Real[m]ity - Comments

Hey there!

Comment swap sent me here and I’m glad it did. This is my first one ever, actually, and I seemed to have gotten pretty lucky!

This was so fantastic. Your writing is beautifully done and your storyline is definitely a solid one, I was hooked instantly from your summary alone. I loved how your prologue led straight into him remembering the whole story, like he’s reliving it all. I also really loved this because it’s not something I would usually read but it’s definitely got me hooked now and has completely drawn me in. The way you switch between the Realm and reality is perfect. You write in such a detailed way that makes your story so clear and descriptive and I absolutely love that. It's something I'd like to work more with as far as my own writing goes. You've definitely got something great here and I can't wait to read more! :)

The only thing I’d really critique is how many characters you have. It sometimes makes it a little hard to follow everyone’s storylines and how they all tie in together. However, all seem to be good characters that play off each other really well.

This is a great start to a story! I really like the premise and the play on words with the title. The prologue created a great visual that really drew me in. I read all of the chapters so far, and I can't wait to see how the characters develop. The only negative, and it isn't really even a negative, is that there seem to be so many characters already in play! I had a bit of a hard time following along. I also really like the idea of the realm jump. I pictured the monsters like the mutated humans in I am Legend! Keep at it!

Hi there, comment swap ushered me in this direction, and I am so very glad that it did. I was surprised by how much I like this story, and this was exactly what I was hoping for with original fiction. I love the world that you've built, and can't wait to read more of it.

I LOVED the lines "Staring at a foreign ceiling, his blue eyes were wide and frenzied. His heart hammered wildly within his chest, still tangled up in his vivid nightmare."

This story has a great plot and your style is fabulous, I'd live to read more.

Comment swap brought me!
I was not prepared for the quality of this story, quite frankly. I read the summary and didn't think this would be quite as great as the prologue and first chapter were. I will more than likely be reading more. Original and enticing plot from what I can tell. Nicely done.

A very unique idea and I love the way you write and take on a whole new persona. Very mysterious and has me wanting more. Again I like the characters and the developing plot of it all! Your idea is very original and I can't wait to read more of it!

So I only read the prologue and the first chapter so far, but I really like it and am subscribing. You're a talented writer, definitely, even just the summary caught my eye and made me want to read it. I like the idea of this, it's interesting. Good job (:

Comment swap brought me here! :)

I think you are a really talented writer. I think that the title is quite interesting and that instantly made me excited to read it and I was not let down.

I adored these two sentences "Staring at a foreign ceiling, his blue eyes were wide and frenzied. His heart hammered wildly within his chest, still tangled up in his vivid nightmare." I thought that the flow of them was beautiful and the imagery that was brought through these lines was spectacular. I loved how I was thrown into this world and it's a place I didn't want to leave. I think you have a very strong style that I liked. You're very aware of how to tease the reader, but give them enough to make them want to keep reading. I was hooked and I couldn't wait to click onto the next chapter. I love the name Amoretta because I'm always a sucker for unique names and that is super unique. I think that you really know yourself and I love that in a writer.

I like how you use dialogue, it's not always easy to write good dialogue, but you do it so well and so beautifully that it makes the story all that much stronger!

Really, really great job!

Comment Swap here! This story is just great. I feel a little bad though. Usually I try to critique stories in some way, but yours is already so great! I love how Amoretta appears geeky, but is so much more than that. It's refreshing to have a "normal" character. Sometimes the description is a little redundant, but it's nothing that detracts from the story. This a great story, and you are an amazing author. Good job. :)

Thank you comment swap! This was what I was hoping to find when I selected 'original story'.

I couldn't find any fault to point out. I've loved everything that I've read so far. The idea is pretty original, you give enough detail, but not too much. I've found myself drawn in by the mystery of the story, and your characters are well-described and well-developped (I particularly like Cordelia and Scarlet, as well as Flynn).Your descriptions are useful, and the dialogues realistic. I like the way you write things, and I also (although it's only a side note) love the names you give to your characters.

I'd like to give a more useful comment, but like I said, I couldn't point out anything wrong about this.

Aw, I like this! I love the layout, and the summary really draws people in! This is a pretty good story, and I liked reading it very much. You never give too much information - it's a bit mysterious. It makes the reader want more! I'm definitely going to read your other pieces. :)

Hey, I'm here for comment swap. :)

First off, I'm not going to compliment you on how awesome this story is, because judging from all the other comments here, you know that you wrote a pretty badass story. :) What I'm going to tell you is some things that will make this story stronger.

