One Missed Call - Comments

I was a little surprised at first to see the story was written entirely in second person, but it was a pleasant surprise in the end. It's so rare to encounter a story in second person, even rarer to read one that is written as well as this one was. It takes a lot of talent and skill to write a second person story as artistically and well as you did with this one. Admittedly, I was a little off put by the usage of second person in the summary simply because of how awkwardly second person stories are usually written and the beginning of the story put me off for that same reason. But the more I read of your story, the more I came to like it because it wasn't written awkwardly at all. With that being said though, I think the use of second person in the summary is both helpful and hurtful to the story. Sure, it can turn some people off but at the same time, it can get an equal amount of people curious as to what the story will really be about. So I think it's both good and bad you used it, kind of in the middle. There were a few instances where I thought the wording was a bit awkward, but it was nothing too big and most of the story was very well written.

I like the amount of emotion you had in the story. It seemed very relateable and real, kind of like you were letting yourself feel the same emotion as your character. Which is a very good thing and something that will help readers feel it too. If an author can feel the emotion as they're writing, a reader will be able to feel it as they're reading. I didn't really see any errors in the story or any major tense/grammar/spelling mishaps so I thought that was really good. Your story was good overall. It was a pleasant surprise to someone who is so used to reading second person stories that are awkward.

I rarely see a story with a second-person view. Kudos to you because it's hard to make a story with that point of view.

I think it would be better if you added 'though' to this sentence: Sugar died a long time ago. Also, the sentence 'Even when you were five years old she was ancient, though you didn't realize it then' is somewhat awkward to me. Maybe you could try to rephrase it.

'You stare down at your phone, thinking hard about her, about your grandpa, about Uncle Bill, even about Sugar and Scotty Baldwin.'
Regarding that line, I believe that it would be better if you took out the 'down' in the first sentence. I think you could have simply said 'You stare at your phone, thinking hard about her, your grandpa, Uncle Bill and even about Sugar' instead of putting 'about' repeatedly.

'You think about what it must have been like for your father. To lose his mother, his father, his uncle.' I think you could have connected those two. You could put a semicolon in between or a dash, I think, because 'To lose his mother, his father, his uncle' is a dependent clause whereas 'You think about what it must have been like for your father' is an independent clause. Also, you should put an 'and' between 'his father' and 'his uncle'.

(I'm going to highlight the word that you have to remove)
'You think about cigarettes and heart attacks and cholesterol pills.'
You have to take out the 'and' and separate it with a comma instead.

I'll probably remember this story as one of the few second-person narratives, I've read. Your story isn't as striking and memorable to me as the other stories I've read. Although not really memorable, your story has a few mistakes - it's not really noticeable, actually. My only suggestion is to further improve or proofread your story even though it's really hard to write a second-person point of view type of story.

Hey(: Here I am, check this out.
I'm not usually into this type of narrative, usually when I find a story with it, I chuck it aside and go off in search of a different story. But overall, I think you did an okay job with it. It becomes really had not to be repetitive (which I noticed slightly, but not much). I do realize that it would've been nearly impossible to do this type of story any other way, but I hope you don't write all your stories like this.

I also noticed that when the narrator is talking about "you's" father, the story switches tenses. I know it's because the memory is ending, but if you can (and feel like editing this) you should try to smooth it in a little better. (: Make it less noticeable.

This way this is written reminds me of the same tone as "Little Miss Sunshine". It has the same deep vibe & everything. My favorite line in the whole one shot is ". . . that isolating world where language is absent." I love things that are written completely backwards like that. Reading stories like this become completely worth while when I can find little lyrical gems like that.

Good job. I liked it. It made me want to watch "Little Miss Sunshine" and "Last Chance, Harvey." Two dark(er) movies that I really, really like. Thanks for telling me about this story. I honestly enjoyed it.

The layout happens to be very plain & simple. I like that. Nothing to broad or elegant. I think it fits the simpleness of your story as well. Your summary was very hard to read. The "you's" began to bug me after a while & pursued me into your story.

This was an okay piece. It doesn't fit into my category of likeliness but I must say...the last paragraph was extrodinary.

The layout it really simple and pretty.
Something about the summary made me stop and re-read it. All the emotions in that small bit of writing are amazing. There's very few stories on Mibba (or in general) that are written in second person narrative, which is always really cool if it's done right.

