Breaking The Silence - Comments

CORRECTIONS:
3rd para, 2nd sentence- stong->strong
26th para 3rd sentence
47th para 1st sentence- of->have

COMMENTS:

I strongly believe that writing tragic events like having a still-born child in a mother's POV cannot do complete justice to what a mother truly feels. However, the pain, the love and the sorrow were beautifully portrayed.

The only thing I felt missing was the baby's description. Surely, if the baby meant so much to the mother, she would have noticed subtle features, dead or not. Otherwise, the writing was absolutely brilliant.

Oh, wow. I've never read a story with this kind of topic and I have to say it broke my heart, but I was also touched by how you ended it. You have a simple, but effective writing style that pulls me in and I was so sad when I was reading her thoughts about how she lost her baby. You captured the emotions well and I like how the story kind of ends on a bit of a good note. Like, it's not completely happy, but they're at least grateful that their daughter existed. It shows that while the couple is still saddened by what happened, they're also strong. Wonderful job!

Oddly enough, this is the second pregnancy story I read today, and I liked this one much better! This story was so sad and emotional, and I loved that you were able to capture all the tragic emotion of miscarriage in so few words. It was beautiful, really, and so touching at the same time. I felt so bad for the mother, because you could tell how much the miscarriage broke her, and I imagine it's that was for many people, which is so sad. This was a beautiful story and I really enjoyed reading it! I don’t have any criticism for you!

You are very good at writing this kind of serious and emotional stuff. I tried writing an emotional and serious story before but it didn't worked out the way I wanted it to be..

This story is very emotional.......You did a wonderful job
writing it. You are a great writer.

My aunt had a miscarriage and I never really understood what she went through. They had tried for seven years to have a baby, and when she was five months pregnant, it already had so many problems (it didn't develop its heart right, it had holes in its spine, etc) that it died and she had to give birth to a stillborn. It was so sad because my littlest sister was around two then, and I remember my aunt saying, "I was going to have a beautiful baby like you too, but not anymore..."

Miscarriages are so so so sad. No mother should ever lose a child. Isn't is awful to think that before modern medicine, losing a baby wasn't that uncommon?

In the sequel you should go into the recovery process she went through, because I'm sure the months following the miscarriage are the worst. So many women go through depression and it's hard for them to try for a baby again.

I don't read many stories that I actually like but this... Just from the first paragraph it just grabbed me. It actually brought tears to my eyes, too. I hope to read the sequel one day. It was very touching, but I still loved every bit of it. I adored how it had a lot of detail, as well. I think that’s one thing that really got me to like the story. I can’t even explain how many stories I read that has no detail to it what so ever.

This was just amazing. It was so... emotional. And this is so difficult on people. My best friend's family lost a baby a couple of years ago; she was a stillborn. It's great that you decided to do this as a credit to your sister and her baby.

The story is really well written as well.

this was lovely. it really was. i didn't know what to think when i saw the background with the baby, as most pregnancy related stories i've read have been unfortunately awful, but this was really great.

there is one tiny moment in the middle where you switch tense from past to present, but that was the ONLY error i could find.

it was very beautiful though, so touching, and really sad. the story really is a credit to your sister and to little baby elizabeth's memory. you should be very proud. <3

This. This is really touching. As on the story side, it's well-written and gets the point across alongside with necessary emotions and feelings. It's conflicting as when it's peaceful, it's also so full of emotions like regret and frustration.
The story is very touching and when to consider how real it is, I can't even start to imagine what every day would feel like. How it would be to see all the preparations they had made, how it had affected them psychologically etc.
I can't just say that it's a great piece of writing - I should be thanking you instead for sharing this.

Wow. This is beautiful. I don't even know what to say... NILMDTS (whew! long abbreviation!) sounds like a fantastic organization. And, as Rebell said, you put such a poetic spin on something that could come across as a little macabre. Yet there is beauty in the story, in the baby who never got a chance. And I feel like this truly is something beautiful.

This is really beautiful and so sad. I really like how you were able to take something like NILMDTS and show how much it can help people, especially since since it sounds a big strange and even macabre to people who haven't gone through that situation. But the way you explain it, and the characters emotions about losing their child and getting to do at least that one thing with them was perfect. This really was beauitful.

The poor baby. I can't even critique this. It's so beautiful and sad. So, so sad.

I have heard of that foundation before and thought it was wonderful. I can't imagine ever going through that. This story brings it in front of my eyes. Shows me the pain and I can't just disregard it. Beautifully written.

