Birdie - Comments

I’m nitpicky, but perhaps don’t repeat the first four words again in the second sentence? Maybe word it like this, “I lost everything that ever meant anything to me. I lost all that was close to my heart…”
Or maybe, “I lost everything. Everything. All that ever meant anything to me and everything that was close to my heart was gone forever.”

“I smile at the words of my grandmother…” Consider changing to, “I smile at my grandmother’s words.”

First paragraph in interesting and compelling! :)

You used “even” two sentences in a row and it feels repetitive to me. Maybe swap it for another word or just drop it.

“…my or my driver” should be “me or my driver.”

I’m feeling intrigued so far! :)

You used “even” twice in the same sentence. Consider revising. (You can do a search on your writing program to find where it is.)

I like the amount of info you are giving at a time. I don’t feel overwhelmed by details! :)

Maybe describe the horse hoof sounds through the gravel? What’s the weather like? I know the narrator said she was glad it wasn’t raining, but is it hot? Summer? Spring? Are their birds singing? Remember to utilize the five sentence often. Taste, smell, sounds, feelings (you described the carriage as uncomfortable), and sights.
“…make the best of worst.” Did you mean “of the worst?”

I’m really sad the two are separating… :(

“…if ever need anything…” Did you mean, “…if you ever need anything?”

Delete “I think to myself” Everything written is the narrator’s thoughts… Unless she says them out loud. Does grass crunch? Wouldn’t it have to be dead to crunch? I would say, “I heard the rustle of grass beneath bare feet.”

Tiny and petite are basically the same. Consider changing one of the words. And how is a voice “tiny” anyway? Is it low or maybe high-pitched? Or do you just mean she’s speaking softly? I suppose I’ve heard, “he said in a small voice” before and that’s probably what you meant.

Great job on the description of the mansion. :)

You used “delicate” to describe the faerie’s knuckles a moment ago, maybe use a different adjective for Skye’s wrist?

This is well written, and I’m very interested in this world you’ve created.

Great job!

I like the ending of the first chapter, its creeping and compelling!

I hope you like my first chapter too so we can swap more chapters with each other. Let me know what you think! :)

"paragrapgh" 6 is rather heavy handed so far as exposition goes. Its not bad info, but maybe save it for later. All we really need to know is that Jackson is leaving as well, not necessarily why. The volume/detail of the exposition here took me out of the story.

Hi, I'm from the Comment Swap, and I'm so glad I did because I may not have found your story! I love reading original fiction. I think its very original, and I love the characters. And the Lay out is so beautiful. I cant wait to read more of your stories! well done! :)

Ope, seems to me that many others are here as part of Comment Swap as well.

Early on it seems like the story is set in some Southern almost Gothic style location, very Faulkner very O'Conner. It reminded me deeply of reading portions of Absalom, Absalom! for which I was extremely excited. I "quickly" realized that my perception of the setting was incorrect and instead was suppose to be some near dystopian/post-apocalyptic/sci-fy/fantasy middle of the "US" and was confused to say the least. While it is clear you've put a great deal of effort into this work (clearly because you care about it), it's hard to grasp entirely where/when/why anything is going on. Somehow this is in the "future" but technology is now feared and somehow society has half reverted to refusing to use technology? I would very much like to see more development on the Warlock-Human-Faery relations. (Also, if I'm not mistaken, diamonds come mostly from Africa, while most of the mining done in the US was for coal...which would've been in the Appalachian mountains...in the east...where I think the Fey live?)

Beyond that, the main character Skye is suppose to have just lost her parents, recently I'm assuming seeing as though she is being whisked away to her estranged Uncle's home. While it's appropriate to rise up as the matriarch of a family (filling the shoes of her parents) in regards to taking care of the home and land (selling, buying, employment) it doesn't seem so appropriate that she is not grief stricken or in the least bit upset that she just lost her parents. It seems very odd, and out of place for a human to experience such effectiveness on a recent very traumatic situation - unless Skye is not a human and therefore would not experience emotions in the same way.

