I Wrote the Sky - Comments

-Comment swap-

This is formatted off to one side, which makes it kind of hard to read. Still, this could be my laptop but if you could fix it that would be great. I like the lyrical feel that the narrative has, first person has always been a favourite of mine and I think you're really good at it. I like how you describe the scenes and how you use dialuge to make the characters come alive. I like the way it's compelling and descriptive while still being interesting and keeping me on my toes. :)

I had to shrink my screen to read this! It could be that we have different sized computer screens!

anyway, I' IN LOVE with your layout. The girl with the dark hair reminds me of my mum The opening line to this was only AMAZING and was very compelling. It draws you in and makes you go 'what? the best?' it's a good way to start a story.

also you have a good use of vocabulary! your writing makes me want to keep reading and it also elates me; i feel empowered reading this story.

D: I can't read the story! Your layout seems to hide the story text behind the comment box!

I'm only on chapter four, but I felt like I should comment anyway, for your Kinder :-)
First, I love your style of writing. It's more poetic than what's 'popular' as of late, and yet it's not weighed down with description. The pace of the story (to me) seems slow and hazy and I absolutely adore it. I also love how, as I read, I feel like I'm really going along with how Jan thinks. Like, how it isn't completely chronological, with the 'flashback' chapter detailing on how Jan's mum left. I feel like there is just heaps of emotion conveyed throughout your chapters so far, and I love how Jan seems so very sane and down-to-earth, and yet she has these problems which affect her life.

I really do adore Jan. She's such a great narrator and the way she talks (or, the way you write) is so smooth, I feel as if, were you to go back and edit things, it would be difficult because a flow would be broken. She has such a great voice. This is such a wonderful story; I've subscribed and also given you your requested strawberry nerds (though if you hadn't asked for it, you would have received it anyway!).

This story is amazing. I can't even describe how much I love it. The plot is so original, and I think you have so much passion in your writing. The set-up of the imagery is unique, but inspiring, and while this was so different to read, it pricked at my heart and I haven't read anything like this before. Great job!!

I love the way this story is written ... when I was reading it I felt like I was reading a published book by a famous author it is amazing :)

I love this story, but I'm not sure how I feel about it, if that makes sense ... I love the way it's written, and the story line behind it ... but I honestly feel bad for April now, and I still feel bad for Jan because of her mum leaving ... can I have an update soon please? :)

This first chapter is so well written! It "talks" to us rather than tells us. The descriptions are perfect. I love how easy their relationship is and it's just so simple. Even the mention of suicide just seems like a brief, passing remark. Absolutely fantastic start. I've subscribed and recommended this very promising story

Okay first off, I adore the narrator. I've only read the first chapter, but I love how she's so consistent in the way she speaks. Second, I love how it's like she's talking to the reader, which is really interesting.

I liked your descriptions, and how you left lots of things to the imagination but described things that seemed important to the character. Like how you didn't go in-depth about her mother, because the character seemed like she wouldn't have talked about it.

I loved the ending of the first chapter, as well. It was such a light way to end it, even thought there was a bit of a depressive air hanging over the chapter, if you know what I mean.

Definitely going to read the rest of this, amazing job (:

Chapter Five: Interesting chapter. Though the story is in Jan's point of view, it truly is more about APril than herself and I like that. It's as if she;s telling a fond story. Anyway, I'm starting to understand April a bit better with each chapter, and though shaving her head is drastic, I can see her thought process on the whole thing. And I'm so happy that Jan is deciding to eat some toast. It isn't addressed directly, it was so subtle that it took awhile for me to figure out that she has an eating problem.

All in all this story is quite wonderful and I can't wait to start my review of it tomorrow because honestly, you deserve the recognition. I notice this hasn't been updated in awhile, so please consider an update?

I really enjoyed this, thanks for a wonderful read.

