Fairytales Real or Not - Comments

Comment Swap brought me here, I'm actually quite glad it did.

I was originally going to say "You need to add paragraphs."
But it shows from when you first started writing this, that you suddenly realised and from Chapter 3/4 you started having paragraphs.

I really like the ideas you've got for this, I don't always like to read fanfictions but this one was surprising. I've recommended and I will subscribe. Sorry if you wanted more of a "you need to do this", "you need to change that" comment, it's just not my style, I prefer to tell people what I like about it and leave all the "change" comments to other people.

Thank you for giving me such a brillitant read, keep up the good work!

I like the title of this story. I don't like how there isn't a story layout, there are premade ones up for grabs. Or tutorials on how to make your own. They add a great deal to the story. There were some errors that a quick proofread could fix. The story is compelling and I believe has standards if it was to be revised. After reading that this is your first story, it does have great potential, since this story is inactive good job on your other ones ;)

I found it hard to read this story. mainly because I have dislexia and when dialouge and paragraphsare bunched up its difficult for me to follow the storyline. I agree with the comment below the first part in chapter 1 should be in the summary, it's how I would do that. Sentences are long, short ones are desirable. I think it has potential though, I love ATL and I love reading related fan fictions but I think you should work on thethe way you've set it out. good luck.

I agree with everything StandUp said. I don't know who ATL is, but I've seen some fanfics on here. This story has potential, so I'm going to give you constructive criticism to help you out.

The beginning if the first chapter seems like it should go in the summary. It's not a good idea to switch from third persion point of view to first in the same chapter. It confuses the reader.

Your sentences are far too long. The first paragraph needs to have shorter sentences, I was always going back and reading them again because I got lost. A lot of your sentences look like they need a semicolon instead of a comma, so I would recommend doing some research on how to use the two. It's tricky, trust me, so don't feel bad.

As others said, space out your dialouge. It's difficult to read and remember who's saying what when they're not spaced out.

Please, please, please avoid a Mary Sue character. I try to treat my characters as real people, and I always remember that real people have flaws and insecurities. It makes the story more relatable and more enjoyable to read.

This is your first story, so don't feel frustrated. As you mature and learn more about reading and writing, you'll improve, but you have to work at it. Reading helps expand your vocabulary and it exposes you to different types of writing styles. Keep writing, and as you go along you'll get better. Trust me, when I went back and read my first story I was embarrassed with myself, it was so bad. If you have any questions or need help, I'm more than happy to help you out.

Good luck!

Let me just start off with the layout. I really don't like it at all. It's sort of like colors clashing and it hurts my eyes a lot so it was difficult for me to read this. I basically skimmed through this a lot mainly because I'm not a fan of ATL nor am I a fan of the writing. It may seem harsh but I feel like you can space out a lot of the dialogue, go back and fix grammatical errors and can add in so much more detail. It has potential.

Let me just start off with the layout. I really don't like it at all. It's sort of like colors clashing and it hurts my eyes a lot so it was difficult for me to read this. I basically skimmed through this a lot mainly because I'm not a fan of ATL nor am I a fan of the writing. It may seem harsh but I feel like you can space out a lot of the dialogue, go back and fix grammatical errors and can add in so much more detail. It has potential.

I enjoyed reading your story, it's good and I think the plot of story is alright, there was some grammatical errors and spelling mistakes which made me feel a bit let down, but that's just because I'm obsessed with spelling and grammar. I can't wait for the next chapter and hoped this comment helped and I'll try to continuously catch up on Chapters :) Good luck on writing

The story seems interesting, and it looks like it'll be a good story. There were some grammatical errors, such as "Your no fun," it's supposed to be you're no fun. Also, the layout is a little hard to read and the story could use more spacing to make it easier to read. And maybe use some more imagery in order to let the reader imagine the coffee shop. Other than that, it has the potential to be a really good story and I loved the introduction in the first chapter. :)

I like your story but I feel as though it needs some improving.

Beginning with staying in the correct tense: "We only had seven or so customers today. It was 2:00 already, I only have one hour until I get off work, then 30 minutes after that I had to get to my second job."

Notice that it says 'have' in one part and then jumps to 'had'? It doesn't make sense because the ‘had’ should be a ‘have’. Also this portion contradicts with the rest of the story. How is it possible for Zack to come in an hour before she gets off and waste enough time to have her running late with the small talk they made? Not to mention the conversation seems a bit unlikely as well.

Next I feel as though your fairytales paragraph and your description of the story are both awkward. They should be written in a way where it doesn't feel like we're talking about a whole other story, they should just blend in. It's my opinion that you should just take the description out altogether and replace it with the mini paragraph about fairytales.

Another thing that could help improve the story is to add more description and maybe lessen Hayden's 'perfectness'. By adding more description I mean tell us what the cafe looks like, smells like, sounds like. Describe the town they live in - big or small? Mention what Zack looks like or something else along those lines. These things just help people get into the story.

I mentioned that Hayden needs to lessen her 'perfectness' because you have her playing three to four instruments along with having graduated when most teens are going into their sophomore year. These types of things tend to make the reader feel as though you're creating what we call a 'Mary-Sue'. Mary-Sues are perfect characters who are beautiful, extremely smart and talented, and have seemingly no major flaws. I also noticed that you're leaning into making Hayden a cliché scene kid. There is nothing wrong with this but I'd just like to point out that most stories revolve around scene kids today and you may not want to fall into that generalization.

Lastly I'm going to bring up the overall appearance of your story. I'm glad you're well aware of paragraphs (sometimes you find stories that are just giant walls of text) but you should always double space them (hit enter twice) because we're reading off a computer screen and the words seem to move or play tricks on us. Having double spaces just help the reader focus. Another thing is the layout you've selected.

A basic rule of thumb when choosing or making layouts is to never have something harsh. Again we're on a computer and you may be reading for hours so having a simple layout is a must. (This means never white on black.) I'd suggest choosing a layout where the background is always lighter than the text. I realize you're new (which is why I'm writing so much to help you out) and that you probably don't know how to create a layout yet so I'm not going to criticize layout’s creativity.

These and punctual errors are the only thing really wrong though. I love the idea of the story. It's funny almost that you chose her to be working in a coffee shop because that's the default place I always have my characters work!

I don't mean to come off as rude, I'm just trying to give you some constructive criticism before the real assholes of the site do. :) Hope this helps you and welcome to Mibba! If you ever need anything I'm always here to help.

~Nikki

This seems like it can be really interesting! Can't wait for more:)