So got sent here from comment swap, and it’s always nice when comment swap gives me gems that I probably wouldn’t’ve found otherwise. Right now, I want to copy your first couple of paragraphs and shove them in people’s faces. This is what it means to show don’t tell. It’s great. I’m not sure why the girl is running, where she’s going or why, but I can feel the stress and the panic, and it’s amazing. My only complaint is some errant punctuation that should be corralled to make the thing tighter, and a few of the sentences are run ons. But the story is really interesting start and has a good deal of potential, so it’ll be fascinating to see where you take it.
I discovered this story using comment swap. Okay, the imagery you use in the first couple of paragraphs alone is amazing. I could literally FEEL what was going on and it kept me interested, which is great because I usually get bored pretty quickly. Good job! :)
Right now, I want to copy your first couple of paragraphs and shove them in people’s faces. This is what it means to show don’t tell. It’s great. I’m not sure why the girl is running, where she’s going or why, but I can feel the stress and the panic, and it’s amazing. My only complaint is some errant punctuation that should be corralled to make the thing tighter, and a few of the sentences are run ons.
But the story is really interesting start and has a good deal of potential, so it’ll be fascinating to see where you take it.