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Gratification - Comments
"Shame pools in my gut as the clammy feeling takes over; my toes curl and my fingers drive their nails into my palms."
This line, I think, represents the narrative voice you should strive for in this story. It's not flowery language, it's not complex- it's raw and very sensory laden. The opening paragraph of this story doesn't quite get there, it sounds a little off, and I think the use of the word "dessert" is part of that, it's too nice and doesn't mimic the physical process being described as darkly as everything else in the story.
I scream out"
I would almost start out with those lines. They mimic the sort of minimalism of the piece as a whole, and they're intriguing. Immediately after reading them, your reader has questions and is motivated to keep reading the piece.
I enjoyed this piece and the style it was written in, but the one thing I felt I was lacking as a reader was the cognitive aspect. I didn't have a good feel for what this man was thinking.
April 25th, 2012 at 05:32am
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