This piece was absolutely beautiful. It was able to capture a simple moment in time that is an ordinary occurrence. It wasn’t like a character died or had to go out and protect the world; kids were just playing hide-and-seek. Though it was simple, it still kept my attention. I was looking forward to reading the next sentence wondering what was going to happen next. I feel that not every writer would have been able to pull something like this off equally. You did it with grace.
However, if this is being told from the view point of a young boy I feel as if some words used are rather “big” for what a child of his age would know. Like “staccato,” “silhouettes,” and the last sentence itself. This made me feel like it lost some of its uniqueness because of this and that the words weren’t coming from Nicholas as much, but I wouldn’t worry about it too much.
As for the nitty-gritty stuff: “She pulled me in close by my collar and, with her breath wet in my ear, whispered.” I feel as if a colon should be used at the end of this sentence.
“Then with a shove, she led me to the tall St. Augustine grass.” I’m confused about the “to” used in this sentence. Is the grass near the shed or is it a typo and perhaps “through” was meant to be used? Or if St. Augustine is the place, then perhaps saying “Then with a shove, she led me to the tall grass of St. Augustine” would be a little less confusing.
“pretend to stub my toe on the doorframe so that mother might hear me” “Mother” in this sentence should be capitalized because it’s replacing her name, or you could put “my” in front of “mother.” Either way. I don’t remember if it happened any other time throughout the story I just happened to catch this one.
“ ‘We couldn’t find you,’ she said. ‘You didn’t come when we gave up.’ […] Gracie and Martha didn’t object. Instead they stood patiently on their tip toes, bouncing on the balls of their feet, and ready to run in whichever direction Meg pointed.” These should be the start of a new paragraph. I know it’s difficult to make a one-sentence-paragraph out of the bottom one, it rubs at me too, but I think it should.
However, if this is being told from the view point of a young boy I feel as if some words used are rather “big” for what a child of his age would know. Like “staccato,” “silhouettes,” and the last sentence itself. This made me feel like it lost some of its uniqueness because of this and that the words weren’t coming from Nicholas as much, but I wouldn’t worry about it too much.
As for the nitty-gritty stuff:
“She pulled me in close by my collar and, with her breath wet in my ear, whispered.”
I feel as if a colon should be used at the end of this sentence.
“Then with a shove, she led me to the tall St. Augustine grass.”
I’m confused about the “to” used in this sentence. Is the grass near the shed or is it a typo and perhaps “through” was meant to be used? Or if St. Augustine is the place, then perhaps saying “Then with a shove, she led me to the tall grass of St. Augustine” would be a little less confusing.
“pretend to stub my toe on the doorframe so that mother might hear me”
“Mother” in this sentence should be capitalized because it’s replacing her name, or you could put “my” in front of “mother.” Either way. I don’t remember if it happened any other time throughout the story I just happened to catch this one.
“ ‘We couldn’t find you,’ she said. ‘You didn’t come when we gave up.’
[…]
Gracie and Martha didn’t object. Instead they stood patiently on their tip toes, bouncing on the balls of their feet, and ready to run in whichever direction Meg pointed.”
These should be the start of a new paragraph. I know it’s difficult to make a one-sentence-paragraph out of the bottom one, it rubs at me too, but I think it should.