There seems to me to be a lot of out of place emotions or reactions to events and other interactions between Skye and her surroundings that make her seems choppy or less than human if you get what I'm saying. Character flaws are important - vital even to the progression of a story and a strong character development story arc. That said picking and choosing certain attributes such as the inability to infer, or perceive the emotions and actions of her Uncle while still being observant enough to question her surroundings and the teachings of her parents just seems inappropriate. In addition, most seventeen year-olds are not "mature enough" to question their environment in a scholarly way as opposed to a rebellious way.

It might be my own interpretation and expectation of the writings that have me perceiving the character and the surroundings in this manner though. But again, I do appreciate the deep sense of caring for this story that I get out of it. I, and the rest of mibba (if I can speak for them) appreciate the dedication to this work and the willingness to publish however frequently you chose.

Hi, comment swap. I'm very pleased, it's not often I find a story of such caliber. I like seeing works that people really care about--- and I'm also surprised that you even posted this on here. It seems to me that with some good ole' fashioned elbow grease, you could take a story you've written and you could get it published.

I love that your main character is so strongly written, and she's not just an empty shell- as so many YA heroines are--- and I really like the character of Pierre a lot. I think he's so unique.

And I love, love, love- on a semi-unrelated note- seeing a fantasy story receive such praise here on Mibba. It seems to me that it's so hard to find one on here that's really good, and/or has a strong following.

I look forward to seeing more from this, and you, and will definitely recommend.

Okay, hi! I'm from comment swap. I first wanted to say, whoa. I love the title, the layout, everything. When I saw the title, I said to myself, "Okay, this has to be a good story!" and I was right. Your layout is just absolutely gorgeous. I'm jealous. You have a lot of good description so it made me really get a good picture in my head. P.S. I recommended your story :)
-M. Evelyn <3

Comment swap:
This story is wonderful! I really liked Edwin actually. haha. Your writing is so in tune and descriptive. Really makes me feel like it could be a real place! Such a good idea for a story - you must have a brilliant mind. Wouldn't be surprised if this was published one day! haha well I'm recommending this one for sure!

This... is just, wow. Wow. This is beautiful. This is novel material. I love it. You describe every thing so perfectly and vividly. Definitely subscribing and recommending. You'd be cray to not subscribe/recommend. I really cannot get over this. This is one of the better stories on the entire website. Keep up the awesome work. I'll be looking forward to updates.

Jojo, this story is simply amazing. Your characters are all so wonderful and even Edwin seems realistic despite being a little... off his rocker. I haven't read very far (I got to chapter seven. but I'm really enjoying the story a lot. Once the contest is over, I will come back and read the rest of this story. :) I promise. You did a wonderful job on this story and I'm sure you've hit a lot of snags along the way, but your hard work paid off in the end and this wonderful story is the result. :)

This is a few days late and I apologise for that. I have the flu at the moment and I’ve taken too much Nyquil so

I read up to the sixth chapter. I don’t know much about fantasy or any of the creatures you mentioned, so it was confusing at certain times. Is this your NaNo? I can’t complain about a single thing. I wasn’t so sure I’d like to story. I’ve read too many stories with orphaned main characters, but yours is unique and original. So far that’s all I have to say, but I’m going to comment again once this Nyquil wears off.

And Skye isn't what I was expecting. She doesn't seem weak or in need of help, if you know what I mean?

I don't like the Warlock dude. He seems pretty sketch. And it did take her a while hahaha

@ NothinNNomore
Took her long enough, right? Lol.

Tinsly(sp)! Don't cry! Everyone loves you! And she's finally going to get to talk to the kingg!

Your layout and summary instantly drew me in. I love the plot, and Skye. You also do beautiful descriptions. :)

Awww!! I think this is one of my favorite chapters so far. <33

WAIT WHAT.
PIERRE, WHAT.

OR NO BETTER YET, SKYE, WHAT?

Good update :). Damn right he better win her back. Jerk.

Well I love it! but a paid "slave' was considered a servant. Your writing is great and it is obviously revised before posting, that kind of work is admirable because it means that you actually care about your writing. I hope to see your book published one day! You're going good places with this book and It'd be a shame not to share it with the world. Again I thank comment swap! :D

well.... you are going to need to update ASAP because you can't leave me hanging like that. I mean, I found your story, and I have been reading all your chapters non-stop. They are amazing and beautiful and awesome and wonderful and anything else that makes me just want to continue reading. PLEASE UPDATE!

he**