Pass - Comments

I really liked this, pretty much everything about it from the layout to the content of the story. It was very well-written and beautiful, but in an undeniably dark and twisted.

You're a very good writer: the character (while he isn't named) is detailed and deeply written, and you as a reader can feel each and every of his emotions and words as though you were him. His love for the Persian girl seems to have gone beyond love and more into the realm of dependence. Like he can't, physically cannot live without her.

Also, you use advanced and fitting word-choice that emphasizes the story's theme. The character is very confused, it seems, with his rage and his self-hate and his intensity.

Pity this is a oneshot. It's beautiful.

--J

I definitely adore this sort of grunge, dirty stylethat comes with your writing and really compliments the actually content, I think. Little things like junk-sick mind which are really different, but I love the specific tone that comes with it. :3

Womb-like, too, that's a very different sort of adjective but I love the connontations that come with it. I don't know why, but that specifically really resonated with me. The wording too, it fits well with the timeline. While it's not 1996, I can assume it's somewhere near there, and things like spastic really make it more realistic.

I actually really like his character too, a sort of self-loathing, well, spastic, aha. I really liked the without screaming that they're doing it wrong part too, because it really reveals how severe and intense he is.

The ending, too, even though it was fairly short I was already immersed into their twisted love story. I could really empathise with his character, especially with how he tried so hard to distance himself with this Persian girl but in the end he only found himself falling apart.

It's a really beautiful piece in a really twisted way but poetic way, and I can only assume that's what you were going for, so you did an absolutely amazing job. c:

Comment Swap!
Ok, I have mixed feelings about this. In one sense, I love the abstract way of writing, and I love the creative feel to it. I like the description, and reminds me a bit of poetry rather than a story.
In the other sense, I found difficulty understanding the story. I'm all for doing things a little different, and I love a little creativeness, but I did have difficulty keeping up with it, or understanding it.
Just my opinion, but maybe try having a bit more internal flow. I did like it and I found it very interesting, but a little hard to keep up with.

(Comment Swap? It's an eye opening summary, if nothing but. Though it realy say nothing of the story?
Maybe add some description to the chapter, anything more then just "1." and "1/1", reaaly said nothing.
(Chapter 1)
"even of died with", this feels like you need to refrase?
sory, but what does "she’d stay my something safe." mean? to me, it's a jumble of words. this is Narative mode, since you're describing something, not a "Quote".
Is that how you feel, when you're n the game?
refusing to see, who and what you've already turned into, and how much further you're going?
This isn't a life. it's more of death, and self dilusion?
Maybe a comma on a few places would help?
Funny how easy it's to follow, how captivating it is.
Just none of the details how low it went, or how high?
That's what happend, isn't it?
Either you're blanketing it away, or you never were there? it's just how I feel?
In a way the image capture something out of the story, if it is the story, itself?
since her feet are missing?
What's the wheel chair for this story?

*from comment swap*
I love this, even if it was only a one shot. I love that you didn't just straight out say that it was heroin. I mean, at least that's what I think it is considering the Nikki Sixx mention, lmao. But, great story. You should have this as a prologue to an actual full length :)

First of all, i love your summary! it is very captivating which makes me want to read even more.
Second of all, your grammer is great, which is a releif because people can write stories on mibba, and not have a clue of what they are saying.
Third of all, your descriptions and dialogue flow very nicely. Some people aren't able to do that. You are a great writer, and this is a breath of fresh air. Nothing like i've ever read!
keep up the good work. you are really talented. such a captivating first chapter!

This is really good and well written. I'm going to agree with NatalieDeJayy this is really different. I never read a story like this in a long time. And the last one that I did read wasn't nearly as good as this one. So good job on it! You seem to be a very talented writer from what I'm getting from this. Again good job:)

Wow. Just... WOW. This is so... different? Is that the right word for it? Well to be honest, this isn't what I usually read but thats mkay. Hehe. At first, the picture kind of freaked me out and Im not sure it actually went with the story. But still, a very dramatic piece to the puzzle. Oh and Comment Swap is what brought me to this. If you were curious or couldnt tell. I enjoyed your piece but it could've been better. Used more description and added a few more events. Just made it longer and less... boring. No offense and all. Hope this helps and lots of love and luck to you with your writing.
-NatalieDeJayy<&3

Comment swap brought me to your story.
It was okay, not something i would normally read but it's okay. The plot was okay it's wasn't very original.
Overall your story was alright
I liked how simple your layout is though to be honest I'm not very sure what the picture has to do with anything
Sorry for spamming your story, I haven't written enough :)

Comment swap brought me to your story.
It was okay, not something i would normally read but it's okay. The plot was okay it's wasn't very original.
Overall your story was alright

Comment swap brings me hither.
I don't really like the layout, or how short the story is. I'd usually never read a short story because I don't get the same thrill you do with a full-length novel or novella. I recommend making the picture Scroll and not fixed on the layout maker?

But I love your descriptive writing style the the way you layout the plot so elaborately. I also love the characters and the way it's past tense. Thanks for a good read. <3

Hi :) Comment swap brought me here .

Uhm , your story is okay , even though the plot isn't something great or unique . It's readable , though :) .

What really bugs me is when people write short stories , and I really think you could have written a bit more , and maybe added some events that would inevitably make the story more interesting , because frankly the story was ... kind of boring ( no offense .) .

The use of grammar and all was excellent , so good for you ! I just think you should have given a bit more SOUL into your piece of writing :)

That's all :) Bye!

I was brought here by the comment swap thingy and was kind of disappointed that it was only one chapter-_- but then when I started reading I was surprised.
You're very descriptive and I admire this sick man's way of thinking when he dumped the Persian girl; P All the details & straight to the point
Oh yeah, I loved your layout also: )

I was brought here by the comment swap && I'm glad that your short story was there because I liked it^_^
All the details & to the point..& I loved your layout also: )

The layout is good, but be careful when the image is the almost same colour as the front. In some places, it's a little harder to read. But, still good.

I was very intrigued. This was different and it makes me want to know more about this "demented control freak" guy and his Persian girl.

But, short and to the point is what I like. I liked this. Very little mistakes.

All in all, good job. :)