Sway - Comments

Comment swap c:
Immediately I have to say I like the layout. Pretty but minimalistic and easy on the eyes.
Just a quick typo to point out in the summary - you wrote "he treats the like animals." Pretty sure you meant *them like animals!
Chapter one: routine route sounds silly to me, personally. Usual route could work here instead. "No ten minutes" *not
I love any story that starts with someone getting hit by a train though. Brownie points for that one, my friend.
Oh, shoot it was just a dream. But you get your brownie point back for having Aubree's family blown to smithereens in a gas leak explosion. Haven't read that one before on here. The dead parents trope is kind of old to me but you spiced this one up so good job on that one.
And here enters the tall, dark, and handsome stranger. I love the "that sexy purposefully messy way" description you have here, it made me chuckle.

By the end of chapter one, all I really have to critique is your spelling mistakes and some inconsistencies with the tenses you use - you switch between past and present in some sentences and that can easily remove somebody from the experience. Apart from that I thought the first chapter was written pretty well. It's filled with tropes but you put a spin on them, so even if it isn't the most original thing, it definitely put a smile on my face. :) Just get yourself an editor or start religiously proofreading your work and you'll be good. <3

Here from comment swap.
I'm not huge into vampire stories, but your layout caught my attention. I read what little of the story was already available and I must say that I myself found it a bit cliché. However, I do not know how the story would have developed further due to lack of chapters. I'm in no way trying to bash the story you have created, you write beautifully and continue writing this story to your hearts content, but it was not my cup of tea.

I don't really read vampire stories but so far, this seems good. Your layout was eye catching and I didn't notice many grammatical errors. I love the use of detail and description used throughout the story and the main character is a very strong girl and she is very interesting. Overall, though, I like your style of writing. Keep writing :)

~Don't mind me, just commenting again after a month.~ So I know I read this story before but I really like it so I'm reading it again. I think the first chapter is my favorite, and it's super cool how when you put breaks in your stories you use the heartbeat thingy. And I still love the background! XD It's really sad though that Aubree has such bad nightmares.

Everything about this is great, but maybe I'm bias because I love the name Blair. Oh! And I really like the background.

Just judging by the layout and summary, I can tell I’m already going to love this; although, I’ll admit that I don’t really read stories like these because I can never really find any, and because when I do end up finding one that looks promising, it falls flat. But somehow, yours has an edge to it that I like already: girl who’s unlucky in life gets tossed with her estranged family after her parents die in a tragic accident and…meets a vampire in the new town? Oh, hello, I like this a lot and I haven’t even started reading it. :D

I like how you begin this off by giving us the details of the accident and a bit of background on Aubree; it really adds some personality to the story and makes the readers connect with the characters early on. I’m very curious to find out who this new mystery boy is – who actually sounds like a real hunk. Sigh. I wish they were real. Ahem. Anyways, he sounds really cute and I’m wondering why he always dies in Aubree’s dreams. Oooh…

This is awesome so far. Your characters are brilliant and your plot is quite enticing. I’m definitely going to come back to see what happens next when I can. Lovely job, my friend! <3

The beginning of the story was a little confusing to me. It took reading the first part twice to figure out who Mark was, because I don't think train operators are supposed to sleep on the job. After that, I just wondered who the shadowy person was, but that is the point.

As for realism, the fact that Aubree survived the explosion but her family didn't kind of threw me off. When you say she watched them die, I would think that she was in the room with them when they died, but if she was, she would have been killed too. When it comes to stuff like that, you either have to make your details very clear, or you have to take into account the realistic effects of things like explosions.

Overall, though, I like your style of writing. As well, my thing isn't really vampires, but this seems interesting. Keep on goin'.

Praise:
I think you did a very good job setting up the story and the train scene was a nice way to start it! The ending of the first chapter was absolutely PERFECT. I always read stories on Mibba where you can tell people don't know how to end a chapter, but I can tell that you do! You left it off on a question that the reader wants answered and that's the best way to end a chapter! It was absolutely brilliant!

Criticism:
In the second paragraph of the first chapter, "the figures body echoed through the train." It should be figure's.
I also noticed that you switched between past and present tense a couple of times. I couldn't tell if it was intentional or not.
In the fifth paragraph of the first chaper, "continued muttering stuff under her breath." you don't need the word stuff. It is considered improper and takes away from the story. 'continued muttering under her breath' would be fine.
In the eighth paragraph, "would have be alright before the accident, " I think you meant been instead of be.

No offense but the background is too distracting. The story itself is good, but, i don't really read vampire stories

No offense but the background is too distracting. The story itself is good, but, i don't really read vampire stories

I don't really read vampire stories but so far, this seems good. Your layout was eye catching and I didn't notice many grammatical errors. I liked how you started off in medias res or "in the middle of things" with the train scene. While the description of the boy was a bit common for a vampire story, I liked the twist of how he's the boy that dies in her dreams. That was a bit eerie to read but it definitely drew me in. For a vampire story, I quite like this. Good job!

This is an amazing story. The layout is beautiful, and it matches the storyline perfectly. I love the use of detail and description used throughout the story and the main character is a very strong girl and she is very interesting. The story flows very nicely. It is a fantastic story, please continue it and update!

This is an amazing story. The layout is beautiful, and it matches the storyline perfectly. I love the use of detail and description used throughout the story and the main character is a very strong girl and she is very interesting. The story flows very nicely. It is a fantastic story, please continue it and update!

Let me begin by saying that though I typically don't read vampire stories, this one might just have to be an exception. The summary in itself is interesting.

I love the way you portray the characters, but on top of that I also love how the vampire in your story isn't a glittering fairy that looks like it was puked on by Ke$ha. That right there is what really drew me in.

That and your writing style. It's different, in a very good way. You say you've never written in third person, but I honestly couldn't tell. It seemed like you had been writing like that your entire life.

I would love to read more. (:

I am not usually a fan of vampire stories, so since comment swap brought me here, I will comment on your writing.

I absolutely loved the way you started it with the train and then switched back to the story. It reminded me of movies and TV shows where we know that will come back later, but it draws you in.

I found a few minor grammatical errors, but they were no big deal because they didn't take anything away.

You are an excellent writer and a great story teller, keep up the great work.

I liked the introduction at the beginning, the story is very well thought out so far and I can’t wait to see where you take it. I can’t wait to see what happens to the vampire and with the girl, and what happens in general. It’s a really good story so far!

I don't usually comment on layouts but I love this layout. The story is really interesting too. I don't usually read this kind of story but I actually really liked this. Your a great writer. I'm definitely going to be watching this story!

First off I adore your layout, it seems that it's hard to find one that is actually readable, at least that's my luck anyway. The summary caught my attention right off, because I'll admit I'm a sap for these kinds of stories. That must be terrible, seeing the death of your family in such a horrid way, I don't know if I could handle that.
I would definitely freak out if someone all of a sudden appeared that was from my dream. I mean if it was a total stranger anyway. I'm actually going to subscribe to this. Can't wait to read more. :)

One, the layout is gorgeous and I'm in love with the banner, the girl is really pretty in a sad way. Second, I like the description so far, it's managed to catch my attention and I'm curious as to how this boy happens to be the boy in her dreams, I'd be pretty freaked out too if that were me. I wouldn't mind reading more, so looking forward to an update :)

we got off on the wrong foot. I decided to try to read one of your stories to make it up to you... its interesting so far.. update soon?