Unforgotten - Comments

  • Monroe;

    Monroe; (615)

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    Gender:
    Age:
    34
    Location:
    Ireland
    This story is very intrigueing. I've read stories where young people keep journals, where young corrupted people keep journals, but you took an interesting twist to it and wrote it from the POV of someone instituted and I think that's going to geatly impact this story!

    The first chapter was a good introduction to the character. She sounds annoyed, as I would be too, at having to keep this journal. I imagine constantly being reminded of being stuck in an institute would be more irritating than progressive.

    The second chapter showed some progress as we got a glimpse into her deaings with nightmares and her surroundings. I also loved how she described having to turn to a battered old notebook for help, and not a human soul.

    I think this is very interesting and could go places with a good plot! Good luck!
    April 28th, 2012 at 01:06am
  • invisible secrecy.

    invisible secrecy. (100)

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    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    Canada
    The layout is nice, and the colours you picked match the story despite that I couldn't see the words under the sunlight (I was using my phone). The picture, too, fits well with the tone of the story, depressing, stressing and such.

    The summary was the best part of the story, I have to say because the flow is really stronger than the chapters. It seems like you rushed through the chapters, so I guess that was what it was. I agree with Leo Wyatt. about how you should put 'the same' before the grief for flow's sake.

    Chapter one was intriguing. It serves more like a prologue, and a good beginning it was, too. I got pissed, too, because some psychiatrist tends to do like what Audrey's asked her to do. If they wanted to help, they shouldn't really make their patients recall what already haunts them and then force them to talk about it. That'll just make it worse, in my opinion. Don't they have any other way to help their patients?

    Anyhow, I also love how you explained the title in the first chapter without even showing that you were explaining. I seriously had no idea what the title 'unforgettable' really mean, I thought it meant that Audrey was unforgettable or something, but that's just because I'm a bit slow.

    There wasn't any mistake I spotted in the first chapter but in the second, there were some:

    As Leo Wyatt. pointed out, I laid still in my flat mattress bed, as I tried to fight it off. - it's supposed to be lay, as in past tense of lie.

    I bent my knees up to my chest, and wrapped my arms around my knees it'd be better if you replaced the second 'my knees' with just 'them'.

    I felt more an more trapped *and

    I was far too much for me to handle. I don't know if I misunderstand this but I think it should be 'it'.

    This second chapter was kind of short, and still didn't start the story of what really happened in the past. It's more like she whining, but it was okay, I just wish there was more because I really want to know what happened, how did she end up like this.

    Good job anyway :D

    I've already subscribed and I'll wait for the update!
    April 23rd, 2012 at 10:27am
  • Bella Goes Away.

    Bella Goes Away. (860)

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    Age:
    102
    Location:
    Yemen
    Summary:

    Every moment I feel the same pain, the same sorrow, and grief.
    - I would have loved to see "and the same grief" at the end too, just to make it fit with the rest of the sentence.

    I really like the summary, even though it's a bit long and doesn't really give a clear hint on what the story is about. It still manages to make me want to know what's going on. Who she is. What happened.

    One:

    This chapter is brilliant. It feels like a prologue more than anything and it really opens up for the story. It basically makes an opening statement, and now I hope the next chapter manages to follow the same level.

    Two:

    I laid still in my flat mattress bed, as I tried to fight it off.
    - It's "lay".

    I like the concept of this story very much, I definitely do, but I hope it takes another turn at this point. The first chapter felt like a prologue due to the way it was written, because of the lack of details and such. And it fitted perfectly. For the second chapter it got a little bit repetetive because it felt like the same thing again. I definitely like the story, as I said, but I don't know, it just felt a little repetetive. :)
    April 22nd, 2012 at 06:00pm