Insidious - Comments

@ recluse-
Late response.
But actually, I used a real map as reference so everything is geographically correct. ;)

I apologize for taking so long to comment. :/
I'm going to start off with the layout--it's so fitting to the story, and I'm in love with it. It gives off such an eerie vibe to the story, and that's so important when writing and reading a horror story. I like the way everything matches and fits together, with the story content color and the background and the banner.

I haven't read a horror story in a while, so I'm very excited about this. You can sense the terror, but it doesn't have to have blood--just the whole...creepiness of it all. That makes it very memorable and worth-while to read. I'm curious to how the plot is going to turn out, considering I read 2 chapters for the comment swap.

I'll definitely be finishing this. I like the light description it has. It gives a vague image in mind, but it also leaves a lot to the reader's imagination. This really has potential, and you are a fantastic writer. Keep it up! :)

Okay so first you need an apostrophe after Turner's in the first chapter. There is more than one of them.

Secondly Maine isn't a big state so unless Friendship is all the way up near Canada I doubt Henry would have to stay in Portland.

Other than that you've made great characters. You've been very descriptive about them and it gives them life. They actually seem like real people.

I'm not a huge fan of horror stories that include haunted houses or any of that because I usually find those the most scariest. The fact that I'm reading this late at night isn't helping.

Up to chapter three but very interested to know how this turns out. You have a wonderful way of making the end of every paragraph put me on edge - where I can't help but guess when the horror stuff is really going to hit - and I love that about this story. Not many writers can write horror right (it's surprisingly a hard genre to find good work to) but you're definitely one of the very few good horror writers that I've come across.

I'm hooked.

UPON WHICH TEH SHEEP ATTEMPTS TO REVIEW A BELLASTORY WITHOUT AS MUCH DERP.

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I swear down I'mma gut you if some Darth Maul goatman starts prancing across the ceiling in this, fair warning~

Also I'm going to be irritatingly pedantic because otherwise I'll have little to say. So though you know dis already, is just my opinion and I've not written in years so feel free to disregard all of it if ya wishez~
And I'll probably err a little into other slightly-plot-related things because is how ah do. So forgive me for that k this is the first story comment I've done in months~
And I have to catch a train like, nooow, so if this makes no sense COOL YO JETS for two hours, k? k~
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Not immediately clear what Caslin's deal is? I'm reading the paragraph where it's explaining Olivia's worry about maybe not having more children because she didn't want to miss Milo growing up. At a guess I'd say adopted? Second guess would be she's the elder sibling but it was with Milo that the complications came. Butyeah./pedant
*Noting this does get resolved like two paragraphs down

Gonna be honest, I was worried when the baby monitor came into play that an Insidious-esque monitor-hijacking would come up (which I would have totally waggled a finger for, sry), but the clock stopping is way creepier, murhahaha! Kudos. :Y

Chapter five, Mister Freeman's establishment/personality-explanation seems a little protracted. Unless Freeman's gonna big of a character-significance parallelable (shh that's totally a word) to the Turner family, then could do with a fair bit of snippery.

Henry asking about the clock, the phrasing of it I mean, seems a little forced? Like...iuno, pedantry on my part. It seems convenient that he'd happen to ask about that exact clock in that way. I'd expect like a 'hey, where teh clock at?'. Butanyway. Pedantry.

So, up to chapter seven. THe first few chapters kinda came off as establishing each of Caslin, Olivia, Henry, etc., and then later the 'creepy' ramps up a little each chapter. I like that the clock just chills by itself for a few chapters and then you have the glasses falling and the picture falling, you're not divin' straight into the HEY WAIT THERES AN AXE MURDERURR RUN AWAY, which is cool. This is with the expectation that this is going to be a long-ass story. If this is going to be a short story (Like, if at chapter 7 we're at the halfway/thirdway point), I'd say the introduction is way too slow-burning, unless I'm talking too soon and it's about to ramp up something srs. So if this is a long story, fine. If not, fingers be a-waggling.

