thank you i will work on it some more when I have the time
June 5th, 2012 at 06:38pm
Hello! :)
I think I'll start on the critiscism, just so we can get it out of the way. You need to space out your paragraphs, as the huge block of writing seems really daunting to some: that might repell some readers, unfortunately. Also, your vocabulary could be a little more diverse - words such as 'cooler' amd 'good' could be improved: I suggest going on word and using the dictionary app it has. It gives you a wide range of more sophisticated words to choose from.
Anyway, onto the positive stuff.
I like the irregular style you write in, filled with rhetorical questions and short sentences. It really gives off a intriguing, fast-paced atmosphere and makes it much more entertaining to read. I like how you are the main character in this, as it makes everything much more personal to the reader. The description of your friend/s is lovely, and really paints a vivid image of the character and their characteristics. Overall, this story is very intriguing and has a lot of potential as a amazing story: good job and good luck with the rest of it! :)
I'm sorry, I sound like a bit of a jerk - I do honestly like this story.