Echoes of Lost Boys and Cigarette Smoke - Comments

wow I love this, the description you give on the cigarette and the smoke. I have never heard someone describe things like that in such amazing detail.
at the end with the kiss I feel my own hormones floating up into the sky just like the smoke.

I also know how nice a nicotine high can feel.

(Comment swap)

So the last comment is from a while ago, and I'm thinking you probably aren't working on this story anymore, but just in case you are, here are my thoughts.

First of all, your writing style is just amazing. Please write a novel.

This story is utterly disturbing, of course, but I assume that's what you were going for, right? Creepy story doesn't equal bad writing. And creepy story doesn't equal bad story. This is excellent.

My only critique would be that past and present tense get mixed together sometimes; most of it is narrated in present tense, but then there are parts such as "I couldn't say when and I couldn't say how, but I wasn't a kid anymore," which is in past tense but should be present as well.

Like the others, I am here because of the comment swap. I have no idea how the hell I ever would have stumbled upon your story otherwise. And as disturbing as this piece was, I’m kind of glad that I did. I was definitely not expecting such a vulgar scene to occur, with sex and nicotine addiction, but I oddly enough really enjoyed reading it. I’m questioning my sanity. Thank you.

Wow, just wow.

Yeah, I'm from comment swap as well, and was going to read this on the morrow after a good night's sleep, but the first words I saw prevented me from shutting my laptop off. (and I have work tomorrow! shhh!) You seriously paint the scene in my mind. I see everything the way Noah sees it and that's simply amazing. You show your characters quickly, making Tristan out to be an immediate, well, jackass to me and Noah a lost boy. I came into this expecting some Peter Pan cliche (of which I am perfectly guilty of and I am not ashamed to admit) and got Noah and Tristan with their lust, addiction, and tedious life. Are you going to write more? I would really love to read more if so. I honestly wish I could bring scenes to life like this nowadays. Keep it up!

Here from Comment Swap.

I'm going to be completely honest here; usually when I get a story from Comment Swap, I skim over it-- not liking it--write a comment, then go on my way. However, with yours, I was instantly hooked and completely devoured it. Your opening paragraph is flawless and brings up a unique, intriguing idea. And your writing style otherwise is beautiful and descriptive without being overly so. I also really enjoyed the theme of lost childhood and the way you chose to portray that by having Noah make references to his five-year-old-self. It was really powerful, yet simple way to do that. Overall, you've got a really great story here. Keep doing what you do. x

Well, what can I say? Your story is really disturbing, but I mean it in a positive way. Don't get me wrong! The way you describe Noah's smoking addiction as metaphor for his lost life I think is superb. And I like your language too. It's refined and vivid. I'm not English-speaking, but I noticed that usually in the fictions they always write in the same writing style. Yours is pretty originale. So congrats! :)

Wow. All I have to say. This was actually really good, holy crap. The way you describe not just Noah's life, but life in general is amazing. Phenomenal. The descriptive words, scenes, personalities...woah. I'm glad this little one shot was chosen for comment swap! I don't think I would have ever found this work of art on my own, honestly. I'm definitely recommending. My first recommendation! I wish my pieces were as good as this!

I love this. Seriously, this is absolutely fantastic! Your descriptions are so hooking, and after reading just the first paragraph, it was impossible for me to tear my eyes away from this. I love the element of mystery you've added to this. This is a great piece, well done!

The way you describe Noah’s reality is phenomenal.
It’s like more of a drawing. It’s raw. I like it! Don’t know where this is going or where it’ll take us and that really makes a story all the better.
Both characters are mysterious. It’s like even though Noah is narrating, I still don’t can’t figure out what he’s thinking!!!

I was sent here via comment swap.

Firstly, your summary ruined my entire childhood, so thanks for that one (kidding!). However, I love the way that Noah narrates, it's so crude and harsh and...just everything really. He seems real, more three-dimensional thank I've seen a few characters written into stories. He has all of his regrets, which add to him as a character. The way you write is lovely to read. Everything is elaborate, but without being too crushed. It's simple, and I like it.

