Beautiful Bride - Comments

I’m here to judge for the ‘Pick A Couple, Pick A Flyleaf Song, Pick A Theme, And Get To Writing!’ contest.

I like this was a wedding one-shot with nerves and questioning, but in the typical ‘almost cold feet’ kind of way. It was a nice change from the usual tragic stories and whatnot. It still had a little bit of angst—in how Jacky was insecure and unsure and Ronnie was stressed that Jacky’s nerves would get the best of him—but it finished on a high note and with love. I appreciated that both of them really and truly wanted this and each other for the rest of their lives. Though, to be frank, I thought it was really weird that Jacky’s mother overheard them right before they were about to have sex? I know you were trying to have a flashback and introduce the readers to their relationship in more depth, but it would have been better for Jacky to have remembered it on his own rather than the awkward moment of his mother having eavesdropped on a really private moment.

I won’t lie either, I wasn’t entirely comfortable with how you applied the song to the story though—mostly because I dislike the whole heteronormative idea that there’s always a man and a woman in a gay relationship. I hate being asked if I’m “the man or the woman” in my relationships. The fact that Ronnie considered Jacky his “bride” jokingly would have been fine, I guess, if he had actually considered Jacky his groom in all seriousness. He kept just repeating how Jacky was his ‘beautiful bride’, which just conformed to the idea that it’s always man/woman, even in a same sex relationship. I think you could have incorporated it better without doing this, in all honesty. It actually would have worked better if Ronnie had actually changed the lyrics to ‘beautiful groom’ because you could have kept the entire song and made it unique all the same. People do it all the time, it would have been cute.

I also wasn’t very comfortable with their wedding kiss because it wasn’t very, uhm, PG for a church… in front of friends and family.

You also don’t write your dialogue properly at all. You don’t capitalize the sentences nor do you use any punctuation to speak of. It created this mess that was really difficult to read through. It was strange because at some points, you did it properly and even with the proper dialogue tag, but then in the next line, you were back to no capitalization and punctuation. Like take the beginning scene for example:

“mum, I can't do this” Jacky sighed, turning to face the woman still fussing with his jacket. She stopped and looked at her 23 year old son. – Should be “Mum, I can’t do this,” Jacky sighed.

“what do you mean you can't do this, Jacky? You've been looking forward to this day all year!" she said, laying the jacket onto the bed and standing in front of the man. – The beginning, once again, should be capitalized.

"Jacky," she began softly. "you can't back down now. It's nerves talking, love. But you love Ronnie, don't you?" – The beginning part, where she says his name, is actually proper dialogue—capitalization, the comma, the tag line. It’s right and how it should be. But you should either capitalize ‘you’ or change the tag line if it’s one continuous line.

I did like your detail and how well-rounded your characters were. The way you talked about how Jacky and Ronnie met worked well into the rest of the story so it wasn’t some strange, out of place flashback or something. The overall premise of this story, with the wedding and their feelings for each other, were definitely cute so good job.

I absolutly love this one-shot. It has the potential to provoke very powerful emotions. You have a talent that i wish i had. Please continue to write stories and post them for the world to see. Best of luck with any other stories you choose to write.

Your One Shot is amazing and has some really powerful emotions!!

YOU NEED TO ADD MORE TO THIS STORY......

Thank you :3<3.

I like your one shot :3