Chapter one starts off kind of bittersweet. I like how the main character remembers her childhood, but also thinks about Sugar dying and not being able to remember Uncle Bill. It makes it seem more realistic, I think. I really like the parallelism you use during the "Ring" section. I feel like something sad is going to happen to the father, but I really hope it doesn't :/

Anyway, this is written really well and I enjoyed it. There's a lot of emotions that you conveyed in such a simple way. Kudos to you for it.

The summary is very well written. It draws me in, and the way you wrote it, I don't even know how exactly to put it, that perspective though, is refreshing. It's something I haven't seen done in a while and it was done well.

I also enjoy the simplicity of the layout. It's not distracting and the warm colors make it easier to read.

I like how you describe the way she remembers, or rather how little she remembers, her dad's uncle. I also love the way you described her father because it gave insight to how their relationship is, and also how her relationship is with her parents.

This was very well written, I enjoyed reading it. The only thing I found is that you use the word 'and' quite a bit. But sometime's that's just how an author writes, and the way you wrote the story allowed the word to fit in just right. It kept it flowing nicely.

This is refreshing because I don't see a lot of these floating around in Mibba. It's different from the other stories that I've read because of the simplicity and reality of it. I can relate because I know how it feels when someone quite distant passes away and you don't know what to say, or you want to feel bad, but it doesn't quite happen. I think this story has a simple, southern charm. I don't know why I get that feeling. Just something about family, horses and cheerios. Despite the sadness of it, I like the moments of humor you add in. I think you communicate to readers very well. Your words just come out easily and they flow really nicely. I don't know how to explain it, to be honest.

<3 <3 <3

I'm not really good at constructive criticisms, but I liked this one. I reminded me somewhat of the book Cherub, I dunno why. Good job, by the way, and thanks for recommending a story for me to read (( :

I apologise.
**Second person narrative.
/mortified.

Hey =]

Title : When I first read that, I thought that this was going to be a scary story. Because of the "one missed call" movie and all that. But then, when I realized that it wasn't, it sort of got more appealing.

Layout : Simple, straightforward. It's not distracting, or dull. That's a definite plus.

Summary :
Your father's uncle passed away this morning, The comma here should be replaced by a period.

The summary had a flow to it; uncharacteristic of most of the third person stories I've come across. That was a definite plus.

Chapter One

Maybe you should call your father. I feel as if a question mark should be added here. But if it was meant as a thought rather than an actual question, then that's fine.

The nut doesn't fall far from the tree, your mother would say. with goat on this one. My favourite line. I love how you deviated from the usual "apple" to "nut." It allows the reader to guess at the protagonist's personality themselves.

You think about cigarettes and heart attacks and cholesterol pills. Another line that I really liked. It's the very nature of death. Someone you know, or someone you know of dies, and you're stuck there, wondering how it would have been like had it been someone you loved that had died instead. It's a concept that most writers who write about death , or something relating to it, never really touch on. With that single line, you showed so much about the narrator and her (I'm assuming that it's a girl) relationship with her father.

Overall
Wow. Now, I'm not sure whether you had meant this to be some straightforward slice of life narration or metaphorical portrayal of death and life, but it worked very well both ways. The language and tone worked well, considering that the presented scene was part of the every day context. More to it though, I really like the flow of the story. Heaven knows that writing in that voice (third person) (well, for me anyway) is difficult enough. Making it work, and work well? Genius.

When I read the title, I wasn't sure what to expect. At first I assumed maybe a tragic love story, but the idea of death came into my mind as well.

Now, when I read the summary page I wasn't a fan of the whole 'you' thing, but I pushed past it to see if maybe it was for an effect, which after reading the story I can see that it was. Not many people use this style of writing cause it can be quite difficult and it's uncommon. Which I'm sure you already know.

Anyways, I found out that the summary was actually apart of the story and continued reading through it and found a lot of emotion laced into the way the story is told, there is plenty of heart in it. You managed to convey a lot of feelings in just one story. Just as the two commenters above me have stated this is a great story.

And the last line of the story was a real kicker for me, my breath got caught when I read it, but nonetheless I think this was great and you have good description for an unusual and unique way of story telling.

This made me tear up a little! Very, very, very excellent. You've done an amazing job of capturing the actions that would reasonably be taken in these circumstances, and you've perfectly described the emotions that go along with them. I love the little bit of regret she feels after calling her father. Such a realistic and human way to feel.

Amazing job. Amazin.

Oh my goodness.

This was absolutely beautiful. I could really feel the emotions in the story and relate to the feelings. You're definitely right, the story speaks for itself. I especially liked the ending. This was fantastic. I love it<3