Days Passing - Comments

Hey! Just a head’s up that Charlie’s link is broken. I was brought here by the comment swap, so I’m assuming its for concrit? I don’t want to overstep any thing!
I’m definitely interested by the steps and where the story might be heading. I’m hoping in future chapters you keep that common thread in there, because it definitely seems like something good to build on. I really love the idea of there being this central place that their lives all sort of unfold from. I’m also intrigued by Kaela and Charlie, and the way their story unfolds from Milly’s POV.
The story definitely intrigues me as to where it’s going, and you’re style is different, with all the short paragraphs/single lines that you have. The only thing I would suggest with it is trying to vary your sentences more. When you’ve got Milly describing her process of getting ready and looking at herself, for example, nearly every sentence starts with “I”, and it feels short and choppy. You also vary present and past tense. I personally am not a huge fan of first person POV, but the way you were writing in present tense draws me in a lot more than most first person does.
I keep wanting your descriptions to go just a little farther than they are. Like ch2, when she’s watching the ant and suddenly Peter is there. I love that you got detailed enough that she’s watching an ant, but all three sentences start with “I”, so it feels short and choppy. I keep looking Peter calling her name, because she’s so engrossed by the creature, or the way Peter’s backlit by the afternoon soon, or he’s later than he usually is, and that’’s why she was bored and distracted.
Again, it’s good so far! I’m intrigued by it and want to know more, especially about Kaela and Charlie. Hope this is what you were looking for. Looking forward to seeing what’s next=]

P.S. I'm getting from the other comments this must be a rewrite with some changes? Not sure exactly what the first story is but just from the comments it sounded like it must have been pretty cool!=]

This is really beautiful. The layout is very warm and inviting, and it compliments the feel of your story at the start, and the way your characters interact. They seem like interesting people and their dialogue is very natural. My only concern is that sometimes you switch from present to past tense just randomly, and that sometimes disrupts the flow. Other than that, I think it's wonderful and I hope it continues.

This is really beautiful. The layout is very warm and inviting, and it compliments the feel of your story at the start, and the way your characters interact. They seem like interesting people and their dialogue is very natural. My only concern is that sometimes you switch from present to past tense just randomly, and that sometimes disrupts the flow. Other than that, I think it's wonderful and I hope it continues.

You're a decent writer, and the layout is nice and easy to read. The colors arent harsh and it all looks really nice. Peter seems like a lovely person and she'll possibly end up with him? Just throwing that out there. Keep writing because youre doing ok so far!

Cute story :) the only thing that sort of bothered me was how you said "the steps" like ten times in the first chapter, but other then that I really liked it! I do want to know a little more about the main character, maybe more childhood/friends/family, etc. The rest is great! Good luck in the future :)

Your story is so cute! I really like your layout. You've spaced everything out nice and neatly. Normally thats one of the first thing a reader notices and it makes them decided whether or not to keep reading or hit the back button. I kept reading. :) I didn't see very many grammar or punctuation errors, but what I did see, I don't remember. Either way, you should go back and reread everything, maybe have someone else read it too? And then fix anything you need to. Other then that, this story is really good! Keep up the good work! :)

Wow, this story is amazing!

I've bever before read a story set in Cambodia. I may be wrong, but isn't the whole country of Cambodia slightly unfortunate, not just certain parts.

It made me so sad when the steps crumbled... I mean, when they found that last remnant of the coloured concrete, I almost cried right along with Gloria...

But when she was sitting in the place where the steps used to be and Gavin came along, my tears dried and I was like, "AW!"

Then, when Gavin's parents forced them apart, the tears were back.

I didn't expect this to be like a modern Romeo and Juliet. And I loved the ending, how Cambodia was similar to the Titanic. Thought of as the 'unbreakable island' but. With the titanic, it hit one little 'berg and it's mom got scared, and said, 'see that water? you're goin' under there.' and how with Cambodia, a similar thing happened. How the bigger island that controls it was all 'you kids are out of freaking control. more to the United States.'

This story was just... genius. A brilliant remix of old classics. Magic. <3 Keep writing, love.