When Darkness Fell - Comments

The emotion involved in this fictional memoir just pours off the page. It's very sad what this girl had to go through and you had the emotion done very well.

However, I would like to point out some small punctuation issues. The title should be "When Darkness Fell" with the first letters in caps, and just small grammatical mistakes such as "I was left in a room which was said that was mine, for what seemed like hours, I was extremely hungry..." this is a long run on sentence. Perhaps putting a period between "..what seemed like hours. I was extremely..." would break it up a bit.

The descriptions are limited for the most part, except when describing Mrs. Powel, but this is a one shot so I know you probably were trying to keep this story short when this could have easily been made into a full length novel.

The conclusion was a quote well matched for this story, and I did like how it was used as almost an after thought for the narrator. I think it tied up what you were trying to get across nicely.

This story absolutely breaks my heart :( War stories are always very interesting to read, at least in my opinion, and I think you've made yours very unique by having the protagonist be a child. I had an immense frown on my face when I read the bit about her making her doll feel everything that she did, but it was very well written. So horrible that both of her parents died, but at least she has her brother, I was not expecting him to come back! Overall, great job, please continue!

I really like a good war story at the best of times, especially when they’re told from a child’s perspective. I find there’s something so sad in the innocent way they perceive what’s happening. By saying that there is something about your young narrator that gives her an air so much older than she is. That’s not a bad thing; I’d like to point out. It works well for her as she has been through tragedy and torment so a lack of innocence is forgiven. I feel there is almost a reflective tone to your writing, as she says “I was only eight at the time” which leads me to think she’s looking back on the events?

I also liked the fairy tale connotations (her knight in shining armour) and which was fitting of the quote you used to bring it all together at the end; it’s hopeful and people need hope. I’m trying to give constructive criticism so I’m reading it through again to try and find something to criticise. It’s hard, the only thing I can think of (and it’s not really a criticism) is that I think your style has great potential. Your writing is already good and you’ve tackled some taboo topics (molestation and child abuse) so kudos for that because that is hard. I would like to see how your style continues to grow and more than likely it will.

Well done.

A wonderfully tragic story. I was very definitively washed over with emotion for that one. I agree with some others that more character development was needed, but at the same time I also kind of liked the innocence of the empty vessel that she was. I would have perhaps liked a little more detail as to how her brother found her. It might have made it a little more poignant if he had given her the doll. Just an idea. Overall, a lovely work.

I thought this was very well written, I felt like her voice seemed a bit older then you said she was, which due to the era I understand. Just the way she described parts of it, felt a little distant and not as emotional as I expected. Otherwise I did really enjoy reading this and I think you have great potential.

The main character's story is so tragic! I'm already feeling for her and it's only through reading the first chapter. I'm happy that her brother finally came for her and I'm looking forward to seeing how they're going to move on from there. Keep writing~ :]

I will keep that in mind when writing again, thank-you so much, your comment is much appreciated :) !

I really enjoyed reading this. It had a lot of emotion and it was very human. It's sad to think what happened to the main character. One thing I felt that was missing was more of a character development. There was some, but I would have liked to read more. Other than that, I really liked this. It's a sad, twisted tale. Also, maybe a layout would nicely decorate your story.