Marvel Her Beauty - Comments

I like it I normally don't read things like this but it was really good sentence structure in a few places could some work

I've never really read any x-men first class fanfiction before as I actually prefer the stuff based around the actual graphic novels so I was curious about how this would work out.

There was one or two sentences that didn't sound right to me reading them to myself, but that was just my opinion and obviously my writing/reading preference will be different than yours. There was also a couple of grammatical errors, for instance in Charles had sent a telepathic message in to her mind. he knew a place to hide. the 'h' of 'he' should be capitalized and allowed that spark to control her better Judgement. the 'j' should be lower case.

I also think the first chapter felt a bit... rushed almost. I think it would have been good if you'd slowed the pace down and taken more time to introduce more characters. Because I'm familiar with the characters it's not so bad for me, but for people new to the fandom it might be harder to keep up, but again that's just my opinion.

Also in the last paragraph- Ended up wondering off - 'wondering' should be 'wandering' (:

Being that I'm not part of the Marvel fandom, and not really into fanction in general, it's tough for me to make a meaningful comment about your storyline or characters, which, assuming your piece is mostly plot and character driven, makes for pretty limited commentary.

What I can say, however, is that I think your writing is pretty solid, stylistically speaking. There are a few awkward paragraphs right at the beginning, and the dialogue is a bit stilted, but these are pretty minor infractions.

In terms of recommendations, I would say that reading your work aloud as you write, via both hearing and feeling it in your mouth, can really reveal a lot about its quality. Writing is processed very differently by the writer, who often simply thinks the words, and by the reader, who must interpret them cognitively. To better communicate your ideas and avoid those little awkward patches, placing yourself in your readers' shoes and voicing out your prose is a great place to start. In terms of dialogue, I would just ensure that its presence really adds something to the text or reveals something about your characters rather than its simply being there for length or for no reason whatsoever. Again, I don't get this feeling often when reading your piece, but it does arise every now and then, which can be jarring and very interrupting to your narrative flow.

Lengthy comment aside (really, you deserve a medal for reading all of this), I think that this is one of the better examples of fanfiction that I've read, which is refreshing coming from such a young writer. I hope that, as your writing matures, it will be easier to see your specific narrative voice through the text--to see you (or your character) relating a story rather than a story simply being related.

Keep up the good work!

alright. It's official. I am in love with xmen now that ive read your story. I love how unique your writing style is, and how much description you use. Keep Writing!

Comment swap brought me here. I really really like this story even though I'm not a huge x-men fan. I love your writing style. 1. I like the name Ginger. Is that really the characters name or did you make it up yourself? It doesn't really matter. I still like it. Also I like the fact that you have a lot of white space (or in this case) black space between your paragraphs. It makes it really easy on the eyes. Honestly I've only read Chapter 1 so far but I plan to continue reading.

I never saw x-men first class, but this is a great story. I love Ginger's personality. I'll be subscribing to this one. :]

Hey i've never watched x-men but i really enjoyed your story, i'll admit that i have only read the first chapter but from what i read i really liked. You went into great detail making it easy for the reader to be able to picture what's happening and allowing them to be able to get into the story. It is clear that you enjoy writing and have a great talent.

Hi so I've never watch xmen first class but this seems like a really nice story. I didnt see any spelling or grammar issues. You have a fantastic plot and it will be interesting to see where you go with it. Keep up the good work.

~Rach

Comment Swap Brought me here, and I read Chapter 7!

"Although one Mutant still needed to take part and contribute using her gift. "Ginger!" Hank called from the basement, Eric had just finished connecting two pieces of metal which would now constitute as the helmet."

I think it would flow better if you separated the dialog from the rest of the paragraph, and put a period after "hank called from the basement." What eric is doing isn't part of the dialog's descriptive beat.

"I twas unusual for Ginger at first, she had always treated herself as a monster and as a consequence had avoided any sort of human contact."

You have a space in "it"

The beginning of this paragraph seems like a lot of telling, rather than showing. You have two paragraphs worth of material about backstory in between lines of dialog in a continuos conversation, which disrupts the flow.

