A God-Forsaken Right - Comments

wow, the ending was what got to me the most. the hero-worship that is portrayed. i know a few people who if they took their own lives, i'd have no other choice but to follow because without them, there is no point in living anymore. i can relate on that note.

Okie Dokie, this comment is from the judge of the Deathfic Competition I just want to leave a quick comment on each entry. If you want any long reviews on any stories please feel free to Private Message me.

Wow, this was an amazingly powerful one-shot, and left me speechless. The way you described him was beautiful, and the fact you didn't find out he was dead untill near the end had me going 'ohmygod' in my head!
Also, the last lines were strong and powerful, and brought tears to my eyes, something which doesn't happen a lot when reading.
The descriptiveness of this one-shot was once again amazing like your other peices, and once again, I loved it. Your peices of work leave me breathless so often ><

*wipes eyes*

Dude, you've made me even stronger. Yes, I keep my faith until now
I lost some loved ones because of suicide, and now i'm helping people to overcome the same loss i have. Thank you very much. It's very beautiful and well-written =)

Okay, you are a GOOD writer, very good. Which is why I’ve been very VERY picky in this review, because you don’t need me telling you general things any more, you’re way past that stage, hehe.

So hopefully you’ll forgive me for my nitpicking, but I assure that all of it is entirely complimentary, when I’m reduced to bringing up grammar points, it’s because I can’t find any general point to make! Hehe.

So here we go:

In the first sentence I have TINY grammar niggle which is purely me being utterly pedantic, but technically it should always be ‘different from’, not ‘different than’ and NEVER ‘different to’. It’s not hugely important these days, what with the rules of grammar slowly being eroded away, but I have a pet peeve about it and like to see it correct if I can, hehe.

You’re jumping tenses a little in some places, making it hard for me to figuratively ‘listen’ to your literary voice.
For example, the second paragraph: you flip from “moonshine would grace”, through “hair is silver” then “sun rose” and “becomes golden”.
That’s conditional present, continuous present, simple past, simple present – all in two sentences!

The moonshine graces his already pale skin, reflecting a pallid glow, and his messy cloud of raven hair is almost silver in the twilight breeze. When the sun rises, however, he becomes golden, shimmering and pristine, wearing a crown of daylight on his head.

With only two very minor adjustments, the whole paragraph aligns itself into the present tense and it becomes much smoother to imagine as now I’m comfortably settled into the present and no longer having to regear my imagination to deal with the tense changes. If you go through the piece and realign your tenses you’ll INSTANTLY raise your game another 50% - and your writing is pretty fucking good already!

‘Raven hair’ can be quite clichéd if not handled well. It’s not a big deal in this piece, but it is used a LOT, particularly in fanfic, so I tend to be wary of it. Again, it’s not a problem as such, just a comment.

His reflection is a smudge of flawlessness <NICE! Love that line.

Like you feel so blessed… I would be careful with that teenage ‘like’ there. I know that it’s SUPPOSED to be there, but ‘as if’ would mean exactly the same thing and avoid the over-use-of-‘like’-in-speech issue entirely.

I loved the revelation, with the welt from the mic-cord. Very very nice, cinematic reveal there.

witnessing his wife crumble into streaks of mascara and his brother harden into rigid metal < both BEAUTIFUL turns of phrase there.

I’m not generally a fan of suicide-stories – but you wrote it beautifully and with sensitivity. You have a LOT of talent, hence my over-pickiness, I think that with just a few adjustments, mostly to do with tense-tweaking, this could be an amazing little piece. Thank you so much for posting it!

"I'd want to be a hero like that," kept ringing into my head as you spoke of this. I need a voice like that. I need a passion like that to be a hero. Things like those bloomed inside my mind demanding a Way to get out and expand what I'd wish to say. This is a very inspiring vignette, Isa. And you feeding the KTF with the same inspiration for everyone, I alWays know that I'm glad KTF belonged to the right hands--you.

I was blown away by this story when reading it in the Keep the Faith compilation and once finished, tears rolling down my cheeks, I scrolled upwards to check the author's name. Lo and behold, it was you, Isa and I smiled through my tears to wonder how I didn't know it was you.

It's amazing the amount of emotion you - and every other author writing for this cause - make me feel. Every sentence is a blow to my heart but at the same time, with each undeniable blow, it's mended to a greater degree than it was fractured. I thank you very much Isa, for another mind-blowing, heart-wrenching story.

You're astounding.

<3 Jenn

Why do you insist on scaring me?

Now I have to go and wonder about your sanity.

...'course it might help if I had any...

This was so beautifully described throughout the whole thing.

You know how when you listen to music or look at a painting so beautiful, you want to cry just hearing or seeing it? Experiencing it? Like you feel so blessed just to be in its presence, to realize that there can be perfection found in the ruins that history left behind.

See, if I could write like that without thinking about it, I'd say something like that about your stories. But words only like me if it involves killing someone.

You still pwn my face.

Every word or phrase you write manages to reduce me to tears in the best way possible.
I think you broke my heart a little bit, but you mended it at the same time.

You're amazing like that.
So amazing :arms: