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This story seems us pretty interesting, it's not my type of story but I know a lot of people will like this. There are errors though and I'm not being picking don't worry I get it anyone and everyone can make errors but by listening to my comment and other people's comments you can may your story pretty much perfect. There are grammar errors, the paragraphs aren't spaced properly and the character development can be more detailed. Other than this it's a really interesting story so far!

I gotta say, this story is very interesting. However, it could use some polish. There are just a couple of grammatical errors that could use fixing, but that's not unusual. Also, splitting up your paragraphs and spacing them a little bit more could help make reading it a little easier. Also, that note/link in the beginning is totally out of place. If you want a picture in the story, set it as part of a custom layout, and put that note in the Author's Comments section at the bottom, instead of right above the story.

Aside from these, this story is a great idea.

Hi! Unfortunately, I only had time to read the first chapter. So far, I really enjoyed the plot and the development of characters. One thing that I would advise you to do is maybe make your paragraphs a bit shorter, or if you have a long paragraph, split it into two. You use a lot of detail in the story which very good and I like that but the length of the paragraphs can sometimes bore readers.

Another thing is that you have to watch out for you spelling and grammer. I've noticed a couple of mistakes in the first chapter:

"There’s 3 other cities in this class – Lilita, Xabin and Auden." should be: "There are 3 other cities..."

"but I never never met the girl." You used an extra never.

"lot’s of books stacked up in a corner" lots is spelled w/o an apostrophe.

"don’t make friend’s." friends should be w/o an apostrophe.

I found a few more and if you want me to point those out to you, I will gladly do so. Other than that, I think that you have a great story in the works and keep up the good work :)

"No one knows it’s there, but the person who built the house and I think they meant for it to be a panic room."
In that line you don't need the comma.
I see quite a few more grammar errors, but nothing that takes away from the story. You might wanna fix it up, though, because some people will notice.

I think you have an interesting plot and characters, and with a tad bit of editing and character development, you could have an amazing story! You just need to polish up your writing a bit. You do a lot of telling while writing stories is supposed to be more about showing. Just keep on editing and working hard!

I think you should double space your paragraphs to make it easier to read. It's my biggest pet peeve. There aren't too many grammatical errors but spacing the paragraphs would make life way easier for us. The plot sounds decent too, and it's not really something that I a used to reading.

The plot is very interesting and original and you use imagery and build the characters well.
There are a few grammar and spelling errors but nothing major. spacing it out and adding more paragraphs would make it easier to read, and maybe consider changing the layout, it wont affect what is written but could improve the reading experience.
overall its good, and with some editing i think you have a good story with quiet a unique plot, i like it :-)

First off, this is a good idea. However, right off the bat I noticed some spelling and grammar errors. These are easily fixed, though. As far as layout goes, paragraphs are easier to read if they're spaced out more and you're really not supposed to have links in the story. You definitely know where you want this to go and who your characters are, which is admirable. If you edit it some this has the potential to be awesome.

Starting off with the layout, I am not a fan of the default layout at all. It is rare when I even click the default option in a horribly hard-to-read story since I dislike it so much. It's plain, it's boring, and there is nothing appealing about it. But it is easy to read, so it is a safe choice for your readers.

The summary itself is quite.. detailed. I am not a big fan of summaries telling a good portion of the story. I prefer summaries being short and giving hints of what might happen. I would've much preferred it if your summary hadn't told so much about the actual story.

Still talking about the summary I found quite a few grammar mistakes. "immidiantly, tooken, survial." All should be replaced for immediately, taken, survival.

Going onto the actual chapters.

Before I even get into it, please delete the link from your first chapter. It is against Mibba rules to have links within the story. Putting that aside, your story has an interesting plot, but the paragraph layout is distracting. Large paragraphs that you have could be separated into two or three which would make it easier to read.

I found grammar mistakes all over the place as well. I would suggest to find a beta who can proofread your paragraphs. Just to name a few, "fancyed, Jareds, peice," all which should change to, "fancied, Jared's, piece".

Your plot really is interesting, but it is things like that that push the reader away from the story. You have talent for detail and imagery and that is already two fantastic traits to have as a writer. Don't give up, this story can grow to be absolutely fantastic if you want it to be.

ooooh i like this. it's a very original idea, and i like how you start off almost straight away with the world building. it's an nice touch.

the one thing i noticed was ''a bit sat, though.'' i assume it should be ''sad''? that's the only thing i could see though. i'm enjoying it so far, looking forward to reading more! <3

Look at that, comment swap swapped me with a similar story! We're both writing about kids in a future society :) I like your idea, it's really clever. It's also realistic, and it could happen in real life which makes it creepy but awesome. Some of your sentences are a little choppy and some of them are run-ons, so just be careful with those and make sure it sounds clear. Other than that, I like where it's going. Good job :)

I like this the idea is really interesting and original. Watch out for proper punctuation especially with semi-colon's because they're tricky, for example when you say "the letter read;" it should be a colon (:) instead of a semi-colon. Other than nit-picky grammar things though I think it's good!