Echoes of Lost Boys and Cigarette Smoke - Comments

  • Velvet.Tears.

    Velvet.Tears. (100)

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    This is for 'comment swap', but I know for a fact that if I had found it on my own then I would have read and commented on it anyways. You have a spectacular writing style, and I have to say I am kind of jealous. The summary of this is what drew me in, I didn't even exactly know what was going to happen when I read it and that made me want to read more.

    Very detailed story, I loved it a lot.

    I applaud you. Clap
    June 7th, 2012 at 04:33am
  • Airi.

    Airi. (2240)

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    Can I just say how funny I find it that I got your story to read shortly after I read your blog about how to write good story comments. XD That’s a great coincidence if you ask me. Anyway, this is for the ‘comment’ swap. Cute

    I loved your summary, it can really draw someone into the story. It has sort of a mysterious aura about it. It can get someone interested in the story but also leaves them wondering what the story really entails. It’s an interesting summary for sure. Getting into the first chapter, your writing style is amazing. It’s beautiful, almost poetic in a way. That sounded weird, I don’t know how else to describe it though. XD You’ve got a really pretty writing style is what I’m trying to say. :3

    Your story was pretty flawless in terms of errors, but I did find a sentence that didn’t really make sense to me and made me take a double take at what I was reading. It was this one:
    “I’m not done my smoke yet.”
    I’m pretty sure there should be a ‘with’ in that sentence.

    Your story was really incredible, the whole chapter had an aura of mystery about it and that’s something that I really liked. Your story was a good read, I enjoyed it. Well done on the story. (:
    June 7th, 2012 at 04:15am
  • Aly Jones

    Aly Jones (205)

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    Your story is amazingly detailed, and really portrays what a few bad choices can do to our lives. It shows how easy it is for our lives to become totally screwed up. I especially like the discussion about Christopher Robin. That was hilarious, to me at least. Well done on the story. The realism of it is amazing, also.
    June 7th, 2012 at 02:35am
  • Broken Essence

    Broken Essence (100)

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    Well, this story was interesting. I usually don't read stuff like this because they're so sad and sometimes they just break my heart, but I really thought this was decent. I enjoyed how you started of.
    June 7th, 2012 at 02:10am
  • triangleman

    triangleman (100)

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    Wow...that's about all I have to say...your imagery is incredible. It just makes me sick and sad for this poor boy. This is by far the best story I have read on this comment swap. great job and don't stop writing because you have amazing talent!
    June 7th, 2012 at 01:38am
  • whiteasfuck

    whiteasfuck (100)

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    Oh, I also love the story line basically prostituting his body just for cigarettes. Which is very unique since most people use drugs or alcohol as the addiction. I also love how he wonders how his younger self would feel about the way he lives now. It's very relatable in a sense that everyone at one time or another has done something and wondered what their younger self would have thought about it.
    June 7th, 2012 at 01:29am
  • whiteasfuck

    whiteasfuck (100)

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    This is really amazing. Your grammar and spelling are perfect and I can just see your words playing out a movie in my mind. I love it (:
    June 7th, 2012 at 01:24am
  • indigo.

    indigo. (480)

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    Wow. I'm glad I was sent here for the swamp function.

    The imagery, my lord. The imagery is beautiful, wonderful, extra ordinary. Perfect grammar, diction, structure and as far as I can see, no spelling errors.

    A disturbingly beautiful read.
    June 6th, 2012 at 03:27am
  • catinabottle

    catinabottle (100)

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    AH! Sorry. Just remembered I did see names. Bleh.
    June 6th, 2012 at 02:46am
  • catinabottle

    catinabottle (100)

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    I LOVE your diction. The grammar is also a lot better than in most of the stories I see here on Mibba, which is a plus.
    However, I didn't see a name for either characters. Maybe I read too fast or something, but I feel like they could have used names. Of course, if this is a one shot, then it's not that important.
    Anyway. REALLY good.
    June 6th, 2012 at 02:45am
  • lumy.

    lumy. (100)

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    Whoa, I love it. I'm really glad Mibba's comment swap sent me here!
    There are, of course, a few minor grammatical errors, but other than that is is so very well written.
    The layout is so pretty. And it's not at all hard to read the words.
    You have to continue writing! I'm a random internet stranger you don't know, so what I say goes, right?
    Yeah..not really. Still, it's amazing and I hope you continue! <3
    June 6th, 2012 at 02:19am
  • Halo.

    Halo. (100)

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    Your first paragraph is absolutely perfect! It reeled me in immediately and it's so descriptive and unique!! And all I can say is wow. I feel like you really grasped how some people feel when they think they have let down their past selves. I am really impressed. You need to continue writing! You have a talent!! Please, continue. :)
    June 5th, 2012 at 10:32pm
  • call of the wild

    call of the wild (100)

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    I'm not one for dark, dreary stories just because I get really engrossed in what I read and it starts to effect my emotions, but this is so well written! I got sucked into the scene and felt what Noah felt. I also love your use of personification! Actually, I loved a lot of things about this story. The way you described the room, what his life has become, and how he always thinks about if kid him would be proud. Overall, great, great piece. I really enjoyed it!
    June 5th, 2012 at 04:18pm
  • Kovoumakesmetingle

    Kovoumakesmetingle (150)

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    I love this story. I like how there's good grammar (obviously because good grammar is important) also there's a lot of detail but there's not too much detail as to where the story doesn't flow right. Great job. I will be reccomending this.
    June 5th, 2012 at 01:43pm
  • thrillionaire.

    thrillionaire. (100)

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    haha these are my favorite kind of stories!
    dark, dreadful, questioning.
    dynamic, impactful, lustful.
    it was perfection.
    haha please do continue, Noah and Tristan are quite the interesting bunch.
    well worth an actual story!
    anyways, loved it and I hope you continue.
    June 5th, 2012 at 04:05am
  • been_waiting

    been_waiting (100)

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    I like how this was for a contest and the summary is priceless!
    And the first few lines are so beautifully written and captivating, I mean the descriptions are so genuine and perfect. The way you tied in the summary with the first chapter is so good!
    This story seems so promising and the way you ended it made it so much better!
    June 5th, 2012 at 03:43am
  • lalala247

    lalala247 (105)

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    I liked the ending. It kind of left us hanging there, a little bit, which is good. You concluded it, but made the readers maybe want more. So, this story was for a contest? Very nice.
    And interesting.
    P.S. I really like the layout and picture.
    June 5th, 2012 at 03:37am
  • Grace Dunne

    Grace Dunne (100)

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    First impressions: Oh! What a beautifully written first three lines! Wait a sec.... Oh. Oh my...

    I know that the summary was supposed to be shocking, but maybe it did its job a little too well?

    I like how you tie the summary in with the first chapter, with her talking about her five year old self. I'm not so keen on repeating the summary in the first chapter. It isn't necessary. We already read that. I'd either put it in one place or the other.

    I'm interested to see where this goes... It is very well written and the story line is promising. Best wishes!
    June 5th, 2012 at 03:24am
  • Smoothies

    Smoothies (100)

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    I fell in love with the summary.

    Your descriptions are so captivating. I love the line "I wonder if five year old me would be proud" because it's a genuine thought and I think people can relate to it - did you expect yourself to be this way when you were younger?

    I adore the way you portray his obsession. I hope you decide to come back to this.
    June 5th, 2012 at 03:00am
  • MistyMurder

    MistyMurder (100)

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    I was hooked before I even started reading the first chapter, and when I read that I was enchanted. Also, I could really connect with Noah's obsession to cigarettes. I hope you continue this story. Keep up the lovely writing!
    June 5th, 2012 at 02:54am