Our Perfect Love Story - Comments

This story is so captivating. I like how it is passed in the 90's, and you're sticking through with the life people lived back then. Your grammar is quite good and I like that you give details but not too much, so it doesn't get boring. I must admit I teared up a bit as I read it, because it's such a pure and amazing love these two have.
Congratulations on this, I hope you'll be posting a new chapter soon because I am quite curious to see where this is going.
Good luck xx

This is an interesting story. It reminds me of kids in the 90’s – their thoughts and what they use to do – how it use to be. I like the story so far because you are able to paint a picture and let the reader see into the past and the words flow together well. You set the scene well with her being in a hurry then sort of short cutting it to when she meets Noel. The montage is enough to get the picture and it doesn’t skip any important details. The story moves fast, it sort of reminds me of a monologue but it moves from not knowing to knowing them almost completely within a few chapters. Keep up the writing, it’s a cute story between two realistic people, and I can't see anything to complain about. Keep it up, well done.

@ ALLSTARLOVE333
Thank you :)

I love this story so cute!!!! :D

@ ALLSTARLOVE333 Thank you, it means a lot really

:( I like it :(

this story is so sweet I love it!

Aw, this is a sweet, summery romance story. They aren't really my thing, but I do like to read a good one every once in a while. :] I think you could really add more to the story by taking a closer look at the characters... like through describing actions and a bit more insight into Cara. The story moves along at a good pace, but I think a bit more detail would be good. :D

Keep writing!

Long Summary

I really liked your long summary. I like how straightforward and honest it is. And I especially like that once I read it, I actually knew what the story would be about.

The last line in the summary - “Just because I love it so.” – made me think a lot of Maurice Sendak’s novel Where the Wild Things Are, which is a good thing. There’s something incredibly sweet about the sentiment there and also very ‘grown up.’ As I read this summary, it felt like an older woman reminiscing about her past and I was really impressed that you were able to pull off that point of view. (It’s not one I see very often here on Mibba, so it’s pretty refreshing – even if it’s just for a short part of the story.)

*Since I’m reading this for the swap, I’ll just be commenting on a couple of chapters – but I’ll be reading them all.

Chapter 1

In this chapter, I though the narrative was done really well - better than the bits of dialogue. While I liked that you described some of the setting and the characters’ actions, I would have liked to have seen more description of things like the character’s emotions and feelings towards things. Since this is told in first person, I think you have a really great opportunity to let the readers into the narrator’s head and I think it would be interesting to read.

With the dialogue, I found that there were too many beats ( “Hold on!” I shouted back, running around my garage, searching for anything I might have left behind.) after too many pieces of dialogue. It made those pieces of dialogue wordy and it interrupted the flow of conversation. Descriptive beats can be helpful in setting up the physical actions in a story, but I think it should be used in moderation.

There wasn’t much going on (plot- or character-wise) for me to comment on, so I’ll just move on to the next chapter.

Chapter 6

After reading the letter (the one from Noel to Cara), I was a bit confused about the timeframe. In the previous chapter, they part, the letter was written the next day, and then the letter arrived at Cara’s a day or two later (about the average time for mail within the states to be delivered) – but from the start of this chapter, it seemed like much longer had passed. Cara says things like “I went outside everyday…” and “Lisa and Sammy came over in the beginning …” Things like that makes it seem like a lot of time had passed and not just a few days. Nitpicky, I guess, but when we consider her reaction to the distance, I think the time they spent apart is important to the story.

The letter itself – Noel’s to Cara – seemed a bit…Harlequin Romance to me, a little too exaggerated. Because of that, I felt like it wasn’t very realistic and that pulled me out of the story a bit. I like the ‘can’t live without you’ feel of the letter but I think the wording could better reflect the times (1996 isn’t too long ago, people mostly spoke the way we do today) and that of a guy Noel’s age.

And similarly for Cara’s note to Noel. It just felt overdramatic – very “Romeo and Juliet”, which didn’t end very well. I think there’s a way you can express the feelings they have towards each other without it coming off as too dramatic or cheesy. I think that would definitely help it all seem much more realistic and, in turn, much more relatable to readers.

*Small formatting thing: I think you should leave the customary space between paragraphs in the letter too. It’ll make that part look a bit neater and also be easier to read – especially since it’s italicized.

Overall

Overall, I like the idea of this. I love simple summertime fun romances and I think you capture that breezy feel. (I felt like there was a sandy, rose glow around this entire story and it felt very picturesque of summer.) I think the long-distance romance was a nice touch and I really liked the idea of them corresponding through letters. It seems a bit antiquated – even for something that takes place in the 90s – but hand-written letters are undoubtedly romantic.

One major thing I think you should work on is giving readers more of the characters. I feel like they’re still a bit faded – even at the end. We get great descriptions of their actions and appearance but I still feel like I don’t really know them and, because of that, I can’t make much of a connection to the characters or the story. I think giving readers more emotions out of the characters – emotions we learn about through how they treat each other and not just what’s being said outright – it’ll help pull people in more and get them really invested in Noel and Cara’s story.

I really like this story! It's sweet and fun and really sets the mood for summer. Stories about summer romance usually don't draw me in because of how cliche they are but I generally enjoyed this a lot. The layout is cute and simple, the writing is easy to read, and everything flows together nicely. The only thing I see is the slight grammar/spelling errors that everyone else picked up on but they don't do anything to ruin the story at all. Good job, I really liked it!

Wow, this story is so amazing. I absolutely love it. The way Noel and Cara act around each other is so cute!!

