated dialogue in my newer work. I was going to edit this soon so your advice is quite helpful!

For your sour skittles! :3
If I'd just clicked on this I probably wouldn't have continued reading because of the lack of summary. But no summary at all is better than a bad one :')

Chapter one:

Instantly the first thing I've noticed is that it's all one block of text. This is going to make it very hard to read. You should space your work out into paragraphs, especially when there's different people talking like there are in this. Each new character speaking should be a new line, like so:

“Babe wake up please, someone’s breaking into our home.” He sat up quickly and rubbed his eyes.

“I’ll go check it out stay here please,” he murmured sleepily. I shook my head no and he sighed and picked up a baseball bat before we started the walk down the steps.

I also did spot a few spelling mistakes but with the help of a beta this could be easily remedied!

Apart from that I like the story line. It throws you into the action right away and gets you hooked, the fast paced tempo of it really sucks you into the story!

Chapter two:

Okay this is much better, there are at least some paracgraphs. It's definitely unusual having separate paragraphs in separate point of views in one chapter, I quite like it. However there is still the issue of spacing out the paragraphs. What you have it quite well written but a lot of people won't be able to because it's quite hard to. I really like how you describe the surroundings, and the emotions of the characters. I really felt like I could relate to them :)

Overall I think with some tweaks this could be a really good story so well done :D

First I gotta say
I love your layout
Especially the Raven pictures on the side
My all time favorite bird

Anywho,
I quite enjoyed this story
It was very interesting, to say the least.
Loving the font and descriptions

Keep up the good work
<3

nice