October 31st, 2012 at 02:34am
For your sour skittles! :3
If I'd just clicked on this I probably wouldn't have continued reading because of the lack of summary. But no summary at all is better than a bad one :')
Chapter one:
Instantly the first thing I've noticed is that it's all one block of text. This is going to make it very hard to read. You should space your work out into paragraphs, especially when there's different people talking like there are in this. Each new character speaking should be a new line, like so:
“Babe wake up please, someone’s breaking into our home.” He sat up quickly and rubbed his eyes.
“I’ll go check it out stay here please,” he murmured sleepily. I shook my head no and he sighed and picked up a baseball bat before we started the walk down the steps.
I also did spot a few spelling mistakes but with the help of a beta this could be easily remedied!
Apart from that I like the story line. It throws you into the action right away and gets you hooked, the fast paced tempo of it really sucks you into the story!
Chapter two:
Okay this is much better, there are at least some paracgraphs. It's definitely unusual having separate paragraphs in separate point of views in one chapter, I quite like it. However there is still the issue of spacing out the paragraphs. What you have it quite well written but a lot of people won't be able to because it's quite hard to. I really like how you describe the surroundings, and the emotions of the characters. I really felt like I could relate to them :)
Overall I think with some tweaks this could be a really good story so well done :D
This is actually pretty old, I do include paragraphs and separated dialogue in my newer work. I was going to edit this soon so your advice is quite helpful!