Married to a Monster - Comments

  • Barbielovesyou

    Barbielovesyou (100)

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    @ SoberBunny
    Thanks! I did my best with this one xD Yea, they did screw up some.
    October 4th, 2015 at 03:25am
  • SoberKitty

    SoberKitty (100)

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    @ Barbielovesyou
    It sounds like they already screwed up their mission, she's creeped out and doesn't want to join their group. XD Good example of how most monsters actually have no idea how to function in a social setting, which brings some comedy to it all. I thought it was short and sweet, and it was good to see another point of view that wasn't the innocent main character. :)
    October 3rd, 2015 at 11:39pm
  • Barbielovesyou

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    @ SoberBunny

    Yea, I actually had to re-read it a few times, before posting it. Just to make sure I wasn't repeating sentences. xD What do you think of the new chapter?
    October 3rd, 2015 at 10:37pm
  • SoberKitty

    SoberKitty (100)

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    I'm actually glad to see a lot of 'while', reminded me 'as' is not the only conjunction out there. XD Vocab is an easy fix though I mean thesaurus.com is my best friend for synonyms to my own repeat words haha. I don't mean to red pen though it's a good story. ^^
    October 3rd, 2015 at 10:12pm
  • Barbielovesyou

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    @ SoberBunny
    Alright. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll re-look it over, and fix the few mistakes. :D I usually do catch myself writing too much of one word, and it aggravates me to think that there's no other word to replace it xD I don't have a lot of vocab for stories like this, so I try my best.
    October 3rd, 2015 at 07:34pm
  • SoberKitty

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    Alright unlike last time I'm not all brain fried and sleepy for a comment. XD Woohoo AA coffee. Anyways, if I were to decide which 1-3 was better I would definitely say this one. But it's not ringing bells of weird stuff I watch in my spare time, it's more in depth into the character, and way less time-liney. :) In the previous version I think I mentioned not believing some of the things that happened, but this one was certainly more believable. I guess any suggestions I could make would be maybe slow down with the "while's", the 'I did this while doing this and saying,' you know what I mean? It's something I catch myself doing a lot with 'as' in my own story. And I've noticed reading out loud that it tends to trip a reader up. Just a little editing trick. Oh, and tiny details like "she set down a plate of spaghetti" or whatever, rather than "she set down a plate of food" and tiny stuff like that will help with the detail to help readers kind of understand scenery. Other than that, I think it's going great. Can't wait to read more. \^.^/
    October 3rd, 2015 at 10:32am
  • Barbielovesyou

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    Sure. I think I'll re-write it.

    @ SoberBunny
    October 2nd, 2015 at 07:07am
  • SoberKitty

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    @ Barbielovesyou
    No problem :) and I'm not one to judge for a rewrite, my own story is like six drafts and three posts in. xD but yeah, would love to see where yo take it
    October 2nd, 2015 at 06:55am
  • Barbielovesyou

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    @ SoberBunny

    Actually, this story was supposed to be a lot longer, so that the plot was stretched out. I really feel like I should re-write the whole thing over again, just to get the jest of what it was actually supposed to be out...but slowly moving, you know what I mean?
    October 2nd, 2015 at 05:54am
  • Barbielovesyou

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    @ SoberBunny

    Actually, this story was supposed to be a lot longer, so that the plot was stretched out. I really feel like I should re-write the whole thing over again, just to get the jest of what it was actually supposed to be out...but slowly moving, you know what I mean?
    October 2nd, 2015 at 05:54am
  • Barbielovesyou

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    @ SoberBunny

    Actually, this story was supposed to be a lot longer, so that the plot was stretched out. I really feel like I should re-write the whole thing over again, just to get the jest of what it was actually supposed to be out...but slowly moving, you know what I mean?
    October 2nd, 2015 at 05:54am
  • Barbielovesyou

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    @ SoberBunny

    Thank you so much for your suggestions and comment. I will look it over, and see what it is that I'll need to fix up.
    October 2nd, 2015 at 05:38am
  • SoberKitty

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    Alright I promised feedback once I got back on the computer. But it's been a late, busy night and I'm a bit worn out so I'm sorry but I only got to chapter five before sleepiness caught up with me. So far, this story reminds me a lot of 'Diabolik Lovers', minus the part where I don't want to finish. Because I do. XD Anyway, I'd say that the plot is escalating a bit quickly. A good idea, but it's sort of like wait what huh, why should I even believe any of this? And an easy fix for that would be to add a little more detail, to character's personalities and their surroundings. We get what they look like, but more about how she interacts with her family, how sad they seemed, what occurred on the way to the airport. Why on earth she agreed on leaving, why on earth she believed Frank saying boom sorry parents dead. Detail would also help soften the sort of time-liney feel this has: and then. and then. and next. and then...

    HOWEVER, when you do describe things, like how she feels and the weird way she was at home with creepy monster people was pretty awesome. The beginning certainly had me hooked and Frank's flashback was an interesting window into his motives. This is also a wonderful switchup from the cliche "I'm in love with a good monster" Twilight nonsense. Monsters are bad and they feed off pain, which you have captured wonderfully. Keep up the good work, definitely. :) Now that I feel awkward for babbling lmao
    September 26th, 2015 at 11:44am
  • Barbielovesyou

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    Yea she is.
    August 9th, 2012 at 12:22am
  • Blair_Ky

    Blair_Ky (100)

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    Is Alex still related to Frank or have you changed that. Because it's still kind of weird :P Loving the chapters though :D
    August 8th, 2012 at 08:39am
  • Blair_Ky

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    *Red Riding Hood is Pirate Jay Moose. Just to clarify
    August 8th, 2012 at 08:18am
  • Barbielovesyou

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    Mr. Green Mr. Green
    August 3rd, 2012 at 08:18am
  • Barbielovesyou

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    I just love this story, don't you?
    August 3rd, 2012 at 08:18am
  • Blockli

    Blockli (100)

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    Keep it up!
    August 2nd, 2012 at 11:03pm
  • SabasaurusRex

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    I read a few chapters, and I like the ominous tone the whole thing has. It seems like Alex's family has a shady thing going on, and I like that I am able to sense that. It'll be interesting to see where this goes, and whether Alex will comply or not.
    July 24th, 2012 at 02:00am