It's also gonna be no surprise to you for me to say that with horror stories, the easiest bit is the start. You're not at the point where you risk ruining the atmosphere with trying to explain shit, you're still at the point where little perhaps-coincidental things are totally cool, still at the point where 'the worst is yet to come' and whatnot. So the crux of whether this is gonna be 'okay' or 'osm' is gonna be on whether you can sustain this kinda stuff for several several chapters more. But you've seen enough horror movies to know the stuff not to do (See also: darth maul goatman), so I ain't worried about that.

One other thing I'd say is that seeing 'sooner or later' got repetitive after a while. Yuss, it's the ultimate ominousness, but ending the majority of chapters with a kind of 'wait til you see what happens next' vibe ain't necessary. You've got a freaky tickin' clock, that works by isself.

So tl;dr (You know I love to ramble), it's looking good, just don't fuck it up in the tenso-increase and you should be dandy. And I will still send you evileyes if that babymonitor starts speakin teh devil-language, fair warning~

Oh.My.God. Where have you been hiding?!
From the summary, you have LITERALLY pulled me in. There are no words to describe how perfectly set this story is. To your use of descriptions, to your character's mindsets, even down to the flow - OH! I really hope I don't sound like a creep when I say, I had a reader's orgasm. Hah.
Please, please continue!
*SUSCRIBES*

I really love the layout for this, it fits the story and gives that feel if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I only got to chapter two because I have to go, but I subscribed and since you caught my attention just by the prologue I will be back to stalk and comment on this story.
Anyway, one line I found funny. Olivia sometimes joked and said that Caslin had been a test by God to see if they were fitting parents and when they passed it He let them off easy on their second child. Mainly because my aunt said the same about her two kids, T which is a girl screamed and cried all the time and was terribly allergic to everything even grass, and K who was so calm and quiet it was scary, imo, then there's the fact their last name is Turner too. Can't wait to get deeper into the story.

The update was really good! I'm just waiting for something big to happen that will just scare me to death (hopefully not). I really liked how at the end you pointed out the cliche part of a family staying longer then they need too because it's true in most horror stories.

Gah, I just want to know what she thinks she "saw" in Milo's room.

The thumping was scary me!
I don't think I could live in that house. Nope! Not for me. c:

Chapter Five

I think the opening of this paragraph functions well at acquainting us more with Henry. Intially we believe he is this picture perfect father, but here we learn how much effort he has to put in, and how hard he has to try to maintain that balance. Stories like this run the risk of sounding “Mary Sue”ish, but you’re taking all the precations to prevent that, and you have great characterization and plot development. I like the scene with the boss too. It’s another example of Henry working hard to have the life he does.

“Suddenly there was a shrill cry over the baby monitor in Olivia’s hand and she held it out towards her husband. “You get to go pick up your son, he’s been a little cranky. I think he’s coming down with a cold.”

Because you’ve built up such a subtleness, even little things like a cold make me, as a reader, wonder if something more is going on, and I love reading a suspenseful story.

These little concluding paragraphs you do- I like them, where the narrative voice takes over, outside of any particular character. It’s spooky.

“Especially since he might be rich in many areas but in self-discipline department he was a poor man.”
the self discipline… ?

“Guilty to a point where he promised his mirror image, early Friday afternoon, that he’d tell his boss he had to leave early.”
I had to read that sentene a couple times to figure out what you meant. Maybe “reflection” would make it more clear.

Chapter 6
It seems like Caslin’s paranoia has intensified; I like using a desire for her father to be home to show that. Also, I don’t know if this is intentional or not, but I like that in the last chapter, Henry was talking to himself in the mirror and now Caslin is trying to convince herself the house is fine in the mirror. I think you could use that as a place for panic attacks or epiphanies throughout the story, it’s a unique setting.

Even though this isn’t focalized through Olivia’s perspective, I think this is a really humanizing chapter for her. She’s not fulfilling miss perfect house wife, she’s scared and clinging to her daughter’s hand and getting panicked over a bird xD Nicely done.

“Even though she didn’t want to she shifted her legs off the bed and allowed her bare feet to make contact with the cool floors.”
I think you need a comma after “to,” to separate the clauses.

I love the story and the layout, I already subscribed and can't wait for another update!!