When I was reading this, I noticed you had a lot of adjectives and adverbs. What I'm going to suggest might be unsettling. Kill those adjectives and adverbs. Put an axe to them. Eliminate them from existence. You know why? Because a lot of them are unnecessary.

For example here in the prologue: "“You’ll see it,” her smug smirk twisted into a devilish grin through his delirious eyes. “I’ll show you.”" You could cut the last part and still have it make sense. Cut "through his delirious eyes." You've established he was going deranged in the first paragraph, this add-on in this sentence just makes it a bit clunky. (Also, this is a minor thing, but you also have to capitalize "her" and put a period after "you'll see it." It's a little typo for dialogue tags.)

Here's another thing you could do. In this sentence: "Then suddenly he was falling, limbs flailing wildly, desperate to catch hold onto something." You can cut "suddenly" (or "then", whichever works. Both of these can move the action along, but both together make it a little redundant) and you can cut "wildly". You cut "wildly" because "flailing" already creates that picture. Flailing is a wild movement, so why have that adverb there?

These are small things you can do to help make the story entertaining and strong. (Not that it isn't already, but it'll make it even better.) I hope this helps! If you need any more help, feel free to ask. :)

Hi i'm from comment swap, I have to admit that i have only read the first chapter but im really liking the sotry so fa, its different and seems to have a lot of potential. Also i like the fact that the summary really drags you in. Good luck with the rest of your story, I'm sure its going to be great!

This story is good. It seems unique. There are a lot of different characters, so I sort of get lost while reading. I’m still a little confused about Amoretta’s character. From what I’ve read I do like Landon’s character. But anyway, it seems good. Keep writing! :)

First thing, even though only comment swap brought me here. This is amazing. The summary really pulled me into the story and the prologue was insanely well written. in a way your story is scary, even though I only read the first two chapters I can't wait for more ^__^

Hey Hey comment swap time!
this seems pretty awesome! i love how you write!
I can't wait to read more into it and see what the heck is going on! The plot seems pretty cool so far so keep going because your doing a great job!

This is AMAZING. I honestly don't know what else to say. The details, the way you execute it... it just feels so flawless. I just want to know the character's stories, and I usually don't care too much beyound the main few. I also want to know what happened before the people of the realm were sent into reality, or whatever it is that happened.

I'm defintely subscribing and recommending. This deserves so much more attention.

Wow. I really liked this. It was beautifully written and the storyline really captured my imagination. The description was written really well. I really enjoyed the prologue and it made me really curious about the rest of the story. Chapter one was really interesting and although it's really different it flows really well and it's really unique, so well done :D

Comment swaaaap, haha. (: So, I'm in the middle of reading this right now, and I'm sort of commenting as I go along. This sstory is beautifully written. Also, there is a lot of dialogue in the 1st chapter, but in the rest it sort of evens out, so good with that. Oh, your layout is super pretty. It sort of makes me feel like I'm in a dream land, pretty cool. Keep it up, man \m/

this is a really unique story, I would have to agree with the previous commenters! you do a really good job of drawing the reader in with mystery and confusion as to what exactly is going on. I like that you have cleared up some things that are going on - like what exactly The Realm is and how Amoretta is connected to it.

I would have to disagree that this story is dominated by dialogue, in fact, I think there is a really good balance of it. your description is good and I really like how you characterize Flynn. the only thing is I'm a little confused as to how all these characters fit together, but I suppose that will come with time. I would include at least a litttttle tie between them in the next chapter, otherwise readers might get disinterested with the wait!

overall, good job! unique idea, interesting characters, compelling plot. keep working on it, it'll be interesting to see where it goes.

Hello, I'm here from Comment Swap!

This is amazing, and original and very unique. I don't think I've read anything like this. The layout is simple but really effective, I actually really like it.

I adore the summary - it invites so many questions and it's just so interesting, it really compels the reader to carry on.

“You’ll see it,” her smug smirk twisted into a devilish grin through his delirious eyes. “I’ll show you.”

The description in this was just fabulous, darling. *snaps fingers snazzily*. I could imagine everything so vividly and I declare this chapter to be awesome. Although I must agree with Emma_Joe_Ford when she said that the story is rather dominated by dialogue. You're so brilliant at description, so a bit more of it would make this story utterly flawless.

The first chapter, although the whole 'dream' aspect is quite overused, was written really well. You have a way with words, and the vocabulary you use is excellent. A weird thing to pick up on, but an important thing nonetheless.

I quite like the title, even if I don't fully understand it - it's very intriguing. Your spelling and grammar is absolutely impeccable, and I will definitely be coming back to read the rest of this! Recommended and Subscribed!

Il est absolument magnifique et je l'adore. This was totally amazeballs.