Where Are Those Secrets Now? - Comments

I found the layout slightly difficult. The text was small and the colours were kind of difficult, but this could just be me being old.
“But why did he care so much?” this rhetorical question broke down the sentences effectively as before this they seemed very long. Maybe this is something you could think of when writing in future, breaking down longer sentences so that the words can have more of an impact.
“swimming among every person” the way you personify the song is lovely, it shows how well you use your descriptions. Your descriptions are very strong throughout the piece.
“like a cat to catnip.” I think this metaphor is cleaver, stripping him down to an animal state as he is now following his instincts over everything else.
I found the last part slightly awkward to read, its not something I would normally read however it was well written.

Firstly, you need to work on your layout. The font size is WAY too small for readers to be able to see it properly. Another thing you should probably do is make sure your writing is centre faced. (Not the actual paragraphs, but the writing itself. Make sure it's in the middle of the page - it's easier to read.)

I did like your writing, even though I'm not a fan of this artist, nor this particular subject, so to speak. However, I believe you could work on getting rid of some of the "But"s in the beginning of your sentences. That's grammatically incorrect. Also, you may want to tone down the descriptions in your first sentence. It's a little bit wordy. Other than that, I don't see any other issues.

Good luck;
-Joe

I want to tell you that this is all wrong. I want to tell you how this is unrealistic and that he could never pick someone out like that in the crowd. I want to tell you that if he did find her at the set, their relationship is moving way too fast to work. But I can't tell you those things because they aren't true. The way you write makes it perfectly reasonable to see Holly in the crowd. Awkward and romantic, I feel like I was at the show to watch the entire thing play out. Of course he could find her after the show and of course this relationship can accelerate to something that was really hot.

When reading this first chapter I found myself leaning toward my computer screen and hoping no one walked into the room on me. Your style is fantastic, giving readers the perfect taste in the summery, and then laying a fantastic chapter on us. The detail is perfect and although I’ve never listed to Angels & Airwaves, I really feel like I should be. You can consider this story recommended and subscribed to, I can’t wait for more.

Well to begin your layout is nice, though I find the font a tab bit small. Possibly it could just be me.
Next, I feel that you write very well, and very realistic. You portrayed the sex scene quickly, but afterwards you gave it a real life trait by throwing in awkwardness. Nicely done.

I think every female has this sort of fantasy with some band member, though I'm not sure how many would actually go through with it, given the chance. Aside from the not-so-realistic aspect of the story, you did write it nicely. So kudos to you on that. :)

I'm sorry, but I would! Tom Delonge is ace :) but on a serious note, that actually surprised me a bit to be honest. I didn't think he was seeking her out for that reason. I expected "let's go hang out" first, not a "let's bang right here, right now" I got to admit, that was kind of hot :P I like unconventional stories like these, it mixes things up which is nice once in a while. Will there be more to this? I sure hope so. Good read, I enjoyed it a lot.

Honestly, not to be a killjoy, but that was really odd. Even if I was in love with Tom DeLonge and he looked souly at me during singing a beautiful song, I still wouldn't let him enter me without getting to know him first. Even if he is a big Rockstar and such but still.... Anyways, It was good aside from that little factor. I'm not particularly a fan of Tom DeLonge and I've never heard a song from Angels And Airwaves (I hope that's the names of the band) but it was good. Great writing style and the layout is stunning. I wish there was a bit of a summary though. Just helpful criticism. Sorry to be rude ><