I only read the last chapter like you asked but I think it took a while until I could sit down and start feeling the oddness of the story. I get the feeling that everything is slowly, slowly building up and the anticipation kind of builds up nearing the end. Everything from the beginning felt kind of introductory, the same way a first chapter would. I really liked the touch of the clock, it wasn't that spooky just yet but it was interesting.

So I've only read chapter five, but immediately I loved how I could understand what was going on without having to start from chapter one. I'm sure starting from the beginning would be best though and I'll do that when I'm finished this comment. Your descriptions are beautiful, so full of detail I could picture it all in my head perfectly. Now this isn't exactly my kind of story, and I was getting a little bored at how normal it was and nothing extremely exciting or out of the ordinary happened. I was expecting something to happen and I was almost afraid I was going to be let down until I got to the very end. The milk glass was an interesting twist. Simple, yet spooky. Over all I enjoyed it. They seemed like such a believable family. Great job. :)

I love the addition of smell in last chapter in Milo's room. It brings in a completely different dimension to the room, and I like that the smell has nothing to do with the house- it's the crib and the history of the crib, because we wouldn't expect any nice smells from the house itself.

Hello,

This is for comment swap.

It is currently ten at night here and reading this made me feel like I was in the Turner's house listening to the ticking of the clock. Your writing is breath taking and it makes almost all the readers feel as if they are in Caslin or Olivia's shoes. I must admit, I glanced at my ticking clock and became a bit paranoid. Well done, it is truly hard to scare me than beyond repair.

The layout truly fits the story and the house is beautiful but mysterious. Creepy is the right word for it. This is the first story for comment swaping that I am subscribing to. Well done and good luck.

I know you mentioned to me that you thought this chapter needed some editing, and one place I think some improvement could be made is the imagery. As this chapter is written now, your imagery is very color based, at least in the second half when Olivia goes to Milo's room. In the rest of this story, and in most of your writing I've read, your imagery is very well balanced- between colors, sounds, smells, feelings, etc. This is our first look into Milo's nursery, where no doubt some crazy shit will go down by the end of this story, so we need a really strong impression of it. But, like that will be hard for you to change around to your liking, you're so good with details!

This chapter builds up a lot of suspense. God, I was holding my breath waiting for the end of the chapter. I was like, OMG, the clock will start ticking without batteries and my life will be over, but you don't go for the easy plot twist, and that's good. You keep it subtle and creepy!

"(the room was a color clash, and yet somehow everything in there it together perfectly)."

fit together

This clock business is so intriguing! I love it. You're doing amazingly. :)

I love the amount of detail you put into this, with some stories authors can put too much detail in and it just feels like they're shoving it down your throat, but you've managed to get the balance perfectly and all these little details help build the story and the characterization :) It kind of reminds me of The Messengers, but I think it's just because you're using Kristen Stewart as the girl xD But you've really made the characters your own, and the story is amazing so far ~

Yay, another update!

I'm still loving this, it's an absolute gorgeous story. Everything about it is great. I absolutely loved Chapter Three, I think it's getting into the story very well. It had such a nice start, and now everything is just flowing so well. I loved in the third chapter how you used the Tick, [Tock. It was for some reason really awesome to me, I really loved it. Also, I can start to feel the suspense build up. It happened quick, but it's forming very well.

I love this story, it might be my current favorite on Mibba. It's really, really amazing.

Can't wait for another update! <3

The type of details and the scenery you paint in the beginning is just perfect- about Caslin not being able to fit a desk in her old room or the brand of the typewriter- the kind of things people actually talk about when they move into a new place, and the types of things they think about when rearranging a new room.

The clock starting and stopping is a great way to ease into the horror of the house, something Calin's parents will shrug off, and something she even thinks is a little ridiculous.

“The front door closed just as she reached the bottom and then she was alone, which didn’t really bother her.”

I like this line, because it would be great to make a parallel statement about later in the story- when she hates being home alone because of the eerie house.

“Even though it was summer, their little town often got chilly due to the fact that it was so close to the sea."

I think there should be a comma in there, to separate the dependent/independent clause.