November 14th, 2014 at 10:44am
{Comment Swap}
First of all, I'm not a fan of hockey so to be honest, I have no clue what you are talking about :L
But I have still read the chapters, and you do need to do alot of editing. Paragraphs together with speech look really bad because it is hard to read and it puts readers off. Grammar and spelling need alot of work as well so you should get someone to go over your chapters before you post. Please sort out your paragraphs and then I will start reading again.
I will admit that I only read the first chapter, I would have read more especially since I am a Hockey fan. Its just the fact that their aren't indents or line breaks between paragraphs really put me off and made it hard to read not to mention its really overwhelming when their is so much text in such a small area. I know its a little tedious but when you copy your story on to Mibba you need to put indents at the beginning of each paragraph and press 'Enter' at the end of each one to create line breaks. That helps it become ALOT easier to read.
You have some grammar issues and some sentences seem really formal, but thats totally understandable since your native language isn't English. I would just suggest getting a native English speaker if you can, to go over your story.
I really hope you at least separate the paragraphs, so I can read this because it seems really interesting. :)