Blight - Comments

The first paragraph is interesting and engaging.

Can you describe the sounds of the boots on the hard forest floor? Is it a crunching sound? Rustling?

As the narrator is navigating the forest in escape, maybe there is clawing of their clothes, or cold wet leaves scraping against bare flesh.

Instead of saying you could feel your stomach crying out for food, perhaps give a sensation with it. Same with the exhaustion. Can you show the feelings/sensations instead of telling them?

What is the smell of pine like? Does it burn the narrator’s nose? Is it comforting in some way or a reminder of something bad.

“The icy cold hit the cuts on my legs, making me quiver at the sharp stings.” Yes, this is what I want more of! :)

So far, I like the information you are giving me. I like that they are sprinkled over action. I know the narrator is hungry, she has a hungry family, she has cuts on her legs, is good in close combat. This is great! :)

“The area was just endless forest.” Drop “just”

“My legs became scratched as the thorny bushes dug into my shins.” Consider changing to, “Thorns dug into my shins, tearing through my skin and spilling warm, fresh blood.”

“blinked hard” Wouldn’t it be more like “squinted tightly a moment?” A blink seems to quick, but maybe I’m over thinking it.

Heavy water flow? Flow sounds more delicate, why not a rush? The sound of rushing water meant I was close… Dashed? Maybe scrambled. Dash sounds spritelier, scrambled more desperate.

Cool water? Wouldn’t it be freezing/frigid/icy after running in the summer-fall air? I mean the narrator would be hot and the water would be cold from being moving and cooling in the cold of night. I would imagine it would bite through the narrators skin, bone deep.

Fish back in the pond, Love it! :)

Instead of hearing the pounding of the waterfall, maybe feel it? Like the beating of a heart or drum.

I love the description of being in the sanctuary of the water.

Bones shivered <-- Nice!

Oh, make the generous oxygen feel/taste warm! The water had to be so cold and the warm air must be lovely in the lungs.

“I gasped, taking in generous amounts of warm, delicious air.” Just a thought.

I’m being nitpicky and trying to help you improve, but it’s really great so far!

Maybe instead of saying “six feet in diameter” say as “As wide as I am tall” or “Barely wider than my height.” Six feet in diameter feels too specific and scientific to me.

“Small pebbles clattered as I absentmindedly kicked them.” <-- Nice!

Maybe you could combine the sentences, “Small pebbles clattered as I absentmindedly kicked them on the uneven floor.”

Wait… If it’s pitch black, how can the narrator see their clothing?

Wild mountain lion the narrator attempted to take down? If their still alive, it seems they succeeded.

I’m thinking maybe there has to be some light at this point to examine the bloody leg.

The descriptions of eating the walnut are great.

Something was up? Maybe something was wrong. “Was up” sounds slangy to me.

Fear tugged at me. At the heart? The stomach? Where is the fear tugging?

“when we went out hunting” how about “When we hunted”

You need a comma here, “He knew that if I didn’t return by supper, I needed him.”

“What time was it anyway?” Drop “anyway”

I love how you are setting up the story and that you’re now telling the readers what happened. This is great, I haven’t felt bogged down or bored for a second. I get bored very easily and I love your writing style.

Instead of the old, worn “cat and mouse chase,” can you think of an analogy from your own universe that would have the same emphasis? I don’t know much of your world yet, but perhaps you could utilize something with the catchers/chasers and how the narrator is the victim without using something that we’ve all heard before. Just a thought.

Do shoes on stones clank? Are the shoes metal? I would think it would be more of a thud unless the shoes are made of something very dense.

“My eyes quickly flew open.” Flew is already fast, drop quickly.

“concealing myself with some falling rock.” drop, “some.”

“It’s footfalls echoed, bouncing off the cave walls.” First, it’s “its” not “it’s” “it’s” is the contraction for “it is” and “its” is the possessive of “it.” Its footfalls are already bouncing off the walls if they’re echoing. This is redundant. Try, “Its foot falls echoed off the cave walls.”

Instead of “I think it was listing” say “It seemed to be listening” Anything the narrator “says” we know they are thinking.

I like how you faked me out with the shadowed figure. At first, I though it was Micah, but when it started to leave, I thought maybe it really was something dangerous. Nice! :)

Azalea is my niece’s name! Aw! :)

Don’t give the person a gender. Say “The person stretched their arm out…” or even “It stretched out its arm” The narrator called it “it” before after all. The narrator and audience doesn’t know it’s a “Micah” for sure yet. Micah stretches out before the familiar beating patterns.

Where is the sense of immediate relief the narrator should feel?

Oh, I love Micah’s description! *drools*

Maybe some heat is felt from the hug? Maybe a twinge in the heart? Or are they really just friends?

I’m really loving the world you’ve created. Micah’s some kind of magic something with his “human furnessness.”

