Pure - Comments

  • Join the Masquerade

    Join the Masquerade (100)

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    30
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    Australia
    Comment swap :)

    I'm not too familiar with Harry Potter. He's a wizard. That's the extent of my knowledge on this fandom.

    I liked the first chapter. I think it gives a nice introduction and a good idea of what this story is going to be covering. I found no grammatical errors.

    Some of your sentences run too long with too many commas and it makes them hard to read. Try to read some of them out loud. They sometimes pause in awkward places and too often.

    Two happy years passed, until my father and Lucius had a terrible arguement.
    *argument

    Pulling himself to his feet, he stood tall, the fire made his blue eyes gleam dark and fierce.
    *making is blue eyes

    I understand what you're trying to do with the dialogue but it's distracting to have to work some of the words out that don't immediately sound like anything familiar.

    Overall, you have minimal errors and your story is progressing to a point, which is always good :)
    September 9th, 2012 at 09:44pm
  • Rawr! BELLAsaur!

    Rawr! BELLAsaur! (100)

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    United States
    I love this!!
    I can't wait to read what happens next! Very Happy
    May 26th, 2012 at 03:55am
  • indigo.

    indigo. (480)

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    Fiji
    You are such an amazing writer. I envy how well this story is flowing and the amount of detail you've incorporated (and research no doubt, lol).
    May 12th, 2012 at 03:52pm
  • No Brakes; No Mercy

    No Brakes; No Mercy (100)

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    27
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    United States
    I love this story so far. I can't wait for the next chapter!
    May 9th, 2012 at 11:13pm