Keeping Time - Comments

I'd like to start by admitting that I haven't actually seen In Time, but I do know the basic premise (I read a lot of movie magazines) & I'm a Cillian Murphy fan :)
So I don't know if it's because of my basic knowledge, plus the fact that you did add little bits here and there to explain this world, but I didn't get confused - and I get confused easily haha.

Anyway, I liked Loveena's character. At first I thought she was just going to be the typical cold hearted b, but she actually just seemed quite defensive and just wanted to protect herself.

There were a few times I felt the story jumped a little, but you included a lot in only four chapters :)
There were also some lines I really liked, such as;

'..his voice echoed in the sleeping city.'

in chapter 3 - I thought that was lovely :) And also the fact that Loveena didn't just fall straight in love with Raymond. IShe feels she could love him, but it seems like she doesn't really know that she does love him until the last part. This was great because for the most part I can't stand it when characters just love each other at first sight.

The ending was was a little heartbreaking. I really wasn't expecting her to die. Maybe get shot, but not to actually die! it was a surprise.
You said in the summary that the ending to this actually takes place in the movie, in that case I really love the fact you've expanded further on this side story, so well done!

Well, like darkfallenangel I really have no idea what's going on in terms of the plot. Because I have no idea who Timekeepers are, etc. So the only thing I can suggest is to give just a little more background information so others who aren't familiar with this topic can more easily grasp the information you're telling us.

But, besides the fact that I don't really know what's going on, it still is a very interesting story and it kept me wanting to know more. So, I definitely will be checking back on this every now and then.

Overall, I think you have really great grammar and spelling. That's a plus. Anyway, keep up the good work and good luck in the contest!

Before I jump into the story, In Time was such a cool film :) I remember watching it with a friend and just the whole "time as money" concept and the Time Keepers and Minute Men aspects of it...very cool. Raymond Leon and Fortis were two of my favorite characters from it, actually XD But onto the story ~

I like Loveena's character. She's sassy, but not to the point where it's overbearing or anything. It's understandable - after all, the poor girl just lost her father and now she's being taken from her home and transported (by a Timekeeper, no less) to the Ghetto...yeah, I'd be in a bad mood too.

Also I love this bit of description right here: The Timekeeper's skin was dark and his eyes were the color of coal long-dead. Especially the eyes. Very unique way to describe the color.

Overall, a really strong start. It also sounds like you know where you're going with this and you're not just making it up as you go along, which is refreshing to see. Most authors just try to put the pieces together as they go, but this sounds planned :)

Good luck in the contest!

I'll just be honest, I have no idea what's going on here. I don't know about Time Keepers or the stuff that's on their arm or any history of it in general, so I can't give you feedback on that aspect of the story.
All I can say, really, is that you had impeccable spelling and grammar, which is obviously really good.
Wish I had more to say, but oh well....
Good luck in the contests you've enter this in.

I LOVE how you opened this chapter, with cuts from before finding out her father was dead and then after, when the Timekeepers arrived. It was as if she was standing there in the present time, looking back at the night and of how she saw the red on her hand and is now thinking about it all over again with her sober mind.

"He clenched his jaw, and tried to convince everyone around him that I wasn't getting to him"
This line had me really thinking that you totally got his character right. Because when watching the movie, that's exactly how I felt about him haha

I'm really interested in what happened to her father. Like, why did they shoot him? They could have just stolen his time but they made the point to shoot him too? :O Bastards.

I can't wait for the rest of this :D I'm liking those little thoughts in her head that are telling her to be nicer to Raymond Leon :P

This first chapter was intriguing and interesting.
I think this will definitely be a good read.
You have a good grasp on grammar and spelling.
Which is impressive. Kudos.

I can't wait to see where this goes to.
I'm subscribing. <3

Good luck in the contest!

xx Shay