She Whispers - Comments

This is super interesting and the chapters are separated really well to make me want to keep on reading! I love that it is quite creepy without being super scary too early on (bar the first chapter that really got me hooked)! I think the characters are all really easy to relate to whilst still all being interesting and unique. One small improvement is just that sometimes the dialogue doesn't always feel like things real people would say? Not all the time but it might be worth thinking about :) But generally, carry on with the really great story!

Okay! So first thing first! I absolutely love a good murder in the first chapter. I have always felt like it grips the reader and pulls you in, but with that being said, it can also do the opposite. if I don't know the character, if I haven't experienced any feelings for this character, why should I care that she was killed? The story itself seems like it has great potential and I hope you're still writing it. The only issues I really saw was a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but that can always be easily taken care of. Every author experiences that and I'm not different! I usually try to get my two best friends to read my stories and I will have them edit them a bit, but sometimes that doesn't always help all the way. I would also suggest not introducing so many people at the same time. By introducing so many people at once, you can confused the readers and they have trouble keeping track of who is who. Also, Oliver sounds like a grade A jerk. But that's just my personal opinion and has nothing to do with the real story. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I feel like this has really good potential to be a great mystery/thriller type story. However, there's quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes, and the writing style doesn't quite feel like it matches the plot. Also you introduced too many characters all at once; when you do that so suddenly, it makes it hard to keep track of them all and who they are, which makes it harder to keep up with the rest of the story in turn. All in all, though, this looks like it could lead to very exciting places.

I'm only on the first chapter so far and I'm in love. I'm not usually for mysteries but I think the plot you've created is really very interesting and I cant wait to read more but it doesn't appear you'll be updating as it's been over two years now but if you do come back I would love to see where this story progresses.

I'm only on the first chapter so far and I'm in love. I'm not usually for mysteries but I think the plot you've created is really very interesting and I cant wait to read more.

*comment swap*

Alright, so this sort of shocked me. I liked the whole "Juliet, forbidden love" thing going on. It started out well. And then it got really dark and he just slices her neck open and I didn't read any more of it.

You've got quite a few grammatical and spelling errors here and there in your story and I think if you ever are to work on it again - I see it's been a while! - you might want to run it past a beta.

I don't know why you guys stopped writing this. I was loving every chapter. I don't know why people on here don't like mystery stories. They're stupid. I really wish you would continue to write this... Please....

Look I'm leaving a comment and I'm subscribing and OMG look at that I'm recommending it too!!!!!

I beg you guys please, please,please continue writing and show all these mibbians that mystery/murder stories can kick some serious ass!!!!!

Hi! I like the initial plot idea for this story, and honestly, it reminds me a little bit of my own first manuscript, as that was a mystery/horror type thing, except yours is better, which generally means you have a LOT of potential, all three of you. As I said, I like the idea, though the mechanics and overall maturity needs a little work. The layout is captivating.
I feel like a lot of the comments on this story are harsh, but mibba is (unfortunately) not a great audience for most mystery and horror stories. This story is a good medium for you to expand and develop your individual writing styles, and I highly encourage you to keep going, and I will keep an eye on this story and offer constructive criticism.

Oh my black background and white letters make my head hurt. Other than that, I would have to agree with the comment below mine. Is English not your first language? You should read more and practice your writing. Because this story just comes off as confusing, no offense :s

hm, I really really do love your layout, however I'm not so sure about the story itself.
not only am I not a fan of mysteries and stuff, but I feel as if in your summary you gave too much information. that's the type of information you'd feature in your prologue, not your summary.
also,
there were some grammar mistakes and lack of fluency with the way you wrote. it all just takes time and over time writing matures and grows.
my criticism is a lot of what other comments say.
I agree with just about everything they've said so I'd guess those are the only real problems that need fixing
I'd just maybe suggest expanding your vocabulary and using it comfortably and not losing the description that you begin. you start of strong and then...just fizzle out a little bit so maybe just work on maintaining the dynamics in your writing style.
anyways, good luck and I really like the plot!

hm, I really really do love your layout, however I'm not so sure about the story itself.
not only am I not a fan of mysteries and stuff, but I feel as if in your summary you gave too much information. that's the type of information you'd feature in your prologue, not your summary.
also,
there were some grammar mistakes and lack of fluency with the way you wrote. it all just takes time and over time writing matures and grows.
my criticism is a lot of what other comments say.
I agree with just about everything they've said so I'd guess those are the only real problems that need fixing

Alright, I'm thinking the other comments people have left are about the same as my ideas. For whatever reason, your text came up fine in the summary but white in the chapter, so make sure others can read it too. I like your description, but then you kinda lose it. Just make sure to keep it up the entire way through. Good luck!

