February 9th, 2012 at 05:57am
Your Guardian Angel - Comments
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it's your friendly neighborhood Spider Man! Not really, but one thing I noticed, you didn't end the italics :D Thanks again for the shout out!February 9th, 2012 at 04:04am
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She rolled her neck in a circle, wincing slightly as she heard the loud pop of her neck.- The word neck is slightly repetitive. Try "She rolled her neck in a circle, wincing at the loud pop she heard." This suggestion is purely for concision purposes and to make your writing less repetitive. I'm guilty too, so don't feel bad :)
She wasn’t the most religious person ever, and needed this class for her general studies, but she actually liked this class. When he wasn’t on these lectures of his (that always branched from something unimportant he said), he really made it interesting.- This little chunk is kind of hard to follow. It's kind of hard to determine what you're trying to say in the first sentence because there are so many different phrases. You could say something like "While she wasn't the most religious person and only took the class for her general studies, she was starting to enjoy the class" Partly for concision, but also because the main phrase is at the end which is usually easier to read, you know?
Untying the black ribbon that was always on her arm (unless it was in her hair), she wound it around her bun and tied it in a bow.- Parenthesis in writing isn't generally used. Commas are more common and I noticed that after you finished the parenthesis, you had a comma. The comma, in that case, wouldn't be necessary since "unless it was in her hair" is it's own phrase.
**during the second half of the chapter, there's a giant paragraph. Maybe if you split it up after you finish describing each family member, it would be much easier to read**
**also in the last two paragraphs, the same thing can be done to split it up :)**February 8th, 2012 at 04:56am -
huh...coolio! I'm subbing to see what you have in store :)February 8th, 2012 at 01:48am
In the chapter you just updated you put 'In spite of her family, it was actually going to be a great birthday, Shiloh thought.' in stead of putting Natasha.