Colour - Comments

  • mr. twin sister

    mr. twin sister (100)

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    Ghoul of 2016
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    22
    Location:
    United States
    Comment Swap:

    First off, a few mistakes (2) that i noticed were in chapter one, Sydney, Australia needs to have a comma and as well as Elmbridge, England and in chapter three, littleyellow dress needs to have a space between 'little' and 'dress' but other than that it's fine.

    I like the gradual buildup of the relationshipa with the characters but I wish there was more about Nina's past before she moved and more of her likes and dislikes. I also would like to see you describe her outfits and physical apperance instead of link them!
    May 4th, 2016 at 06:13pm
  • Lucey

    Lucey (100)

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    Great Britain (UK)
    From Comment Swap :)
    I was really surprised by this story. When I first started reading it, to be honest I was like, oh no, not another boring boy likes girl romance and at first I couldn’t really connect to you’re main character Nina, I was also a bit iffy about her smoking, I don’t really like main characters that smoke, it doesn’t really show their tough, it just gives of the message that its okay to smoke, when it defiantly isn’t. However, apart from the smoking, as I surprised myself by really getting into the story. Josh and Nina are actually quite cute together and I felt something when Nina practically shoved Josh out of the house. They’re both very likeable and you have a very neat and sweet story line. I really enjoyed this story, keep it up :)
    October 8th, 2014 at 12:38pm
  • RyeBellamy

    RyeBellamy (100)

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    33
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    Malaysia
    comment swap:

    awhhhh this story is beautiful...i didnt know who you me at six before but after reading this, im gonna start listening to them! beauftiful lyrics in the end..i read it all in one sitting! great job! XD
    May 10th, 2014 at 04:53am
  • margreat_98

    margreat_98 (100)

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    23
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    United States
    Comment Swap

    This is a really good idea for a story. I like how you described her situation, but the story moves pretty quickly and there are still some spelling error that I noticed more than anything grammatical. Also, I think you should describe your characters' outfits rather than linking to something you found online. Overall, I liked your story just remember to proof read before you post!
    December 16th, 2013 at 04:15am
  • Mary-Alice White

    Mary-Alice White (100)

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    NaNoWriMo 2015
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    25
    Location:
    United States
    Comment Swap:
    First of all this has so much potential. I will continue to read it as you post. It does seem a bit rushed. In part two you went from Nina talking to Emma to talking to Josh. How did that happen? Did he walk up to where Nina and Emma were sitting? Is this later on in the day. What happened? Also there are some parts in dialogue that should be fixed. For example;
    “You don’t seem the type to dance Miss Davis.” he gave me this look of a half smile half smirk.
    This should be written:
    “You don’t seem the type to dance, Miss Davis.” He gave me this look of a half smile half smirk.

    Just make sure to proof-read. Don’t rush, describe things. Make the reader want to continue reading. You’re doing a good job!
    December 3rd, 2013 at 02:02am
  • Kaaren Nafar

    Kaaren Nafar (200)

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    26
    Location:
    Iran
    Comment Swap
    It was not confusing at all. It went on well. But it was very distracting because of the typos and grammatical problems. I think you should fix them. I’ve mentioned some of them at the end of the comment. Another problem with it is that it has too much dialogue. You need more balance. But the story wasn’t boring or anything. Bu I think it can all get better. Keep writing 

    Some of the errors and mistakes:
    Chapter 1:
    … had to happen. For the wellbeing of my family, for the wellbeing of myself. (after ‘happen’ you shouldn’t put a period)

    …sat in the back. Drawing as little attention to myself as possible. (after ‘back’ you shouldn’t put a period)
    Thanking god it was on silent I choose to ignore it, except it kept going off, over and over again. (choose=chose)
    He was making judgments already, that was why I was being a wallflower at this new school. (You shouldn’t put a comma after ‘already’. It makes it a run-on)

    Chapter 2:
    …could use whatever instruments we wanted as long at it was original. Well that sounded like fun. (at=as)
    “I’ll se you tomorrow I suppose.” (se=see)
    She stated, she was upfront. (This is a run-on.)
    I didn’t know what to say, but I could tell straight away she wasn’t trying to be mean she was just an upfront sort of person and I respected that. (After ‘mean’, you should put a period or comma. I’m not sure.)

    …I’ve head him once before, so you will get good marks easily. (head=had)

    …there was something charming about the way he spoke and it was more then just his accent. (then=than)
    he gave me this look of a half smile half smirk. (half smile=half-smile)
    …if were good enough his older brother will sign us up for a gig in town the following week. (were=we’re)
    September 4th, 2013 at 12:09pm
  • German13

    German13 (200)

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    24
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    United States
    *Comment Swap*
    First off, the layout is really unique! I like it! Second, the links in the story aren't all that great. You should describe the clothing first. Maybe then have the link the authors note or something. The story seems fairly good so far, I only read the first chapter. It was kind of funny, because I totally was not expecting her to smoke, so it was funny to relate to the boy named Josh who said the same thing. Good start!
    July 4th, 2013 at 04:14am
  • Lady.V.

    Lady.V. (960)

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    29
    Location:
    Greece
    Dear author, I have read this before but comment swap brought me here. I have to agree with the other commenters that the links must be deleted and you have to describe the outfits of your characters. Other than that, you have a pretty interesting story. Way to go. :D ~Marian.
    April 5th, 2013 at 01:16am
  • Lady.V.

