Confined - Comments

Very well written and interesting! This is very much in the vein of popular fiction nowadays. Post-apocalyptic type setting, strict new world government, faction/districts. But, I love all that stuff, so I am very interested to read more. Keep it up, your writing is wonderful and flows really well. You have definite talent.

I'm not gonna lie, when I first started reading this I didn't expect it to be all that good, considering there's a lot of similar type stories on here that all seem the same. But actually, I was pleasantly surprised. It's very well written, you definitely have a talent. It flows easily, it got me interested right away. I actually read the first few chapters, and might actually come back to it. Aside from a few spelling errors and such, it's really good. Keep it up and keep writing! (:

-Comment Swap-
I only read the first few chapters, but from what I can tell the story is really written well, and I do find the idea pretty interesting. I'd be interested in reading more if only to find out what happens next. That being said, it's not exactly my cup of tea and I wouldn't hunt it out on my own. Though that could change if I come back and read more, which I very well may do just because the writing is so tight that it makes me really want to try and give it another shot.

Comment swap brought me. Wow, I love the premise of this story! I've only gotten to read the history, but it's so interesting and so well thought-out. Also, it's futuristic without being unrealistic, which is something I love and really found interesting. Your writing style is awesome, on top of how thorough the history is, so definitely keep this up! I'll rec!

Comment swap sent me here.

I'm pretty enthralled by this, even just by reading the summary. I'm a massive fan of things like this, and your first chapter, although purely a chapter telling the reader about the history, is beautifully written. Your entire story nd plotline seems really well thought-out; you don't leave any loopholes or questions unanswered in the history. I was reminded of the Hunger Games as well when I started reading the first chapter (but maybe that's because I think I spot Josh Hutcherson in the banner and my mind is making MAAAAASIVE jumps). Aaliyah seems like a really spunky character, I like her even from reading through the first chapter. Again, you seem to have made her multi-dimensional and really thought her out, which is evident when you read through the writing.

I couldn't see any grammar or spelling niggles, which is a massive plus to this story. I'll be continuing to read and recommending this because it really is fab!

This has to be one of the most creative stories I've seen in a long time on here. Layout - faultless. I have to say this, I thought of The Hunger Games when I finished reading this. Obviously they are both completely different idea's and completely different concepts, the thing that remained similar was the complete change of the USA and the talk of rebellion ect.

Beautifully written as well, I couldn't really pull out any spelling or grammar either so well done. This is the type of story that I would see on a bookshelf and pick up to take home. For me there was just something that drew me in. Definitely keep up the good work and I wish you the best in finishing it if its still a priority for you. - Sadie J. Blue xxx

Comment Swap

I like your story idea. Using the first chapter as a history/background into this new society was a very good move. It allows the reader to know a little about the new world they are reading about without being hopelessly confused. There were only two things that bothered me. The first was that you messed up the use of there, their, and they're. That's just a pet-peeve of mine. I agree with the comment below me was that the dripping rose was kind of distracting. It was really cool, but it took the attention away from the story. Good Luck with this :)

wow. I haven't even opened the first chapter yet, but the description is so captivating and I can't wait to start reading it.
After the 'History of Nidrus' I really want to know what's out side of those gates! Ha!
I really like your writing style, very descriptive, just how I like it.
If there was one thing that I could say for you to improve on (it's not even your story, it's the layout ha!) the dripping rose distracts me when I'm trying to read, but that's it. Great story, well done :)

~Comment Swap~

I came to comment swap with the intention of reading the first few chapters and then commenting what I'd read so far. When it sent me here, my plan was scrapped.

Your storyline is amazingly creative and well wriitten. Your charactive voice is good and your ability to show emotion is impeccable. Apart from a few spelling/grammatical errors, this story is absolutely flawless. :) I haven't finished yet, but I will do very soon.

From Comment Swap~

Wow, wow, wow! I’m so glad that the comment swap feature matched me up with your story; it looks brilliant – and this is just from judging the summary and layout – already and I haven’t even started reading yet. I’m curious to find out more about your intriguing world of Nidrus and the characters that lie within it (:

The first chapter is so well-written that I fdkjsfdlksjalfkas. I honestly have no words other than mindless gibberish to describe how I feel about this; it’s so amazingly written. I like the idea of this star falling down from the sky and giving the entirety of California a plethora of creepy powers, which I find totally awesome because imagine if that were true, lol. But I suppose it would be a wicked curse, rather than a blessing, haha, as we can tell as we read further, because now everyone is stuck behind concentration camp-like facilities and nobody really knows why. The plot thickens greatly~

So I’m very, very interested to find out more about this world that you’ve bequeathed upon our humble world of Meebz, and I’m definitely subbing and reccing to this and will come back to read more of this masterpiece when I can. Awesome, awesome job, my friend! <3

Hey, I found this through the comment swap thingy. I love the characters and layout. The writing is pretty well done, save for a few grammar issues. That didn't really deter me from continuing though. This is such a fantastic, original idea! Overall, its a great story

@ Lil'Biskette
Oh my gosh thank you so much! Yea I'm not great with spelling and grammar and try my best to fix it since I don't use Word to fix it for me, but I'll do better with all that. I love you for subscribing! Lol I really do! And when I finish, I just might take you up on the publishing opportunity. And if you are still in love with this story by then end, you will be excited to know there will be a sequel (:

I love your detail and idea! Out of the books I've read in the two reading sites I go to, your idea is one of the most original!

