Playing with Fire - Comments

  • AshyMandy

    AshyMandy (150)

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    Comment swap bought me here. I did read the whole story. The first thing i noticed was the layout i love the colors and the picture.

    I love your author's voice, i love the little lines of humor that you throw in like 'well duh, one did not run from the police for the fun of it'

    I liked the faced pace of the first chapter sure it was confusing but it made enough sense that i believed everything would be explained.

    Chapter two Answered the questions i had from 1. I can't really fault anything, though i would like description of characters and people in the story...but a face to the names.

    Supscribed
    May 30th, 2013 at 05:42am
  • Strawberry Red

    Strawberry Red (100)

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    gah! Update soon! XD I love this! XD
    March 13th, 2013 at 07:21pm
  • StillHearts

    StillHearts (100)

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    I'll start this comment out by saying that I've never once read a slash, nor can I really define what it is, so I ma be completely off base here. Please don't crucify me :L

    Your style of writing is tres magnifique! You use just enough detail and just the right style of dialogue to knock this out of the park. As for the story line, I can't wait for it all to come together because it's just so alluring. I'll also say that, on a sidenote, I love how the title of the story and the layout work together. Do what you do.
    December 8th, 2012 at 03:51pm
  • paracosm.

    paracosm. (110)

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    Hiya, I am brought to you by comment swap! *trumpets*

    I'm not really a fan of slash, but I liked this a lot. The layout is really awesome in my eyes, I wish my layouts would turn out like that *face of envy* and the colours used really fit in with the title: "Playing with fire", as of course you use orange and red and generally most colours that relate to fire. c:

    Chapter One:

    “Stop, you are resisting arrest!”

    Well duh. One did not run from the police for the fun of it.


    This made me laugh a lot, I actually really like his character, it's quite sarcastic and I have a soft spot for sarcastic characters so there you go :D Generally the whole chapter was good, I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes of any sorts, it was basically impeccable in that sense. The only critisicsm I have would be this:

    Tree

    Tree

    Tree

    Bush.

    Tree

    Tree…


    This is just my personal opinion, but I don't like it all that much when the character in the story literally states what he sees. I find it kind of repetitive - but I'm sure others will feel differently, it's just a matter of personal preference. I just like it when they word it in a way that's more descriptive.

    Chapter Two:

    Where he lived, where he frequented, where he ate, who his friends were, even his last sexual encounter were all typed in neat black letters on this piece of paper.

    He’d never felt so violated in his life and he felt absolutely sick at the thought of anyone reading anything on that sheet.

    “How did you get this?” Aiden whispered and instead of handing the paper back to the headmaster, he folded it up into a small square and stuffed it into the pocket of his jeans, not wanting anyone else to read the details of his private life.


    You're very good at writing emotional pieces, as far as I can tell; you manage to write Aiden's embarrassment and violation very vividly, so vividly in fact that the reader feels pity for him and experiences the emotions like it is their own. In my opinion, It's really hard to achieve that level of emotional writing, and you're a very talented writer for being able to do so.

    Apparently the man didn’t know all the secrets of the universe after all. The thought made Aiden smile even as Reynolds began frantically shuffling through the messy papers on his desk, tossing them this way and that until he finally found the one he wanted.

    I like this little excerpt as well; I'm not sure why, I think the snide little comment (which was pretty funny) and the general detail of the description made it stand out to me.

    Overall, this was a very enjoyable read and I'm very happy that I was sent here. Good luck with the rest of the story! Arms
    October 28th, 2012 at 04:53pm
  • Emma_Joe_Ford

    Emma_Joe_Ford (100)

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    There are a few run on sentences you should take care of. For instance, "Aiden grunted as someone flew at him the moment his feet touched the ground, a vampire, he realized as he looked up at the pale faced man that was currently pressing him into the hard concrete."

    If I were to change it, I'd suggest this: "Aiden grunted as someone [tackled] him the moment his feet touched the ground[;] a vampire, he realized as he looked up at the pale faced man, [who] was currently pressing him into the concrete."

    Like I tell a lot of other people, try reading out loud. This way, anything that seems unnatural to say, you can find easily and change.

    All in all, I didn't see anything substantially wrong in respect of spelling or grammar. (Besides for run on sentences, obviously.) So, keep up the good work!

    --Joe
    August 15th, 2012 at 08:04pm
  • Zoeleigh

    Zoeleigh (100)

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    This story drew me in, i just want to read more!!!! I love it. I've never ever read anything like it!!!!! The story line is amazing. Your spelling and grammar is good and the layout really fits with the story. Im definitely subscribing to this. I reaaallly love it. Keep writing, cause if you don't, i will be verrryyy sad x3
    August 15th, 2012 at 03:54am
  • Zoeleigh

    Zoeleigh (100)

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    This story drew me in, i just want to read more!!!! I love it. I've never ever read anything like it!!!!! The story line is amazing. Your spelling and grammar is good and the layout really fits with the story. Im definitely subscribing to this. I reaaallly love it. Keep writing, cause if you don't, i will be verrryyy sad x3
    August 15th, 2012 at 03:52am
  • Breezers

    Breezers (100)

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    Hm, I've gotta say this story is interesting. I've never read a fantasy boarding fic before and I'm really happy you're the first. But I do agree with Adulation though. Adding in descriptions can really give the reader something to imagine and also suck them into the world you're creating. In saying that, your writing flow is a little fast. I felt like I was reading this in super sonic speed. Don't be afraid to add in a comma or full stop (just make sure it's the correct spot) and you should be absolutely fine.
    Keep up the great work!
    One Love,
    Keeta.
    June 12th, 2012 at 05:36am
  • delirium.

    delirium. (1200)

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    I love how the layout actually reminds me of the sun or fire, that was my first thought actually. Also, it was pretty neat how I was immediately thrown into action. Hmm, if they didn't tell him why he was being arrested what prompted him to being chased? <- Ignore me thinking out loud. The story seems really fast paced, might want to draw some things out, even if it seems slow some people love to have tension build up. I haven't really read many boarding school fics, or slashes for that matter.
    I didn't see much wrong other than it was fast paced. Hmm, wish I could be a bit more helpful, but keep up the good work it seems interesting where it's going. :)
    June 12th, 2012 at 05:33am
  • thrillionaire.

    thrillionaire. (100)

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    I like the colors on the layout
    but I don't like the picture.
    Its..immature compared to the other layouts I've seen.
    and some people judge on layouts
    I'm sometimes one of those people.
    if you're layout is immature, I'll assume your writing is
    which I'm not going to say it was, but it was definitely lacking character. there was no dynamics to the way you wrote and I found it very quick, rushed, and confusing. I ended up skimming past half of it because none of it interested me. it was just..a lot of ramble that I couldn't bother reading. however, if you add adjectives, adverbs, pronouns, things like that and tell us what the characters thinking. that makes us feel like we're actually a part of the story.
    I agree with you when you said you liked boarding school stories to be written correctly, and I can't say it's incorrect so far so keep up the writing.
    <3
    June 12th, 2012 at 04:48am
  • xXNYTaxiNo1Xx

    xXNYTaxiNo1Xx (100)

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    Love the story so far :) can't wait to see what you do wit it. hope you update soon XD
    May 29th, 2012 at 08:21pm