April 28th, 2012 at 01:06am
The layout is nice, and the colours you picked match the story despite that I couldn't see the words under the sunlight (I was using my phone). The picture, too, fits well with the tone of the story, depressing, stressing and such.
The summary was the best part of the story, I have to say because the flow is really stronger than the chapters. It seems like you rushed through the chapters, so I guess that was what it was. I agree with Leo Wyatt. about how you should put 'the same' before the grief for flow's sake.
Chapter one was intriguing. It serves more like a prologue, and a good beginning it was, too. I got pissed, too, because some psychiatrist tends to do like what Audrey's asked her to do. If they wanted to help, they shouldn't really make their patients recall what already haunts them and then force them to talk about it. That'll just make it worse, in my opinion. Don't they have any other way to help their patients?
Anyhow, I also love how you explained the title in the first chapter without even showing that you were explaining. I seriously had no idea what the title 'unforgettable' really mean, I thought it meant that Audrey was unforgettable or something, but that's just because I'm a bit slow.
There wasn't any mistake I spotted in the first chapter but in the second, there were some:
As Leo Wyatt. pointed out, I laid still in my flat mattress bed, as I tried to fight it off. - it's supposed to be lay, as in past tense of lie.
I bent my knees up to my chest, and wrapped my arms around my knees it'd be better if you replaced the second 'my knees' with just 'them'.
I felt more an more trapped *and
I was far too much for me to handle. I don't know if I misunderstand this but I think it should be 'it'.
This second chapter was kind of short, and still didn't start the story of what really happened in the past. It's more like she whining, but it was okay, I just wish there was more because I really want to know what happened, how did she end up like this.
Good job anyway :D
I've already subscribed and I'll wait for the update!
The first chapter was a good introduction to the character. She sounds annoyed, as I would be too, at having to keep this journal. I imagine constantly being reminded of being stuck in an institute would be more irritating than progressive.
The second chapter showed some progress as we got a glimpse into her deaings with nightmares and her surroundings. I also loved how she described having to turn to a battered old notebook for help, and not a human soul.
I think this is very interesting and could go places with a good plot! Good luck!