Hey, nice story, really smooth and easy to get through. Didn't feel like a chore, ya know? I will say that it feels sort of indulgent, like fan fiction kind of. Dialing back on the amount of feelings that Mar expresses out loud would be useful. We know she cares about him, we know that when someone we care about cares for someone else it's sad, and we know how insecurity affects people. I found myself having to giggle a bit when Kam broke up with Brielle. That's just not how breakups go. He wouldn't have been staring at a picture of another girl while they were together, and if he had, she'd have noticed and they'd have fought about it, which would have been a much more realistic way to to end the relationship. The character descriptions are unnecessary. As a person who tends to fall in love with her own characters, I suggest getting the urge to go overboard with details out by writing full on character profiles out before writing, maybe even drawing the characters out first. Then when you write your characters into the story keep in mind that you want to avoid unnecessary details. Instead of brushing her 'long brown hair, straight and boring' out of the way, try 'hair' instead. Damn, now we know she has hair. I recently read a book about a printing company, I didn't even know that the characters were all Japanese until a few chapters in and I realized that the way they were describing important faces didn't makes sense for European faces (Like there weren't many planes on the face, they were sometimes described as blank or sharp, just not things you hear about white people) and I had to research the book to find that the author is asian and that it took place in Japan. It was refreshing, and I think you should take note.
July 14th, 2018 at 08:14am
