April 25th, 2012 at 08:11am
K so this was interesting.... Not too sure what to think about it yet. It has potential...
So it's a good idea. Pretty unique, as in even though you have the stereotypical slave idea, you're adding in new concepts that I haven't seen before, which is sure to make it more interesting to read.
As you probably wanted, I have a few pointers/con crit for you:
So at one point, you had quite a few sentences that started with "He" and just said "He did this. He did that." etc. So, it would have been better if the sentences didn't start with the same word so often. I got given this pointer a while back and it really helps. It makes the story easier to read. Of course, you don't have to stick to this all the time, and having the same word to start two sentences in a row can be okay, but it's something to think about. Also, you could have been doing it for effect, I don't know, since the rest of the story didn't do that noticeably, but yeah...
Also, partway through the story you had her talking and you said something about her "da." I think you missed the d at the end of "dad"?
And the first time you wrote her name, I actually got confused about who you were talking about. She hadn't introduced herself as Claire, Zack hadn't mentioned it previously and I just got a bit of a shock. And same for at the end, when Zack tells the cops her name. It would have been a bit nicer to have had it written into the story a bit earlier.
Now, this last thing could just be a NZer thing, but what is a CI? Is that common knowledge for Americans or is it something some other people might not know what it is? Perhaps it would be good to clarify this, or even just tell me if it's more common knowledge lol.
So overall, a few minor errors that you can work on, but otherwise written well.
I hope you take this in the right direction and continue to do your best to keep it interesting and I'm sure you'll get a lot of fans with it.
Good job :)
I just have to say that if Zack had walked away from that, I would have lost all respect for him. lol. You totally made him a hero and...that's perfect. <3