I Wrote the Sky - Comments

Pretty solid story. There's just a lot of tiny punctuation errors. In paragraph: "Always Answer!!’, The comma is unnecessary. You also want to use "s when writing dialogue (Not 's). But all in all it's a good start.

First impression I have, based on the picture, is that April is the narrator’s girlfriend.
I would drop “Not that she ever did kill herself, I should probably say.” It makes the first paragraph much more interesting if we don’t know. I’m sure at the end we’ll find out. Keep us guessing! :)

“…sometime in the middle of June, but I forget when exactly.” Delete “but I forgot when exactly.” We already know you don’t know specifically because you say “sometime in the middle of June” making the rest of the sentence redundant.

I’m not an English expert, but “she had called” is past participle, and then you say “demanded” instead of “had demanded.” If I’m not mistaken, you should leave it in past tense and don’t use past participle. It seems awkward to me, but again, I’m no professional.

I would just say, “She called me that morning on the number she saved in my phone…” (I would drop both had’s.)

I like the information you are giving me about the narrator and the way you’re doing it.

“She practically sang down the phone…” Drop “practically.”

Again with the “had’s.” “I’d awoken…” how about just “I awoken…?”

I love her looking around for something not stinking! :) Love her fixation on her yellowing fingers and chipped paint. This is great. I feel like I’m getting to know her very quickly without an obnoxious info drop!

“…I felt almost content as I left the house. My dad smiled at me and hugged me before I left…”

Left is repetitive, try, “Despite all of this though, I felt almost content as I headed out the door. Dad smiled and stopped me with a hug, and I pretended not to notice how glazed his eyes were.”
When you mention his eyes being glazed my impression is he’s been drinking and is perhaps an alcoholic. Then you mention him being happy the narrator is going out. I think you should reword the glazed part.

“Dad smiled and stopped me with a hug, and I pretended not to see the joy flicker in his eyes” or “I pretended notice his misty eyes” or “I pretend not to notice the joy glazing his eyes.”

If he is in an alcoholic, be sure to mention the smell when the narrator hugs him. If not, add something within the sentence to ensure the glaze is from his happiness because normally a glaze means drug or alcohol use unless specified in my opinion. :)

“…even if it was with April.” Dad doesn’t approve of April? Is it because they’re lesbians or because she’s a bad influence? I’m curious! :)

I love the imagery of April spraying perfume on her bust so cute! Describe the smell of the perfume she uses! :)

“…she’d known me…” change to “she’s.” Also, drop “of my life at this point.” (It’s unnecessary information that slows down the flow.) “And she’s known me for twelve years.” Or you could say “for over a decade.”

“My own head…” drop “own.” We know the narrator’s head is her own.

Instead of stepping through the grass maybe on the grass? You mention it feeling strange under her feet and it crunching down under the weight. Seems these are sensations that happen from stepping on and not through something. Through would be like the grass is brushing your ankles, knees, ect.

You need a scene break between when she leaves and is now with April because you don’t mention her being outside or whatever so it feels like a scene change to me. I hope that makes sense but feel free to ask me more if it doesn’t.

The grass is crunching. Is it dead? Green grass doesn’t crunch. It would be squished under her weight, maybe squelch if it’s muddy. (unless the grass is in fact dead then mention it being golden here to be clear.)

I love the image of her bouncing bag. I really enjoy details like this and you provide so many! :)

“leant” can be past tense or past participle, but it feels so awkward to me. Why not “leaned?” Leant isn’t wrong, but it stuck out as odd to me.

“She smiled at me…” What kind of smile? Is she smirking? Is it a coy curling of her lips? Mischievous? Sympathetic? Is she silently asking for the cigs? Maybe describe more of her expression such as her eyebrows and mouth so the readers can understand what the smile means.

If it’s for the cigs, you could say, “she smiled at me, a silent request.”

If she’s being sympathetic or worried you could say, “She smiled at me, mouth tight and brows curling at the center.”

