The Body Shoppe - Comments

This was a super interesting story! I really enjoyed your voice in this, it's a writing style I don't often see and thought was well done for the most part. I would just take some time to thoroughly edit so that grammatical or punctuation errors don't take away from the story. Keep writing! Great job!

Wow, this plot is cool. It reminds me a lot of Repo! the Genetic Opera, so if you haven't seen that movie, I think you'd really enjoy it. But I digress... very interesting premise; you're making a very bold statement about capitalism and the way modern society runs. I can already tell by the prologue that is going to be both an intriguing and tragic tale, so if you were going for that sense of foreshadowing, I'd say you nailed it.

Comment Swap brought me here.
Your concept seems rather interesting, it's definitely different from anything I've ever read on Mibba and it seems very political, as it explores the consequences of privatization in excess, something which we are experiencing in the capitalist world right now. However, I think you should improve your writing a little bit, it seems a bit sloppy (no offense). Maybe have proofread it? Other than that, I really like your idea. Congrats!

this is really interesting, it's a unique plot and it's definitely something i haven't come across before, so i really enjoyed reading it and seeing what it was all about.

i'm really disappointed that there's only two parts posted so far! i love the whole idea of it and i'm really hooked! update soon please. <3

I'm still here! haha so I also have another idea for you. Sentence lengths can mean a lot. A lot of ands in a freight train sentence can make for an amazing execution in describing something. And a short two or three word sentence can really quicken the pace or intensity of what you are trying to depict. Here's something you might like:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important"

I'm still here! haha so I also have another idea for you. Sentence lengths can mean a lot. A lot of ands in a freight train sentence can make for an amazing execution in describing something. And a short two or three word sentence can really quicken the pace or intensity of what you are trying to depict. Here's something you might like:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important"

I come on behalf of comment swap.

Ooo a King sized FOUR poster bed! Lol...that's a really random detail, and if she can afford that, can't she get a new heart?

I really got caught by your summary, the unique idea tangled me up to keep reading and brushing through the chapters. Although there's one chapter, I wish there was more, I'm already excited to read it!

There are some grammar mistakes that you can work on just by reading through you story, or reading it aloud to catch the obvious mistakes. Also, the details are a little cliche. To avoid that you should use more details. For example she checks her father for "signals about his health." -That's a bland statement, and not that believable, she doesn't sound like she knows what she's doing at all. You should describe what she is looking for, maybe his skin is changing colour, or his hands tremor? Or describe her previous experience on what she is looking for in his signs of health.

Also when the doctor comes in she describes her father's room even though she was in there in the morning. Maybe you could describe it before with the condition of the father?
And use more description, other than "nice", like what is in the room that is relevant to the story- are there special chairs for her father to sit on, or a wheel chair or a motorized seat, maybe an IV or a heart monitor, or maybe some cool futuristic stuff?

Also when the doctor is talking to her, shouldn't she be super excited to finally have something to do, instead of getting distracted with how her dad's room, which she sees every day, looks. Be consistent!

Where's all the futuristic stuff? From the written "sound" of it you placed your story in the future for a reason, you should add all the cool details in.

I know I have a lot to say, but I'm just excited about this story. It sounds awesome. All the best writing!