Chapter Four: Four chapters so far and each one has been so great. This one really high-lights the way that April and Jan work together as friends and its definitely an interesting relationship. It seems as if April is a leader, but really, she's just hasty and the melancholy, level-headed Jan is stuck following behind her to try and stay in step- but neither mind. And I really liked Andy. He seemed cute and sweet but I'm glad they are nothing more than friends because even though he's nice, Jan needs someone who completely gets her.

That’s what most people say, but I think they’re lying to sound romantic. This kept my attention because I often believe the same thing, aha.

No errors, so onto the next!

Chapter Three: Another emotion packed chapter, and yet again, flawless writing. I loved reading this chapter simply because it is not the typical way I would imagine someone reacting to their mother reading. If my mother just up and left, I think I would cry for days and skip school. But some how, she held herself together and made it through the day. This chapter was also important because it signified what I imagine as a turning point in April and Jan's friendship.

My favorite line was: His body was slumped down in the doorway, but the rest of him was gone. This line is great because it displays how her dad took her mom leaving, how hollow and inside himself he is. It's really...emotional, this one line.

Great work.

Chapter Two: Another great chapter. Your paragraphs seem to flow effortlessly into the next and your description is just impeccable. Again, the realness to this story is what apeals most to me. Some find it so hard to get simple interactions down but you've written this as if it actually happened to you and you recall it with every detail.

Once again, you had that one line that really shone through the others that captured my interest: She was two shades that didn’t complement each other. This seems really deep and profound of Jan to be thinking, if I say so, because she knows every side of her friend and is probably talking about about both the good and the bad and everything else that clashes within April.

I'll be back to read the next chapter!

Okay, first off, I want to say that this is my second time reading the first two chapters, I think, but I want to refresh myself on them because I'm going to write a review of this story for the magazine. So, that's start with the basics:

Layout: simple, light, and yet effective. The summary was written nicely and makes me question what exactly what this story will be about and I'm excited to start writing.

Chapter One: What I love most about this story is the realism of both being a teenager, the real world, and the confusing days of being in a situation like hers. Great descriptions and interactions aid with visualization but I think what's great about this story is that you have those lines that hook a reader, make them think and smile a moment. Seriously, (as I mentioned in my last review of this story) my favorite line is: My life, for that moment, was the indie-film I’d always wanted it to be.

Lines like this, while subtle, actually hold a great deal more than they show. They show how she's feeling, and the type of person she is and wants to be all at once.

Great job.

Comment swap, here! First of all, your title is fantastic. It immediately got me interested in your story. Second, this story drew me in immediately. I love the voice of it and the first line really hooked me. I'm definitely recommending and subscribing!

Oh wow.
April is dramatic. Way dramatic.

This story is fascinating.
I'm in love with it already.

After reading the first three paragraphs, I had already fallen in love with this story. I love your writing style and the imagery it creates. There wasn’t a single moment where I wasn’t seeing it play out in my head. Keep up the good work, love. :)

Comment Swap!

Your first few lines could use some touching up, it didn’t quite intrigue me, but the second paragraph got me excite and I kept reading. You lack some descriptions in certain areas, just remember that you have to trap us in your story and stop us from wondering off. There are also spots that seem to skip as if it was a scratched disk. Read this out to yourself aloud and see if you can notice what I have. Using a lot more similes will add to your characters profile, mention key items like clothing, shoe laces that need tying, the way their hair is done or if their rooms are clean. Slowly build a character one brick at a time and you’ll keep the reads following you. The tone you are using is very well done and suits your story but I would match the tone every chapter depending on the main character’s behaviour. This will make the reader assume how this character feels in the room, towards someone, or the idea of a certain thought, giving us the insight we need to become emotionally attached towards them.

Thanks for the read and I hope you keep writing because this has potential.

Comment swap brought me here. This story is both beautiful and told in a unique way. I think your characters are connectable, and well written. Great job on the detailing, and I didn’t spot any mistakes spelling or grammar. Wonderful writing, keep it up!