Better Make yourself at Home, 'Cause You're Here to Stay - Comments

  • BlueEyedAngel2

    BlueEyedAngel2 (100)

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    Love it. More please
    August 25th, 2012 at 11:11pm
  • the murder girl

    the murder girl (100)

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    awesome story
    February 8th, 2012 at 01:45pm
  • Little Robyn;

    Little Robyn; (100)

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    Hi :)

    First, I'd like to make one grammatical correction. Your title should be "Better Make yourself at Home, 'Cause You're Here to Stay". :)

    "I was probably just being a bit paranoid but my dad is always home by six and if he's going to be late, he usually texts me telling me so."- You have some wrong verb tenses. There are a few discrepancies between past tense and future tense. Perhaps a beta reader could help you fix those tiny mistakes. In that case, I'd love to help you edit :)

    "I place had the brass knob and turned even though every particle inside me was telling me not to."- I'm not sure what you're trying to say in this sentence. Perhaps, it's the 'I place' that's not making sense to me. But instead of every particle, fiber would work better.

    "His file cabinets were toppled over with all its contents scattered everywhere, his leather couch was torn to pieces, his desk drawers were distributed through out the room in random places and had been emptied, and his computer chair..."- Okay. Here you have some really good stuff describing the chaos in his office. But the 'distributed' sounds a little artificial, perhaps. Distributed sounds too...too...neat and clean. Try 'chaotically tossed about through the room in random places, emptied and void, and his computer chair...'

    "This man literally reminded me of a those werewolf people you'd see in those old movies, with his scruffy face and his shaggy hair.- It sounds a little weird. Literally isn't something you'd really want to use. You could try "The man in the chair reminded me of a werewolf from those old movies, with his scruffy face and shaggy hair." Repeating the 'his' isn't necessary either. :)

    "“Shame Shame. Hadn't you father taught you that its polite to introduce yourself first before asking others?”- How about "Shame, shame. Didn't your father teach you that it's polite to introduce yourself first before you ask questions?" Just a few minor grammar mistakes in that one. Missing commas and such :) Nothing that can't be fixed!

    "And there is more around the house but your not going to be able to meet them unfortunately."- "And there are more around the house but you're not going to meet them, unfortunately." If there are plural men, then the verb also needs to be plural.

    "But I didn't look for very before my head whipped to the side and my right cheek stung."- I think you're missing the word 'long' between very and before.

    "Even if the caught off all my limbs, I will bite"- "even if they cut off all my limbs, I'd bite them." Some wonkiness there. A missing letter, some awkward phrases.

    "He snapped his fingers, and in came another pair of burly men holding a slumped over person."- Hm...I think it should be "holding a person who was slumped over."

    I have to say, I love Tara and how you introduced her by giving her good traits. Also, her Spanish is good but perhaps italicize the foreign language in the text? It's usually helpful for readers. Other than that, the mistakes above are pretty minor even though there seem to be a lot. If you need someone to proofread your work, I'd be happy to even though I don't have a lot of time. I really hope I didn't come off as rude with my corrections! I just want to help you write your best and make sure your writing is flawless :D
    February 6th, 2012 at 04:18am