March 4th, 2019 at 01:33am
(Comment swap)
So the last comment is from a while ago, and I'm thinking you probably aren't working on this story anymore, but just in case you are, here are my thoughts.
First of all, your writing style is just amazing. Please write a novel.
This story is utterly disturbing, of course, but I assume that's what you were going for, right? Creepy story doesn't equal bad writing. And creepy story doesn't equal bad story. This is excellent.
My only critique would be that past and present tense get mixed together sometimes; most of it is narrated in present tense, but then there are parts such as "I couldn't say when and I couldn't say how, but I wasn't a kid anymore," which is in past tense but should be present as well.
at the end with the kiss I feel my own hormones floating up into the sky just like the smoke.
I also know how nice a nicotine high can feel.