Overall, I love the plot of your story! I don't usually like mystery novels, but I liked the plot and setting of yours!

However, I would go back and maybe try to look over some of the tiny grammar mistakes like a couple of forgotten punctuation marks and uncapitalized words.

Also you want to really grab your reader in during the first sentence, which would be better if it wasn't so choppy. I would suggest putting, "She was kind, and well mannered. And in love with photography." together or adding more details to make it two sentences.

I love how well you established the character of Juliet in such a short section. I felt attached to her whimsical personality so quickly that it just made her fate that much more upsetting.

It can sometimes be difficult when there are multiple authors, but I think you two have done a great job! Keep up the good work! (:

I only read the first three chapters, and I must say this sounds really interesting. I'm guessing, based on the first chapter, that this will turn into some cool scary/horror type story. I may come back and read the rest of what's posted because I am curious about why Travis killed Juliet. Good job with the writing and good luck with the story!

FINALLY! First story I've arrived to via comment trade that is interesting and not full of grammar errors! First one I'm subscribing to. I love the first chapter and will get to the rest later. Your dialogue is good, and Travis is an interesting piece of work. Can't wait to read more. Keep it up, definitely. :)

This is really good. This first chapter grabbed my attention a lot. I love the line wherefore art thou Juliet? It's so creepy and it just shows how crazy this guy is. I must read the rest to understand though. I'm a little confused. He seemed like he didn't want to do it, but he was just so cruel about it.

My only tip is that you should go more into detail. Maybe talk more about the water, use personification or a simile maybe. It 's really good, just add a bit more detail.

This is really good. This first chapter grabbed my attention a lot. I love the line wherefore art thou Juliet? It's so creepy and it just shows how crazy this guy is. I must read the rest to understand though. I'm a little confused. He seemed like he didn't want to do it, but he was just so cruel about it.

My only tip is that you should go more into detail. Maybe talk more about the water, use personification or a simile maybe. It 's really good, just add a bit more detail.

I love mystery stories! The title is pretty awesome. I love it. The new layout is better than the last one as well. I saw it before I commented.

To start off, you took the mystery away with the first chapter! I was looking forward to finding out how Juliet Dierdre was killed and who had killed her. I would also suggest going back in your chapters and re-reading them. You have a lot of grammatical errors.

"The medal of a knife.." - metal?

I saw that you bolded a 'please' in the first chapter, but when you wrote 'sooo' in the second chapter I was a bit disappointed. It would look better as 'so'. I understand the italics, bolds, and underlined words or phrases much better than: "He looks sooo hawt!" It's what I think every time I see 'sooo'.
lol ^-^'

You've also got a lot of words without the correct apostrophes.

“Whats up?” - What's
"Theres this really cool river..." - There's
“Its fine Carson.” -It's

Just go back and reread the story and find all of your mistakes. There should still be a spell check for Mibba. If not then try typing it in a word document. If you don't have word, well squint really hard when you're re-reading your work.

:)

I really like this story. I'm not usually one for the mysteries but I did enjoy this story. Loving that you have characters called Hope and Chance, it's adorable. The suspense it kills me. I'm not too keen on the layout, there seems to be a bit too much going on. However, that didn't effect the quality of the actual writing. Glad that the comment swap brought me here.

I'm really enjoying this story so far, I am on chapter three. Jasey is an amazing character and she reminds me somewhat of myself. The first chapter is amazing and it really made me so excited to read on. I have on criticism, and that would be that it seamed to not slow down and just kept going. Other than that it was fantastic.