Our Fairytale - Comments

Comment Swap -

As most people have already said a lot there isn't much to say, apart from double check your work and, even though I loved the picture in the back ground, it was a bit distracting from the text.

So re-read and take the info from this experience and improve ;]

In reading this story, I have to say that you did a great job with the plot and getting your point across. My one critique on it would be (as stated below) to double check your work. You have some unnecessary commas in places and a few grammatical errors that could be caught if you re-read your work before posting, or have a Mibbian read it shortly after you post and help you proof it. You also want to be careful with how many prepositions you start your paragraphs off with, words like So can easily be over used (I'm guilty of this as well, that's here proofing comes in). You also don't want to overuse the dramatic ( ... ), it takes away from the story you are trying to tell with all of the suggested pauses. You want your story to flow and come naturally and don't be shy with the profanity. ;) All critiques aside, you have a genuinely good story and it was a good read. :)

Hello! I just wanted to stop by and try and give you a few ideas, maybe to help improve what you wrote, or if you want to write anything else. I read your story, and thought it was pretty good. I think you should re-read your work before you post, and maybe get a beta. Also, as someone else said, it’s not necessary to censor the cuss words in a story. I found this through comment swap, but even if I hadn’t I'd love to read it again if you just did a few clean ups with your story! Just re-reading it again and checking grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. will help you a load! i don’t mean to sound rude, or anything, but i really think with a little fixing up, it'll be a great one shot you posted! Keep working, I'm sure you're next one will be even better! Besides that, I thought you had a great idea for a one shot, and really liked the idea behind it. With just a little fixing up, I think it’ll be a great one shot!  Can’t wait to see what else you will write, I’m sure it will be even better! 

I'm sorry, but I just couldn't push through this. The grammar is terrible, and the breaks annoy me to no extent. And the censoring is really something that isn't needed on Mibba, aside from journals.

Now I respect creative touches, but when it comes to grammar and a professional appeal, there's some things that are a must. I understand this is your first one-shot, but it wouldn't hurt to go back into it and try and... clean it up a little.

I'm not trying to be rude, but Mibba is a step up from other writing sites. And we need to all work as a team of Mibbians to keep out lovely site that way.

aw this kind of made me cry, and I'm not even a fan of this band! I thought this was really well written, and props to you for using proper grammar and proper spelling!!!!!!!
one of my favorite parts of the whole one-shot was when they talked about their own heaven, and meeting at that star. I thought that was so beautiful, and it fit right in with the story. you even had all the medical stuff down, with the cancer and everything. sounds like you did your research!
this is probably something I'll ,come back to and retread because I really liked it! keep writing, you're good at it!
- Olivia <3

I don't get it at aall