The only thing I noticed (ironically enough in the line I complained about earlier) is that you've put chocking instead of choking. Even then, it's a tiny thing that gets lost in how amazing this piece is.

Comment swapperino sent me here.
Alright, I find your writing style very fascinating, the attention to detail is amazing and it flows very easily. The way you write about obsessiv behavior is very realistic, rather than explain everything Doctor Spencer Reid style (sorry for the Criminal Minds reference, I couldn't resist) you actually show the reader the feelings behind it. Very well done :)

Right off the bat, this story is very interesting and pulls me in with the descriptions and details. I think it’d be awesome if you continued this – you could really do a lot with this, considering the characters you’ve already developed so well. The imagery and allusions to Winnie the Pooh, as well as Noah’s constant thoughts about what his younger self would think about him now were all nice touches. Great job :D

Interesting! This is probably the best thing I've read so far. It was so detailed and it just makes me crave for more lol. You must continue this! I wanna hear more from Noah and Tristan, they sound like a very interesting couple :)

I Enjoyed it. it was a new spin on the subject. however I am not a fan of obscenities. If i could I would avoid reading them and you did seem to over use them. Other than that, it was fantastic and seamlessly brilliant.
I liked the way you word a lot of your sentences.
brilliant job!

this story is probably the only story in such a long time that i've subscribed to after only reading the summary. then i read the chapter. omg omg omg please. I NEED MOOORRREEE i'm actually speechless and i'm on comment swap so i need to fill up two hundred characters.it's flawless. it's so wrong on so many levels, but so amazing.

this story is probably the only story in such a long time that i've subscribed to after only reading the summary. then i read the chapter. omg omg omg please. I NEED MOOORRREEE

Yeah I just gave my opinion on your piece. I like to write my comments as a story. Usually the story is from literature obsessed knights. Hyrule is the kingdom from legend of Zelda is it not? I was trying to link it to that.

I am really upset that I read your story.
First of all it was really sadand depressing as you planned so that worked but the other second thing is that it was rated wrong so it was disgusting. I don't like reading R rated work and this was put for 13 year olds when it shouldn't be. So please fix the rating and don't expect only compliments. Its comment swap not a praise button.

God, this is amazing. I love the bitterness Noah feels, how uncertain he is of his life. I like the references to his five-year-old self, it helps emphazise how unsure and how disenchanted he feels. And your narration is beautiful in an almost twisted way.

Needing it like oxygen, dying to get my hands on my eventual suicide. There's loads of lines that I loved from this, but the irony of that line really jumped out at me. All your descriptions of them smoking is wonderful.

The comment swap feature brought me to this story, and even though slash stories aren't really my thing, I have to say this is absolutely beautiful. it's fantastically written and I'm always a sucker for romances that are a little twisted. Amazing job with this.

Dear hyrule.,

You are a Kingdom we used to be familiar with. The King would send us in congratulations of your victories. Too soon after, we heard of the news. The treacherous filth that bogged down the once glorious Kingdom. The once clear innocent minds of the citizens. The once intelligent productive thoughts that fostered between their lids. The once brilliant light for many kingdoms to follow.

All that was left, all that is left is corruption. Dirty filthy smoke. Dirty smoking thoughts. Dirty hellish words.

The good disappears far before the sun set each day. The truth drowns in it's own unimportance as citizens follow you. The strong advice dies at the lips of the crumpled elders as their children leave them to die. No morals remain. No hope remains. Your story leaves disgusting despair.

I wish you the worst in your writing like this.

You had such potential and you strangled it. You could turn around and change so easily. Today even. I can't believe you want people to read this.

And yes, I do believe this is the most appropriate response to thoughts like this.

Truly,

A Knight of Comment Swap