Aah! I love that you waited until now to tell me the magic everyone has! This is exciting!

At this point I’m wondering their ages. They’ve known each other since grade school. Are they still teens? Early twenties? What?

“avoiding my water hole.” You’re already hinting that water and him don’t mix. It seems weird and awkward for the narrator to say it out loud to him. She wouldn’t forget unless this is a joke between them I’m not getting.

After he avoids the water hole the narrator could still “say” the line “Belanors and water don’t mix.” As though she’s acknowledging the audience seeing him avoiding it… I hope that makes sense.

Maybe the cool autumn breeze could whip around Micah’s sexy curls tauntingly. *drools*

Twinkle in his eye or twinkles in his eyes. You can’t have one twinkle in two eyes! :)

Aw, so romantic that he’s carrying her!

Maybe she could give him a too-long hug or maybe a comment about not wanting to let go? ;)

I’m loving the description of her house! Especially the string and clicking sound! :)

Drop “of my lips.”

“A small cut on my bottom lip stuck out. Its brilliant red contrasted with the pale pink.” (We know it’s the lips, you just said lips in the previous sentence.”

When she “tests the sensitivity” maybe comment that the wound has a metallic taste? You know when you have a cut in or around your mouth how it tastes a certain way?

“Salt and pepper gray” drop “gray.” That’s what the salt and pepper means.

I love that her hair hangs “wildly” around her face!

Wow! I think this is a fabulous first chapter. I felt engaged and interested the entire time. I know I had a lot of suggestions, but they were just tiny little things. You’re big picture feel and vibe is on point! There wasn’t a second where I was confused or bored. I said it early, I bore easily.

I loved the flow and the way you waited until certain points to drop information. I felt it was superb! You had plenty of great descriptions, but you could always enhance some spots! :)

I hope you are willing to read my first chapter and maybe if you’re interested too, we can subscribe to each other. :)

Also, the pronunciation guide is SUPER helpful, thank you for including it. Always a good idea when you make new proper nouns for your story.

Also, the pronunciation guide is SUPER helpful, thank you for including it. Always a good idea when you make new proper nouns for your story.

in paragraph 4, I think the transition from peril to calm is a bit too quick. You say Azalea FEELS "like a fish put SAFELY back into its pond", which, while being nice sounding prose, breaks the tension a lot. I think it might be best to re-word this with in a way that doesn't remove the danger so much, especially since you reintroduce it (the danger of the chasers) in the following paragraphs.

In the 6th paragraph, the line "I glanced down at myself, mortified at its state." seems like azalea is referring to herself as "it".

In "parapraph" 21 where you explain the power types, I think its concise, and well written, but still a bit clunky. I know exposition is rough, but I think its better to have some faith in your audience, and space it out. Maybe just mention that he's a belaonar, and leave it at that for now. That's my opinion, anyway.

Overall, this is good! The detail is very nice, and makes the story more interesting. The premise, as I understand it is, I also really cool. The writing flows pretty well, though I think it could be improved by combining some of the sentences. The dialogue is done well. Lana/Azalea is characterized pretty well through her actions. I think you could make her love for Micah more believable is you eased up on the direct explanations. You can take that a bit slower, and let the reader understand her feelings for him by her actions. Clearly they are very comfortable with each other physically, and the plot of the chapter demonstrates that they care for each other. I think the line "How did I not notice this before?" in relation to Micah's injury's is the best example of showing her feelings, as opposed to telling them.
This works well as an intriguing first chapter, and I'm interested to see what happens next! :)

I don't see how it's Hunger Games at all, but that's just my opinion. If I had to compare it to anything the only thing I can even think of is Avatar: The Last Airbender. That show was kick ass so it's a compliment haha. Also not related to your story is that your layout is beautiful, I love the color scheme as well as the flowers. The blue really pops better than if it were black.

Anyway, to the actual story haha.

I really enjoy your writing style, you put a lot of detail into your work and it shows. You use limited dialogue which is a fresh new stand on stories, I have a habit of too much dialogue and need to get away from that. Your first chapter is so long, I can't believe it, good for you to be able to pump out such an amazing chapter and keeping it interesting. I enjoy the sci-fi feel of it, I knew with just the summary that it was going to be like something I've never read before. It's a good thing, different is always good. There are so many stories that are the same regurgitated story with just different names. This is a nice change from the norm. Good job and keep writing. A great start to publishing on this site.

Alright, I must say, this is a very interesting story. I am amazed at the amount of detail and way you portrait the characters. It makes my want to read so much more about it. I really hope that you don't finish this in the near future so I would have to stop reading when it does finish. It's a spectacular story with a great plot and even better characters, which is so important that I can't stress it enough. You do an amazing job, and can entertain a bored fifteen year old any day such as myself. I'll learn from this to improve my own stories. Thank you.