"Hank guided her towards a larger rectangular machine, he had kindly added two glove-like components so Ginger could use these to store the energy source within the generator. "

Run-on sentence. A comma cannot separate two complete clauses.

" A torturous feeling filling her gut at the realization that she was unable to stop the tickling while supplying the energy."

should be filled her gut, to maintain verb tense.

"Deciding she needed to push herself in order to achieve the best reaction Ginger began to pulse more electrical currents in to the machine."
should be a comma after reaction

I think the description of Ginger in the machine and in pain is one of the best parts of this chapter, because you describe the scene more than just visually, but you write about the sensation of touch as well and the emotion of shock. It's very multi-dimensional.

" She called, hoping no one was actually snooping around the room in order to protect what she presumed was important technology, why else would Shaw keep them?"

Another run-on.

"It sounded like the person intended on making a slow entry but was betrayed by the squealing door, the footsteps were also difficult to hear."

Another run-on. You used the comma correctly with the conjunction "but", but a comma alone cannot separate two complete sentences.

I like the cliff hanger you leave at the end of the chapter. If I liked the X-men, it would make me want to keep reading.

Sorry if it seems like I'm mostly commenting on technical issues, but there were quite a few of them, and they detract from the story at times.

Basically, I'm hear for basically the same reason as Chasinb cars. I've never seen X-men, but this seems really good. It's just not my kind of thing. I know that this comment must havve like...a tonn fo typos, but it's like...eraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllly hard to tle what I'm typing, cuz my screen if frozen...UGH!!! This si sooooooooo annoyiign!! fsda;hfsdgdsjgf;dslfjds;lfjhgkjdsgkj

Oh god!! This is sooo annoying . IDK what I'm even saying....

Me right now:

So Comment swap brought me here.

I've never really been onto the whole x-men marvel stuff but this has really got me to change me mind! I love the way you portray each character and just how you write in general!

Keep it up! I would like to see more!

So comment swap lead my here and I am not super huge on the whole x-men thing, but your story had me questioning that for a second there. Hahaha. You're story is really nice from what I have read. I must admit it is kind of hard for me to get into stories, but when I find time I just might read the rest. Anyways it was put together very nicely and over all just a good story.

Like some of the other people on here I am not a huge x-man fan. However, I did really like your story. Everthing came together really well and I was not confused at any point. I like the discription and details that you used in your story, it really got me more involved! Great job and keep writting!

I found your comment via comment swap, but really enjoyed it. First off,I'm not a huge x-men fan,but still enjoyed your story. Your story flowed easily and you made it so you didnt have to be a huge x-men fan to follow your story. Also,I love your backround. haha. Besides that,I really enjoyed your story and already subscribed. Good Job with everything! :)

I'm not a huge x-men fan, but this is good!

Like some of the other people here, I am not a huge x-man fan. However, I really got into your story. You put everything to gther really well, and had really good description. Nice Job!

hello, I found your comment via comment swap, but really enjoyed it. First off,I'm not a huge x-men fan,but still enjoyed your story. Your story flowed easily and you made it so you didnt have to be a huge x-men fan to follow your story. Also,I love your backround. haha. Besides that,I really enjoyed your story and already subscribed. Good Job with everything! :)

Hello love, I have posted this comment before. But I want to see if I need to post again for the feature to work again. :) Sorry for the false comment. :( (Comment Swap)
I really enjoyed this although I'm not a huge fan of the X-Men. I encourage you to keep on writing this. :) Good Job. I found the first chapter to be rather sad. I'm a fan of what you did to the layout. I also could picture everything that was going on perfectly! I'm happy that CS sent me to this story.

Ok, I am sorry that my comment has taken so long. I will admit I have a couple of chapters left, but what I have read is completely awesome! There were still some grammatical errors, but I can't remember where and what they were. If I could I would read the last two chapters, but I must unfortunately relinquish my computer to those who do not listen to me when I say I am busy. However, I am subscribed and will keep reading. =)

Holy crap. I wish I'd read this earlier!! I really love x-men and I never even considered reading one until now. And I'm glad I did!! You're such a good writer!! So descriptive, well written. You're amazing. Subscribing. Recommending. THE LOT!! I can't wait to read more. I may even read it again :)