If she’s smiling because she’s naughty and brought wine when they’re underage, the smile could be, “Her lips curled like a feline as she fingered the neck of the wine bottle, eyes flashing to me.”

“…Carding a hand through her blonde hair.” <-- I’ve never heard carding, and I love it!

I love she knows her friend/girlfriend wants the cigs. So cute. What does the pouch look like? Is it one of those old-style ones with the change purse type opening top?

“It was a Saturday, but the field was deserted.” I hate “was” it’s a “to be” verb. Try using it as little as possible.

“It was Saturday, but the field remained deserted.” (drop “a”)

“Just a stretched out piece of green, long grass, and pretty weeds with no on enjoying them.” I love the vibe of this, but it is a sentence fragment. Consider changing to, “The green stretched out forever, with its long grass and pretty weeds, but no one to enjoy it.”

Watch the use of “just.” You use it a lot maybe consider deleting a few of them.
You do a lovely job of describing the scenery, but how about the sounds and the weather? Utilize ALL five senses, describe the taste of the cigarette and the wine, describe the scents of the smoke or flowers or her friend’s perfume or feeling the gentle breeze. Are birds singing? Is the breeze rustling the leaves? Give the readers more to feel like they’re there with the narrator.

Instead of “…but I was happy then” try “but I felt happy then.” (avoid was)

I like the imagery of coating everything with black!

“I was crosse-legged” consider changing to “I sat cross-legged”

“…on the cool, shaded grass.” (You need a comma) (And good job on adding one of the five senses.)

I love that her life feels like an indie film!

“I heard April’s lighter click several times before I turned around.” Consider changing to, “April’s lighter clicked several times before I turned around.” (We know the narrator hears it, drop unnecessary words.)

“One hand was wrapped around them…” consider changing to, “One hand wrapped around them as a windshield…” (Drop “was” and take out the comma and add “as” and change the “as” to “while” and drop “both.” “them” means two.

“One hand wrapped around them as a windshield while she sparked the lighter again and again, trying to light them at the same time.”

“She was eventually successful, and she leant forward and passed me mine.”
Consider changing to,
“When she succeeded, she leaned forward, passing one to me.” (leant is okay too; it just sounds weird to me, but it is correct.”

Good description of how she casually mentions suicide. :)

“Why?” I returned after a pause. What is the narrator feeling? Worried? Did her heart drop? Is she feeling sympathetic because she often thinks of suicide too? Or does she really feel equally as casual?

I like that her fingers are yellowing too; it seems they are both in a bad place.

I think “White Dress Pink Cheeks” should be hyphenated. “White-Dress-Pink-Cheeks”

I find myself realizing I have no idea how old these girls are. I’m assuming teens but older or younger teens?

“…kind of air she’d had when she lied to her parents the summer before about still being a virgin.”

This is a mouth full. Consider changing to, “…kind of air she had last summer when she lied to her parents about being a virgin.”

I love that she presses her tongue against the gap between her teeth. I love how you use action to describe features! :)

Okay, so they are just friends since James is asking her out to coffee. I don’t know why I thought they were girlfriends in the beginning.

The end of your first chapter has no cliff hanger. I feel like you wrapped it up too well. Consider rearranging it and ending the chapter with her mentioning suicide. You want to make us itch to read that next chapter.

This was a pleasant read and I hope you find my suggestions helpful. Feel free to completely disagree. Writing is subjective and there is no right or wrong, except with grammar law!

If you’d like to read my first chapter and comment as well maybe we could swap more. Although I feel there’s a good chance you may not like mine. I would say our tones are opposites! :) Which, of course, wouldn’t hurt my feelings. Not everyone likes everything after all. It would still be nice to get feedback from a differing perspective. I hope to hear from you.

I'm here through comment swap!

Let me just say, this is an amazing story. I'm actually going to reread it after posting my initial thoughts because I liked it that much. I read a few of the other comments because I'm trying to not be super repetitive so that I can help you to the best of my ability, but really all I had an issue with was the alignment of the text. Ultimately, I am in love with your writing style, and this is something I could easily see on a shelf at Barnes and Noble. Great job!