I like the idea of the star and I love stories where people have magical abilities! The most original thing is that girls rule over the men, and I must say that's pretty cool!

Even with the amazing story, I think you need to revise and edit a little more. I found a few mistakes in your chapter, but not that big.

Good job!

(comment Swap!)

Woow... this very nicely done. I love your characters, the layout, the story, the plot, the everything.

Some of your sentances are a little wordy in my point of view so Ikind of suggest to just make sure your sentances are gramaticly correct.

Your first chapter (it's the only one I could read before I made up my mind that I was in love with this) was so well written, I read it twice! (I'm a bookworm, weird I know). But I really believe you should finish it and publish it. If you need a good publisher just ask me. I know a very reliable resource.

I am in love with almost all of your characters and I love the dialogue. As I was reading this I felt like I was in it, the history made me know about the story more and it just made everything come to life. Your descriptions?! Flawless, absolutley wonderful. I'm going to subsribe... I need to subscribe, what you need to do is hurry up and finish!

Californians*
role* not roll
Some editing needed, but wow. The difference is amazing.
Wow! Seriously! I love the Regere! It could totally remain as a way that Falon's voice continues on into the story, guiding and bounding everyone to her previous will.

I'm glad that my suggestion helped and that you called me back to check out your new history chapter! It's amazing, I look forward to the rest. I'm going to subscribe! :D

That was one thing I said. Also use more details of this different world. All the best.

@ discoveringclouds
So I should use more dialogue and less internal thought, is that what your trying to say?

@ Saul Hudson
The name isnt my own spelling. I actually use a website that has names and I chose ones that I really like and that's how the website had it spelling, plus my friend actually has that name and its the same except without the "h" at the end.

Dear Lost to Infinity,

The King has sent us for you. It took us days to find you, and we only managed because the King stepped in. Next time can you be Lost to such and such a street, in such and such a room? It would make locating you so much simpler.

Finding you was a must, the King raged on and on about your summary before we could calm him. The court jester hardly finished his seventh ballad when the King finally cooled his nerves.

The entire Kingdom was frightened. Many men drafted wills.

Fear not, the last thing the King beheaded was a chocolate bar. Our arrival here, as Knights of Comment Swap, is solely for literary means. We aim to correct and commend those in the Kingdom of Mibba.

You must be particularly confused at this point. Wondering what it is that caused such fury. A great story hides it's secrets and it hints at it's surprises before the reveal. Nothing is left open for the reader to question the author, or to feel they revealed too much.Your summary, however, glistened all your secrets and pulled open the blinds into your mind that might have take many chapters to light up.

You tell us everything. You describe the conversations and action, when you should use dialogue. You should be showing us the story. The readers want to interpret your story. Your idea seems unique. Keep it that way. Use all your descriptive words and details.

Also use setting, the Knights floated around in the imaginative space of your story for days before you mentioned the gates. Use setting to ground your story.

Bring scenes out, don't describe things alone, tell us with details. Readers aren't stupid and would hate to be considered so. Drop all the hints and smart literary phrases you can think of, we will catch them. Just don't reveal everything and don't be general. Be specific with your detail.

Also, play with sentence length: "This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

The King wishes to congratulate your original name Nidrus. It is fantastic. And like it is original, so should your story be. So remove cliches. The world almost ended, a "good amount of people did survive" that's not specific. It's general, kind of boring.

As Knights we can spot from these cliche phrases and some original ideas that you mean to show a horrific and hope-gripping scene. To do this you need to show details. If you want to show a different world, tell us the details. Of course not every detail, but as many as you can think of.

For example: "People all over the world slowly began to die out and the world went from advanced and crowded to third world and nearly vacant of people. Though a good amount of people did survive and became determined to repopulate." -Instead, show us all this in scenes. Fill up the pages like the minds of the world population and the characters would be filled. Bring forth your details, dialogue and settings.

Show us that speaking of the gates is forbidden-make up a law book and let us read a passage by quoting "it." Don't tell us everything in the place of dialogue.

Your layout is a bit dark. Knights don't focus on such things though when greats works rest on the pages.

We hope that our noble and legendary selves brought you many good things. Aid rather than grief. Hope rather than anger. Chocolate rather than broccoli.

Keep writing.

Truly yours,

The Knights of Comment Swap

I really like your layout, I love the dark tones you picked as well as the banner I think it's really nice and sharp looking, the only thing I don't like is the spelling of Aaliyah I feel like it's almost an attempt of trying to make the spelling too unique, it just looks strange to me, another thing I don't like is the font you picked for your summary/story it looks really weird and it just looks kind of messy in general not to mention it really doesn't look good with the layout you've picked. I do enjoy your summary, I found it extremely well written and it did a fantastic job of drawing me into the story.

The first chapter I think was extremely well written, I loved the way you explained what happened, the star, the world dying out, the sudden powers, the change of humans to an entirely new species. I really really loved it, I wish you had shown more examples of the powers though, because although I can imagine what the powers are I'd really like the clearance of what the powers are, and the role of men because it wasn't mentioned at all.

Other then those two things, I think it was really well written, I think the story line that you've decided on is really solid and I think it'll do really well once it's just a little more well know. :)