Green Water - Comments

Brought here by comment swap. The poem at the beginning really set the tone for this story, and you handled the constant switching of past and present very well. It was all too easy to see this from Julie's point of view and understand that after what happened to her, she can't stand water, because it very nearly killed her. Not only that, but she passed out on the verge of drowning, with only the murky green water in sight. That would traumatize me for years as well. This is a very emotional story, and you wrote it well!

I love love love the pacing in this story, since it really contributed to the emotion that I definitely felt throughout all of it. I can tell you put a lot of thought into it as you wrote it, and overall this was great. Your sentence structure was choppy in all the right places, making me read faster in the more action-packed parts, and it was just overall great. Awesome job! :D

Wow, there's not much more to say. It's evident that is a very emotional story and you do a good job of telling it. How you used the present and past to tell the story was really well done, and added something that some stories do not have.

This is a really emotional story, and you've captured that really well. The feelings of your characters are very real, and very desperate, and I really appreciate that you've painted such a vivid emotional picture. As a reader, that helps me understand the story a lot.

However, there were a lot of grammatical and spelling errors that kind of stuck out and did slightly distract from the story. You keep jumping tenses, which wouldn't be a problem if you only did it to separate from past and present, but it also happens in the same sentence more than once.

But like I said, the content of the story is well worth it. This is a very evocative piece, and I thank you for writing it! I suggest perhaps getting a beta to revise it with you to give it the attention it deserves. :)

wow, this is really something. it stays fast paced and quick because although the story is relatively long, you break it up with short little sections/flashbacks. that definitely held my attention as a reader.

it was really good all-round. i didn't notice any spelling/grammar mistakes, and i really enjoyed reading it. <3

I liked this story, your writing style is refreshingly different. The only complaint that I had is that to me it was really busy and hopped back and forth but it was still really good (:

First I will say congrats on receiving second in my contest! :) I really enjoyed the story.

I like the way that you have it going from present to flashbacks thinking about what happened ten years before. It is very good. My only real concern was that it was a little hard to tell what was the past and what was the present if you weren't paying attention. I think that it would be much easier if the past was in italics rather than separating with dashes. Other than the occasional confusion it was a very original story that ended in a way that I was not expecting.

I liked the twist that you gave to go along with the phobia of water it was very interesting and creative. One last thing I noticed was a few spelling errors but nothing major.

Again, thank you for entering the contest and congrats, I liked your story. :)

Hello there, I was brought here by comment swap.
I enjoyed the idea of this story. It connected with me.
I do want to point out that it was very difficult to tell which time period we were in, but I read it over twice and it finally clicked for me.
I think the use of vocabulary could have been a bit more mature, but kudos to you for executing such a sad story in such a well way.
Happy writing [:

Oh wow.. This is a deep story you have here. like Jaquie, I've almost drowned before. I almost took my brother with me too.. It was in a river people go to often. I couldn't swim either and I still can't. I was terrified of water because of it and reading this did bring back the feelings and that awful dislike toward green water >_< .. Anyway, fantastic story, deep, personal, and honestly the way you use your words and breaks are great.

I almost drowned once. It was the most horrible experience of my life. Reading this kind of brought back that experience of swallowing water and being close to death.

The concept of this story, though sad, is very good. You don't see a lot of sad stories like this on Mibba.

A better grasp of grammar would have made it better, I think, but other than that I like it.

this may be the saddest thing ive ever read. it was kinda sweet in a sence though. it was so raw, so real. please coninute writing. u have a real talent. i loved this story but at the same times hate that any one whould have to go through that. i can relate in a way though. and any sotory ppl can relate to is good plus ur writing is amazing the only thing i was confused with was wat was dream and wat was reality.

This was a really beautiful story, unique and sad. I liked it. There were a few spelling mistakes, quite should be quiet. But other than that, this story flowed beautifully. Really great job, keep up the good work!

I thought this was quiet a unique story, and it was really a beautiful concept. I got a whole Inception feel to it, and I really loved it.

Like the two comments before me, I don't think the hyphens are necessary, but it's whatever you think gives your story character!

I understand how you're switching from past to present and back again, but the second grouping of paragraphs really confused me. Everything is written in past tense, but then you switch to saying "I fall." Perhaps you did it on purpose, but it made it a bit difficult to read because of it.

Overall, I loved this concept, and I agree that you should continue with it!

Don’t just any cemetery the one where He is buried.
I think this sentence would be better if it was worded like this: Not just any cemetery. The one where he is buried.
I agree with the commenter before me, you should use italics instead of all the breaks to identify with the past and present. It was really confusing for me to follow which was which.However, I think the story has a great chance to be amazing. I actually really liked this story. There are a few errors which can be easily taken care of, but they don't make the story that difficult to read. I think more commas were needed, but besides that I think it was a job well done.

This is really beautifully written and I liked the way you swap between past and present, though I would suggest maybe making the past in italics as it may just make it that little bit clearer. That being said I really enjoyed it and you really should continue with it ! :)