Comment Swap brought me here so I have some things to say. First, it took me forever to read my reading skills are terrible. Oh well. >.< So, I have to tell you that I LOVE this! :D I think your story is far from the Hunger Games. It's really cool how I can feel like I'm with them in a way, you know? I subscribed and I'm ready to read more!! It's a fun and interesting read and I cannot wait to see what you have in store for this! P.S The layout is beautiful! :D I'm gonna stick around and comment on this more so if you read comments of me blabbering, it's me! :D

You're story is very intriguing. You have a few grammatical/tense errors here and there, but not enough to be distracting. It's an interesting plot and I'm definitely subscribing. I like the way you describe things. You aren't mundane about it and you make it all sound very real. Keep up the good work and I'll be reading more! :)

I know you hate these comments but The Hunger Games did strike me also - like what most other people are saying though it's not exactly like it to the point where it could be considered plagiarism. I think your story is very well constructed, very well written, and your characters are great - I particularly like the characters' names, very original. Comment swap brought me here but I think I may stick around for more chapters. Keep writing!

I really, really like this. Usually I only use this site for fluffy fan fiction and usually ignore the original stuff but I'm so glad that I decided to read this. I like your originality and the way that you portray Azalea. I can't wait for an update! :-)

First, I'd like to say that I LOVE the layout. :3 The picture of the girl is spectacular. Second, The imagery you use once she gets in the cave is awesome. I can really see it in my mind. I'm really curious to see what's going to happen and I really want to figure out more about the Chasers, Catcher, how Lana has 'thorns' in her hands, etc. And also to figure out the structure of her world. I liek how you paint the picture, and honestly, I don't think it's too much like the Hunger Games, so far. I see how people could think so, but so far, I see a ton of differences. People just think that because it's sort of 'post-apocalyptic' with a terrible government, it's Hunger Games, but haven't they read 1984? V for Vendetta? Both came before Hunger Games. The idea of a dystopian government is not a new one, and the only way it's slightly like Hunger Games is because she has to sneak out and hunt for her family. Yeah. End of rant...

I love this story so far. It really draws me in, and I can't wait to read more! :3

Just reading the first paragraph of this story drew me in. It begins very intense which readers will like a lot more. The characters names are fantastic as well!
This is kinda sorta Hunger Gamesy, which I don't mind at all, but I like how you put your very own spin on it. I hope this continues because I see this story going places. You really have a true talent for writing. Keep it up! *Subs*

Can I just say I LOVE. The characters names, the picture, the layout! Ever-y-thing! I read about how people think this reminds them of The Hunger Games, and I only saw the movie but it doesn't to me. It kinda reminds me a sliver of the X-men Origins. But that's just cause I read stuff about them recently probably.I like your writing and it either distracted me from your errors or you didn't have any. I'm subbing because this is worth waiting to see it all!

This is probably one of the best and original stories I’ve read yet on Mibba. The entire concept of the plot is just marvelous. I love the idea of ‘special powers’ like controlling the elements. Your writing and descriptions are fantastic and it’s like I’m watching a movie. Well done, indeed.

Comment swap brought me here, and I am absolutely thrilled that it did! The entire story is absolutely captivating and I can imagine every little detail that you describe. The plot line is well thought out and well written! I have enjoyed reading it this far and will definitely subscribe! :)

This story is so interesting. The intro even grasp the reader to wanting to know more. You imagery is crisp and clean the description of it makes me feel as if i were there. I love how you added different names to the characters abilities. I can't wait to know what happens next!

Holy poop, it won't stop getting you off this list, like, seriously. I'm sorry, you know how I feel about this piece of writing and how it is epic. But seriously, comment swap hates me. Just know it's awesome and I hope that this is good enough. I will write, like, ten pages if it wants. Here you go then:

It is very Hunger Games, but not to the point where it's like a cover or swap of it. It's nicely written and I wouldn't mind reading it... Given I don't normally write hetero and certainly don't read it. But yes, it is perfectly written and you go girl. c:

Comment swap:

I love it. The plot line is great. Your descriptions are extaordinary. I can imagine it perfectly. I really like how you started off in the first chapter where she is just running, scared. It really made me curious. Keep writing!

I read the first chapter, it was good, but alas, not my type of genre. I'm more into slash fiction myself. But yes, the description you used was astounding and the idea is phenomenal. You should continue writing and I hope for the success of this book, and who knows? Maybe I'll drop by later to see how the progress is going. Thank you for writing this and it is a truly lovely story.

I read the first chapter, it was good, but alas, not my type of genre. I'm more into slash fiction myself. But yes, the description you used was astounding and the idea is phenomenal. You should continue writing and I hope for the success of this book, and who knows? Maybe I'll drop by later to see how the progress is going. Thank you for writing this and it is a truly lovely story.