The Boy from New York City - Comments

i'm not going to comment on the grammar issues in this story, as they have already been commented on and i'm sure you can fix them:) the pacing of this story is just right because you've given yourself space to flesh it out instead of rushing it, which i really appreciate. i do think the intro could be a bit longer though but hopefully it will become clearer as the story continues. also, i really like how maturely you've written Sam as a protagonist, she's a great character:)

Well his reaction was better than I imagined hahaha. But oh my goodness. Update! Update! Update!!

@ vmusicforlove
He hasn't found out that secret yet..I'm still trying to decide how I want that whole shebang to go down.

OH MY GOD.
Well I kind of figured they were alive and that's what it was but now the whole finding out Sam is Samantha. O.O I wonder how Alex is gonna feel about it! I think he's totes gonna freak out but happy at the same time. Thanks for he update!!

well.. at least nhe wedding took place? :P Stupid Henry! Did he also manage to put a bugging device in there? oÔ

Hah! I guessed it before Alexander! :DD cute that they are getting married! I hope that no one will be storming in during he ceremony.. :)

I feel like at this point of their relationship, they should tell eachother their secrets. Especially now that it isn't all an act anymore. Blaaah. Dang though. A guy like Alex. Whew. Amazing I love how outspoken and courageous Sam is with her words xD UPDAAATEEE SOON!?

Awww!! Finally!! :DDD I'm kinda confused though... Maybe I forgot but when did Alexander like Samantha Charlston? When did he ever mentioned her infront of Sam? :s

So Liam didn't help her purposely? I really thought that it was all because he wants to find about his parents... He really didn't help her secretly? Ôô somehow? In any way? That would be depressing.
Glad that they are engaged! It isn't an act anymore, is if? I'd like to believe that it never was.

I'm going to do this comment based on the 9th chapter, that way you get some variety in what parts are being commented on.

At the beginning of the chapter there was a lot of dialogue. I think the first 10 or 20 lines was just dialogue, so I would suggest adding some action or description in between those lines. Even something as simple as describing a character moving around can keep it from being all dialogue.
Towards the end of the chapter, there was a little more action and description, but there were large parts of dialogue. You don't have to change it by any means if that's how you like the story, but it was just something I noticed! I think you are a good writer though and I hope you keep writing!

Just found this story and I really like it! :) Liam seemed sketchy from the start! It was clear that Liam and Sam were connected the moment Rose explained her name! ^^ Liam is so.. Sneaky. Getting close to the enemy and winning their (Henry's) trust.. At least in my opinion Henry is the enemy. 'keep your friends close but your enemy closer' Liam lives by that saying! I didn't completely get the kids part though... It was confusing when you mentioned that they didn't look like their parents but in the end they are all family, right? And does it mean that Liam or should I start calling him John.. However, does it mean that he always kept an eye on his sister but never helped her?
I like the story idea! And how Alex and Sam interact with another! Really cute! I wonder how long it will take for one of them saying that it is no longer about the deal. ^^

I wasn't especially intrigued in the first few chapters, but it grew on me a lot. I can connect with Sam on several levels: bluntness, a love of economics, and a desire to stay informed about certain topics. I like the intrigue of the "wealthy" lifestyle because it's a type of lifestyle that I have never had or even glimpsed (except in books and TV). I love the little details you add to create a bigger gap between Sam and Alexzander's lives- how his friends aren't used to walking places or even paying for their clothes, how they talk differently, and how women have different expectations in that social circle. I noticed a few grammatical errors between "your" and "you're", "there" and "their", and some punctuation problems. Nothing glaring, but you might want to look over it again.

LOVED the update! I think Alex's mum is great... not keen on daddy though... why doesn't he like Sam hmmm!

The first chapter was very good. I loved the mystery behind whats happening to her parents. The way you show how 'something's wrong' because her half brother is speaking to her was very ingenious. When reading it I felt like the story was being spoken by the voice of a seven year old. Sophisticated enough to understand her, but still young and confused.

I especially liked the line: "The screams were loud, the tears were apparent, and the running couldn’t come any faster." That caught my eye, especially the running part. Very good description.

I also really enjoyed the last line. It's very ominous and suits the whole thing well.

There were a few 'tense' mistakes. You sort of switched just a little between present and past tense, but there weren't many. I suggest maybe reading it over again out loud and trying to listen to what sounds off.

But other than that this was a great read!

I really liked the first chapter! It was very emotional! I especially like that we got to see Samantha's relationship with her parents before they died (Maybe?), and that we got to see her very real reaction to her death.
In the third chapter, I thought there was a little too much dialogue, but I really liked the end to the chapter! It was really cute and intriguing.

I absolutely love not only the plot and the characters, but also your style of writing . I was pulled in from the first paragraph and now I really need to know how Sam is going to get her justice and find out the answers she's looking for.

I do hope that she and Alex stay together though. They seem to really compliment each other, and now with the introduction of Sara, I think Sam could really have a friend to help her through.

I think your story line is really interesting so far. I also like how strong Sam is, and how she has managed to educate herself despite everything that has happened to her. The way your characters interact is natural and believable. Very well done. This story has a lot of potential. I also LOVE your layout.

There are some grammatical errors however that put me off a bit. They really distracted from all the effort you've put into your writing. They are very easily fixed though, you just need to remember to proof read. In your dialogue, your sentence should always start with a capital letter, for example, in chapter 1 the dialogue should read like this;

...glares at me. "Now, Samantha."

instead of;

...glares at me, "now Samantha."

Also, a couple of times in the first chapter you change from present to past tense. For instance;

John motioned for me to come to him, quickly at that. I look to the door to my room...

it should be;

John motions for me to come to him, quickly at that. I look to the door to my room...

Other than these minor mistakes though, your writing is good. The mistakes are mainly concentrated in the first couple of chapters and won't take much to put right. Keep on writing!

-from comment swap.
The summary and the title are so good – they’re just ambiguous enough to be enticing. I like the inter-personal relationships, but you really must watch your punctuation within speech. It’s the same as normal rules – every sentence needs a capital letter. For me, it ruins the look and flow of your work. I’d have subscribed but I just couldn’t get over “how much did you get today?” and the other mistakes regarding punctuation. You’ve got potential, definitely, and some talent, but you’ve got to refine and proof-read it.

I really like this story! It has a good plot and great characters. Sam is so interesting and smart, I like it haha I can't wait to see where you go with this! The way you have the story layed out makes it easy to follow and it flows together nicely.
The only thing I would really suggest is to watch you punctuation within your dialouge. I must admit the first chapter threw me off because I noticed the mistakes and I thought it would be a poorly written story. But that's not the case at all! I noticed most of the mistakes within the first couple chapters and after that the punctuation improved. There's still itsy bitsy mistakes, but it's better compared to what it was. If you have troubles with the punctuation don't hesistate to ask people or search the rules on google. The mistakes don't bother me, but I know for a fact that it really bothers other people.
Other than that, keep up the good work! Great story!