I have to say your writing style for this particular story is what really drives this all home. It's a very unique take to really set the narrative solely in the main character's thoughts vs what they actually see/do for the most part and I think it's very fitting considering the over all theme and mood. Honestly, it really reminds me of a lot of YA literature I read growing up and it's very nostalgic in that sense. The opening lines of each chapter are really solid as well, drawing you in from the get go. April reminds me of quite a few friends I've had growing up which I'll admit isn't the best of platonic relationships but it's definitely a growing point of adolescence. My only critique would be the layout set up seeing as it is very difficult to read. Other than that though I did really enjoy this piece.

I found this story through comment swap. OMG, I love this story. Firstly, I love the minimalistic layout, it fits that story well. The first chapter got me hooked, I love how you portray Jan and April. They seem so relatable, and realistic. Awesome job, I'm hooked. :)

I found this story through comment swap. OMG, I love this story. Firstly, I love the minimalistic layout, it fits that story well. The first chapter got me hooked, I love how you portray Jan and April. They seem so relatable, and realistic. Awesome job, I'm hooked. :)

Comment swap! I wouldn't have read this story otherwise, but I'm so glad I did.

Some of the writing seemed a bit choppy... but that helped the mood of the story as much as it hurt the flow, I think. Still, this is a level of writing I feel I could only dream about. The feel of everything made it seem like a weird little fairy tale to me despite how real it is. I loved every second. And I love Jan's voice. The way she talks to you, the reader, is something I enjoy in any story. It's not overbearing and it feels personal.

Also, chapter 3 made me cry real tears.

Comment swap -

Uhm, so wow. This is awesome. My only complaint is the way the words are aligned, makes it a little difficult to read.
Other than that, I really like April's character. The summary hooked me in with such intensity it left me wanting more. I plan on subscribing to this and finish reading what's left. You've done such a wonderful job with imagery and personification. I'm so impressed by your work.

Comment Swap!
I have read through a couple of the comments and saw that other people had the same problem as I did. The story, which is very good, is also hard to read because it is aligned weirdly. I would suggest that it go to the center. I on the other hand was not able to read the ends of the sentences so I don't know if my screen size is to wide or if it's the way the story is positioned. On a lighter note, I really enjoyed your story and I hope you have great success with the chapter to come!

Comment Swap!

So to start with, I did think that the story was a little bit hard to read because of the fact that it was off to the side, I was able to get access to the ends of the sentences, but in the future, perhaps a center alignment would work a little better.

“The first time April told me she’d been thinking of suicide was one of the best days I’d had in a long time. Not that she ever did kill herself, I should probably say. The sun shone down across us as we kicked aimlessly through a large, overgrown field. It was a Saturday, sometime in the middle of June, but I forget when exactly.” When I read this, I was instantly hooked on the story. I thought that this introduction had such power and such intensity. I thought that it was kind of interesting how it was the best day, but not because of the thought of suicide. I thought that this was really well done.

“ Red nail-polish, chipping off at the tips, showing the greasy yellowed ends that I’d picked up from three days of solid chain-smoking.” This line showed a brilliant use of imagery. This line was extremely well structured and really punched me with a great image, and I loved it, so really nice job there.

“She ripped through the ankle length grass way too quickly for us to have a conversation, walking with a determination that made her purple bag bounce up and off her leg, hitching up from her shoulder.” This line honestly made me be like wow. I thought that your usage of words here, your diction, was simply perfection. When I see or hear words like determination, it has this strong presence. You chose words that really pushed your story over the edge, and that made me enjoy it even more.

“The nonchalance dripped from her words[...]” I really thought that the fact that you personified an adjective was a really great and just made the chapter all the more wonderful. I really enjoyed that you used the word dripped because it added so much emphasis on the nonchalance.