Now I must say, I do wish you would go a bit more in depth. Not just he said she said, like make me feel what they are sctually feeling. Otherwise I love it, and I can't wait for the next chapter!! :D

I like this story! Your writing has improved since the first chapter, you've become more descriptive and better at conveying things. I was a little confused as to who was saying some of the dialogue in the beginning but I didn't have that problem afterwards. I'm interested to see what happens next in their relationship. Also I really like the names Cara and Noel!

This is a really sweet story. It's not going too fast, or just dragging along, and you know who your characters are. I didn't see too many mistakes in spelling or grammar, and your layout is simple, but really effective. Your introductory chapter was realistic, but not boring, and that carried through the later chapters too. The idea of no regrets was a nice change from most stories I've read about summer romance. Really good job on this =)

I really like this story it flows well and it's not moving too fast or too slowly. Constructive criticism might be to try expand don what Cara is thinking and feeling? I don't know it just seemed to me that there was a lot of actions and doing things if that makes any sense. I like it though :)

The summary did a great job of explaining the story without giving away the whole plot. You're a great writer and I'm definitely enjoying the story. All I can criticize is "I heard a voice say behind me." For some reason, it feels weird maybe just "I heard a voice behind me" would be better? I'm not sure. I'm trying to be helpful here. Anyway, I still love the story. It's superb!

I liked it. I felt that the pacing felt good - the introductory chapter establishing their holiday and plans, and then launching into the main of the story. A couple of technical errors, especially 'your/you're'. The way I usually have to remember it is see if 'you are' fits in instead - if so, you're, if not your. Etc.
Personally I'm a fan of speed with writing and reading, so I like the fact that you get enough to really get the feeling of the passion and the emotion behind everything - but able to get through the story without the excruciating waits that the couple have to endure. The personal touch comes through pleasantly as well.
It also pleases me to know that it goes well, else I might end up upset...

Well I do like the summary. It gives a good idea what the reader is getting themselves into, while still keeping it interesting and not giving too much away.

There are a few grammatical errors throughout this story. They're not all that significant, but if you ever want to write seriously (to get published) you'd have to clean that up.

Eg: "Stop!" I screeched, "Our neighbor’s could have been sleeping still!"

There should be a period after "screeched" and "neighbor's" shouldn't have an apostrophe since it's plural and not possessive. Things like this are scattered throughout the story and they sort of take away from what's going on in the story.

I'm not sure what you want me to comment on for this, if you wanted an in-depth sort of review or just a small comment on whether or not I liked it, but I'll just give you a more in-depth kind of thing and you can just ignore it if you want. The first chapter seems a little pointless. I think you should just start right off with them going to the party. The rest of it is unnecessary. You could start off with Cara and her friends on the beach, maybe show them talking and get a little character development in and establish the feel of their relationship, since you really didn't do that at all. At the beginning of stories it's good to give each main character at least one thing that is unique to them, so that the reader doesn't get them all confused, and you can keep building on that one thing throughout the story, completely fleshing out the characters. So I think them being on the beach would be the perfect opportunity to do that, and you could also explain that they're on vacation, etc, etc. Kind of like an intro.

This part:

“Do you want to go somewhere?” Noel whispered suddenly, looking up.

“Where?”

“Anywhere quiet, I want to get to know you better.”

Seemed sort of sketchy to me, even though I know it wasn't supposed to come off that way at all. But it did because she literally JUST met the guy. "Anywhere quiet, I want to get to know you better." EEK! If a guy I'd just met said that to me I'd ditch him right away and avoid him the rest of the night. And then her friends even point it out and she just shrugs it off any it makes her seem really naive and almost desperate. And I don't even like this Noel guy because I know nothing about him, and I'm not feeling any sort of chemistry between the two. You definitely need to incorporate that in there. It's a love story! But their conversation is so bland, and Noel isn't interesting in the least.

“I met a guy, we’re going somewhere to talk and get to know each other.”

That sounds so unnatural. It sounds forced. It's just really, really obvious that you want to get the two of them alone together to move the plot forward, and you're breaking all sorts of social rules to get there. I don't want to seem harsh with this, and I hope I'm not coming across that way. Like I said before, you can totally ignore this if you want. I'm just telling you my honest opinion.

I liked the very end of chapter three, how you reminded the reader of the no regrets thing. But I would think about making your chapters a little longer, or combining them, because they're so short.

I don't think you should have fast-forwarded through so much of their relationship, because I still felt like I didn't know either of them at all. I wasn't really engaged in the story. When you write, you have to know when to show and when to tell. You do a lot of telling and not a lot of showing, and that's why I didn't feel very connected to this story. Instead of saying that Cara and Noel grew very close, you should show it. Showing instead of telling also tends to make chapters longer.

Through this whole thing, it's like you forgot to give the characters their own personalities. They're just shells. And the story moves so fast. One chapter Cara and Noel are strangers to each other and the next chapter they're head over heels for each other. How did this happen? It's like you say they grew close, but I'm not inclined to believe it at all. I didn't feel sad at all when they said goodbye because I hadn't grown attached to them at all. I didn't really care, you know? You have to find a way to make the reader care - about what you're writing and about what's going to happen.

That's about all I have to say. I hope you don't think I'm being rude, because I'm just trying to be helpful. If you have any questions or you want to talk to me about this a little more, feel free to drop me a comment or whatever. :)

finally! *fist pumps*

Omg pleasepleaseplease update soon! I am loving this story and am waiting for another chapter almost as badly and noel is waiting to see cara. Haha, see what I did there? (;

the letters are very cute :)