    Lady.V. (960)

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    Member
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    29
    Location:
    Greece
    Dear author, I have read this before but comment swap brought me here. I have to agree with the other commenters that the links must be deleted and you have to describe the outfits of your characters. Other than that, you have a pretty interesting story. Way to go. :D ~Marian.
    April 5th, 2013 at 01:16am
  • LookingUp93

    LookingUp93 (100)

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    31
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    United Kingdom
    I love this story, please update again soon :)
    February 3rd, 2013 at 09:48am
  • little motorkitty;

    little motorkitty; (630)

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    26
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    I thought this story was really interesting, I've not read much YMAS fan-fiction but this seemed good. The only thing I had a major problem with is the fact you link to her outfits in the story content. Not only is that against Mibba rules but it's also really distracting, and in my opinion makes it look like lazy writing. If you want readers to know what your character was wearing, describe it and if you must show what it looks like, link in the author's note. For that reason only, it really put me off reading.
    December 13th, 2012 at 10:33pm
  • Arabella-

    Arabella- (105)

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    24
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    United States
    So Comment swap sent me here, and while I'm not a You Me At Six fan, this had decent writing. Not the best, but it wasn't terrible. Although, I did only read the first chapter. Keep writing :) Sorry about posting the same comment 3 times but Comment Swap kept sending me back lol
    November 20th, 2012 at 07:55pm
  • Arabella-

    Arabella- (105)

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    24
    Location:
    United States
    So Comment swap sent me here, and while I'm not a You Me At Six fan, this had decent writing. Not the best, but it wasn't terrible. Although, I did only read the first chapter. Keep writing :)
    November 20th, 2012 at 07:53pm
  • Arabella-

    Arabella- (105)

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    Member
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    Age:
    24
    Location:
    United States
    So Comment swap sent me here, and while I'm not a You Me At Six fan, this had decent writing. Not the best, but it wasn't terrible. Although, I did only read the first chapter. Keep writing :)
    November 20th, 2012 at 07:52pm
  • This One Time...

    This One Time... (100)

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    Member
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    Age:
    26
    Location:
    Ireland
    I like this, a lot. It's very nice, and lightly written. I enjoy your characters and I have to admit, I squee'd at the references! Her style, while not something I'd ever wear, was cute and quirky. But, uhm. We don't have calculus in UK/ROI. She's so sassy, I love it! I think you could do with a bit of proof read, your sentences could have much better pausing. But overall it's a great story!
    October 31st, 2012 at 11:08pm
  • WindflowerII

    WindflowerII (100)

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    30
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    United Kingdom
    Arrived here through comment swap. this is not my usual type of read but I read chapter one. good start with enough to grab my attention and already I'm left curious wanting to know what Nina will do.
    October 23rd, 2012 at 11:28am
  • shattered soul;

    shattered soul; (100)

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    Member
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    Age:
    98
    Location:
    United States
    I don't normally read stories like this. The type I usually read are: slash, femeslah, horror, and parodies.
    Honestly, the only reason I clicked on this story is because I found it through the comment swap.

    Sydney Australia is supposed to have a comma (Sydney, Australia) as well as the other place you mentioned. Overall, this is a good story, even though it's not my type, I still liked it.

    As for the banner, I loved it. I love the banner and the background. Your writing style is overall good. The characters are amazing and they are nicely developed.

    Even though this story wasn’t my type, I’ll still recommend it. Mainly because I love your style of writing.

    Chapter 1: I liked the length. I’m actually going to read more. Chapter one drew me in. I noticed some grammar issues, but they’re minor. They’re not that bad actually. If you want, I could be your beta. (:

    Chapter 2: In the second paragraph, where you said The following day music class I got noticed it should be, The following day in music class I got noticed/I], also, in the third paragraph where you said, ”Miss Dayis” she spoke. it should be, ”Miss Davis?” she spoke.

    But I actually do like this story. If you want a beta reader, pm me and I’ll give you my email and I’ll be your beta reader. (:
    September 26th, 2012 at 10:43am
  • shattered soul;

    shattered soul; (100)

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    Member
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    98
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    United States
    I'm from the comment swap Time to read!
    September 26th, 2012 at 10:37am
  • antiwords

    antiwords (150)

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    27
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    United States
    I'll agree with some people that you do tend to rush te ends of chapters. But I like all of the "Uumm"s. It's more realistic speech. The story does seem a little cliche, but how you write it is what makes it better than the average. It's not really my kind of story, but your writing is good and your spelling usually is. I would do a quick read-through for grammar in some places though. You're doing a really good job and you're developing characters really well. Keep it up.
    September 17th, 2012 at 07:16am
  • AlexandraGates

    AlexandraGates (100)

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    25
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    United Kingdom
    Decided to read a bit more.

    “No Max, but why would you want to change >comma here< aren’t you friends with Chris?”
    “Hey<comma or full stop here< would you wait up?”
    He called<full stop here>
    “I don’t even know your name<full stop/comma> come on.” <--Exclamation mark may work better than a full stop?
    throw around ideas for a song… *Get to know each other?
    “I’ll *see you tomorrow I suppose.”

    I recommend you re-read what you wrote and check out your punctuation. These are only the first few. Hope this helps. :P
    September 16th, 2012 at 06:15pm