Oh my gosh, Nathan sounds absolutely adorable! It really helped contrast with the horror of what else was going on. You built up the tension so well, just hinting at it, I could barely stoop reading. I think there could have been more detail during the actual birth scene. Ialso think that maybe you could change the summary to something less revealing as it gave away the ending before we had even begun, maybe put it in the authors note?
I really enjoyed this, it was a good eye opener

I think it was well written.

You created proper characters and helped the reader to connect with them.

I liked it. But it's not usually my type of book. You're clearly a good author.

The changes you've made to the story are good.
Good job.

I really liked how you wrapped up the ending, and I thought you did a great job at describing Melinda's emotions and how she felt about having the photographs taken. It was very endearing, and you told it well. I could tell you felt strongly about it, the NILYMTS foundation and what it stood for.

I'm glad you wrote this, because I have never heard of the foundation till now.
Overall, I just really enjoyed this story. It really stuck with me even after I was done reading it. So great on it :)

This story was so touching it broke my heart. I've had a miscarriage before and that hurt really bad. I don't know what it's like to loose a child you give birth to, but I know a girl that does. It's heart breaking and unfair but god had plans for her. Tell your sister I'm sorry for her loss. This was an amazing story by the way.

She is blessed to have a sister like you who cared enough to tell her story and I think you would be great photographer. :)

Hello there. :D

Well at first I thought this was about teenage pregnancy but it clearly isn't since the characters sounded mature not to mention they were married, and I am glad it's not because that is not my type of story. Anyway, this surely is worthwhile to read because it has an obvious moral. I like that.

Quick check: I wasn’t even aloud to clean. I think you meant allowed. :) 

And you have missed the apostrophes in: They are proof that she had her fathers smile and her mothers hands.

Other than that, I think your writing is good. I'm not sure of any other mistakes. :)

I like the normal characters you've used to support the story, they all sounded mature as I said earlier. I liked the husband, he's just too loyal and caring. I just wish mine would be just like that. Hehe. I also liked Kathy for being supportive. But, in my opinion, Mel was too strong for a woman who has just lost her daughter, or you didn't focus on her sadness of losing her daughter as powerful as you did when she faced her pain before the paramedics came. Because to me she seemed calm when the doctor told her about her baby despite the expression you used to tell about her feelings that time.

The flow was effective, soft but scaring, because I got nervous when she called Kathy, it just sounded so real. However at the second last paragraph, there was something wrong with the flow because I didn't feel anything but I don't know what it was. 

But here I am today, breaking the silence, and telling the world, I had a baby, this is my baby, and she is beautiful.

By the last paragraph nevertheless the soft flow was back and the words was beautifully expressed. It made a very good ending.

(I'm sorry if something sounds strange. Using my phone, as I always say ^^')

This is for the ‘comment swap’ feature. (:

My first impression of your story based upon the summary was that it would be a very touching and emotional story, and it was. Knowing that it was based off of experiences your family really had to go through made it even more touching in a certain way. Still-born babies are never an easy thing to go through, your sister is strong. I know this since she was able to survive such a tragedy.

One piece of advice I do have for the story is to separate your paragraphs by double spacing. With a single space, the paragraphs do look clumped together and it is hard to read. It was easy for me to lose my place in the story if I looked away even for a second because of the single spacing you had going on. So try to do double spacing between paragraphs in the future. Here’s an example of what I mean, excerpt taken from your story:

“As I looked out my window, I caught a glimpse of the thunder clouds rolling in. The air was already beginning to become cold. I wrapped my pale blue robe tighter around my shivering body. Today didn’t feel like a good day. Maybe it was just something in the air.

Suddenly my Golden Retriever, Noah, cried out, pawing at my leg. I looked down at him, to find worry in his eyes. Perhaps, it wasn’t just me. I calmly petted his head and told him everything was fine. But was it? I had no clue.”

A double space will make it much clearer and easier for people to read. With that being said, there were also grammatical errors throughout the story. My suggestion is to look over every chapter before you post it if you're not already doing that. If you feel it to be a good idea, you could also look into finding a user to beta for you. Someone who would give your chapters a second-look after you've looked over them and correct any errors for you that you may have missed. For a lot of people, betas can be very useful people so it is worth looking into if you're interested in it.

Your story was very touching, you have a lot of strength for being able to tell it to such a wide audience. Very well done, on both the story and having the courage to tell it.