You’re an amazing writer and that pretty much sums up how I feel about you. Your use of diction is amazing and I am in awe of your writing. I think that you have such a wonderful style and flow and I was really hooked throughout. You create marvelous images and imagery in a story is super, super important, and you have managed to master that aspect. You really have a wonderful talent and ability for writing and I admire it very, very much. You are fabulous.

-Comment swap-

This is formatted off to one side, which makes it kind of hard to read. Still, this could be my laptop but if you could fix it that would be great. I like the lyrical feel that the narrative has, first person has always been a favourite of mine and I think you're really good at it. I like how you describe the scenes and how you use dialuge to make the characters come alive. I like the way it's compelling and descriptive while still being interesting and keeping me on my toes. :)

I had to shrink my screen to read this! It could be that we have different sized computer screens!

anyway, I' IN LOVE with your layout. The girl with the dark hair reminds me of my mum The opening line to this was only AMAZING and was very compelling. It draws you in and makes you go 'what? the best?' it's a good way to start a story.

also you have a good use of vocabulary! your writing makes me want to keep reading and it also elates me; i feel empowered reading this story.

D: I can't read the story! Your layout seems to hide the story text behind the comment box!

I'm only on chapter four, but I felt like I should comment anyway, for your Kinder :-)
First, I love your style of writing. It's more poetic than what's 'popular' as of late, and yet it's not weighed down with description. The pace of the story (to me) seems slow and hazy and I absolutely adore it. I also love how, as I read, I feel like I'm really going along with how Jan thinks. Like, how it isn't completely chronological, with the 'flashback' chapter detailing on how Jan's mum left. I feel like there is just heaps of emotion conveyed throughout your chapters so far, and I love how Jan seems so very sane and down-to-earth, and yet she has these problems which affect her life.

I really do adore Jan. She's such a great narrator and the way she talks (or, the way you write) is so smooth, I feel as if, were you to go back and edit things, it would be difficult because a flow would be broken. She has such a great voice. This is such a wonderful story; I've subscribed and also given you your requested strawberry nerds (though if you hadn't asked for it, you would have received it anyway!).

This story is amazing. I can't even describe how much I love it. The plot is so original, and I think you have so much passion in your writing. The set-up of the imagery is unique, but inspiring, and while this was so different to read, it pricked at my heart and I haven't read anything like this before. Great job!!

I love the way this story is written ... when I was reading it I felt like I was reading a published book by a famous author it is amazing :)

I love this story, but I'm not sure how I feel about it, if that makes sense ... I love the way it's written, and the story line behind it ... but I honestly feel bad for April now, and I still feel bad for Jan because of her mum leaving ... can I have an update soon please? :)

This first chapter is so well written! It "talks" to us rather than tells us. The descriptions are perfect. I love how easy their relationship is and it's just so simple. Even the mention of suicide just seems like a brief, passing remark. Absolutely fantastic start. I've subscribed and recommended this very promising story

Okay first off, I adore the narrator. I've only read the first chapter, but I love how she's so consistent in the way she speaks. Second, I love how it's like she's talking to the reader, which is really interesting.

I liked your descriptions, and how you left lots of things to the imagination but described things that seemed important to the character. Like how you didn't go in-depth about her mother, because the character seemed like she wouldn't have talked about it.

I loved the ending of the first chapter, as well. It was such a light way to end it, even thought there was a bit of a depressive air hanging over the chapter, if you know what I mean.

Definitely going to read the rest of this, amazing job (:

Chapter Five: Interesting chapter. Though the story is in Jan's point of view, it truly is more about APril than herself and I like that. It's as if she;s telling a fond story. Anyway, I'm starting to understand April a bit better with each chapter, and though shaving her head is drastic, I can see her thought process on the whole thing. And I'm so happy that Jan is deciding to eat some toast. It isn't addressed directly, it was so subtle that it took awhile for me to figure out that she has an eating problem.

All in all this story is quite wonderful and I can't wait to start my review of it tomorrow because honestly, you deserve the recognition. I notice this hasn't been updated in awhile, so please consider an update?

I really enjoyed this, thanks for a wonderful read.