I’m here to judge for the ‘Pick A Couple, Pick A Flyleaf Song, Pick A Theme, And Get To Writing!’ contest.
The concept of this was interesting. I liked how their love for each other kept each other going at the worst, and I even liked how Cameron got revenge because it was poetic and powerful that he went to such lengths. You didn’t pull any punches and were unapologetic in the brutality of the entire situation.
However, the pacing of this is too fast. Way, way too fast. It felt like a rough draft, a rough sketch of an outline, rather than a detailed and written story. The climax happened too fast and then was over way too fast. Where I understood not spending too much time on the ‘beginning’ where it was just Cameron and Sam’s daily life, I think you could have slowed way down with the rest—especially in that two-month jump you did. It was so random and abrupt when you had so much potential to really develop an immersing thrilleresque kind of story, especially if you were going to jump between Sam and Cameron’s perspectives in all the time they were apart. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that there was a good ending, but 3k words is just too short for this kind of storyline. Your chapters are too short and brusque.
You could also afford to be more detailed. Everything that happened, you told me rather than showed me. You told me they were in love, you told me how happy they were, and you told me that Sam was scared and that Cameron was angry. I never actually felt it. I never connected, I never felt on edge or anxious about the outcome of the situation because the characters just didn’t resonate with me. There was a lack of emotional depth to your story because you practically wrote the entire thing without any details. I would definitely recommend filling this out some more with better detail.
Your dialogue tags are also improper and you often forget periods at the end of sentences, or a comma during dialogue. I understand dialogue can be tricky sometimes, so if you’re not sure how to do it or would just rather have someone else proofread your stuff, you should definitely get an editor to help you. All the errors were distracting. Plus, you’re supposed to have a line in between every paragraph and you mushed them together a lot.
Overall, this was definitely an interesting story with a lot of potential if you flesh out a little more.
The concept of this was interesting. I liked how their love for each other kept each other going at the worst, and I even liked how Cameron got revenge because it was poetic and powerful that he went to such lengths. You didn’t pull any punches and were unapologetic in the brutality of the entire situation.
However, the pacing of this is too fast. Way, way too fast. It felt like a rough draft, a rough sketch of an outline, rather than a detailed and written story. The climax happened too fast and then was over way too fast. Where I understood not spending too much time on the ‘beginning’ where it was just Cameron and Sam’s daily life, I think you could have slowed way down with the rest—especially in that two-month jump you did. It was so random and abrupt when you had so much potential to really develop an immersing thrilleresque kind of story, especially if you were going to jump between Sam and Cameron’s perspectives in all the time they were apart. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that there was a good ending, but 3k words is just too short for this kind of storyline. Your chapters are too short and brusque.
You could also afford to be more detailed. Everything that happened, you told me rather than showed me. You told me they were in love, you told me how happy they were, and you told me that Sam was scared and that Cameron was angry. I never actually felt it. I never connected, I never felt on edge or anxious about the outcome of the situation because the characters just didn’t resonate with me. There was a lack of emotional depth to your story because you practically wrote the entire thing without any details. I would definitely recommend filling this out some more with better detail.
Your dialogue tags are also improper and you often forget periods at the end of sentences, or a comma during dialogue. I understand dialogue can be tricky sometimes, so if you’re not sure how to do it or would just rather have someone else proofread your stuff, you should definitely get an editor to help you. All the errors were distracting. Plus, you’re supposed to have a line in between every paragraph and you mushed them together a lot.
Overall, this was definitely an interesting story with a lot of potential if you flesh out a little more.