Dreamer in the Ice - Comments

Comment swap c:
What a cliffhanger. Every sentence I was trying to predict what was going to come next. At one point I was just convinced she was going to die and then the ending came. Personally, I think "rock-like tunnel" as suggested by another commenter sounds a little extra. Cave works fine, because that's exactly where she was - a cave.
I really felt the uncertainty of what could happen next and I loved this because of the anticipation you succeeded in making the reader feel.

Comment Swap. I was sort of irritated by the words you repeated in close relativity of each other. Instead of saying 'cave' three different times, you could have said 'crawling till she reached the opening of the rock-like tunnel' to eliminate the use of the same word over and over. The excessive use of She and Her, although I know you wanted to use her name at the end to sort of sum it all up and bring it together. It just didn't work for me. Your descriptions are pretty good and you did paint a story. I think with a little work it could've been made something really really good.

Omg! I love this. as far as I can tell this is all your going to write but it is AMAZING! Great job! I would love to read more like this

Wow, this was just simply amazing.
One shots are something that a lot of people have trouble with: they write too much, explain too much, or it just seems rushed. But, this was absolutely fantastic. You did a phenomenal job.
The details were so vivid and brought the story to life. I think it was the smaller details that you added that made everything so much better.
I'm almost sad that this is a one shot because I would love to see more. But, I guess I'll just have to read your other work now.
Just, wow.

Hey, I'm from Comment Swap.
This is really a lovely story. Your descriptions are beautiful and unique. Honestly, though I know this is a complete story, I'd love to see you turn it into something longer!

Short and sweet. I like the descriptions, too. It kind of reminds me of that one Jack London story To Build a Fire. Just because of the freezing to death thing. I like the mirroring of her name to her situation. It brings a nice touch of symbolism to it. :)

Your descriptions are amazing – I can visualize everything perfectly right down to the frigid iciness that is captured so well. Speaking of the crystals that were frozen in her hair was also a nice touch. It’s short, but it gives just the right amount of detail to keep my interest, and it definitely did; I especially liked how you did leave a lot to the imagination rather than spelling it out to the reader. I felt like you could totally continue on with this and make wonderful things out of it, and yet at the same time it stands perfectly on its own. Amazing job! :D

It had a good air of mystery around it - immediately stating situation, without the how and whys. With a story of this length often it is more interesting to be able to try and find those answers from the text. After reading it I got a very good sense of her immediate situation, with the interesting loose ends either side of the story - neither knowing what will happen to her after, not how she got there, really. Interestingly it mimics a real life situation where often we see people only for a brief moment, knowing only the facts we gleen at that moment - and I like that, and the need to gauge the rest. The discovery of the truth is interesting, whether left to the reader's mind, or if in later chapters

i really liked this. it was a good length, giving away some details, but still being short enough to have that kind of mystery about it that works for one shots (or first chapters! i don't know if you're planning to continue with this)

it is a little unclear what's going on at the beginning, but i think that really works in favour of the story. it really is good. <3

i really liked this. it was a good length, giving away some details, but still being short enough to have that kind of mystery about it that works for one shots (or first chapters! i don't know if you're planning to continue with this)

it is a little unclear what's going on at the beginning, but i think that really works in favour of the story. it really is good. <3

Alright, so the summary's a bit confusing in the sense that I want to get a better understanding. Good hook, lol.
Well that was crazy, haha. I wasn't sure what was going on at first, but it turns out she was out in the snow. Not sure why, but hey, beauty calls to people more often than logic does, right? You did a very good job at describing what she felt. And how her limbs felt numb while there were ice crystals in her hair. Great ending, too :)

I really like the concept of this story. The fact that she's just lying there and thinking is a nice change of pace from the high action stories I usually read. I would like to know how she got to that point, and if she'll make it There were a few spelling errors, but nothing major, and your descriptions are really vivid. As I've learned from the other comments, this is a one-shot, which makes it all the more interesting because as the reader, I get to imagine for myself how this all ends. Really good job on this =)

For the comment swap:

I like the way you’ve set the scene in this story. It gives a vivid picture of the environment – the isolation, brightness of the snow, and the cold. The story has a nice pace to it as well, as I started out wondering where she was and how and why she was there. I would like to know more about Eira and her background, but even with the story being as short as it was, I managed to get the picture of her as the type of person who likes to jump into things and see new places.

“Despite the many layers of thick woolen clothing, she could still feel the artic slivers creeping through the very fiber of her being, feeling as though they froze her very core.”

I like this sentence; it seems to personalize the environment, the cold and ice as a being – one that’s unfeeling and relentless. And this sentence also flows very well. (Though it should be ‘arctic’ rather than ‘artic.’) I like that it’s described as a ‘barren wonderland,’ because it seems like a contradiction but also makes sense; because it can be beautiful and wonderful, but also deadly.

There were a couple of typos I noticed, but it’s nothing that can’t be remedied with a read over.

And towards the end, one of the sentences (‘The voices repeat, again and again...) is in present tense rather than past.

Overall, a good read.

I really like the description that you have used here. Usually, stories like this don't interest me much because of it seeming like a sad story (I'm a happy story person :P ) but this is great. I love the description...Have I said that already? xD

I really like your writing style. While, I'm hhonestky not a huge fan of yuor particular writing style. I like the idea of this story and the characters. I think this is a story I could actuslly see myself gettung into.

I really liked this.

I thought your descriptions were really well done. Especially how you describe the cold in different forms, I think that really helped readers to envision Eira's feeling at that moment.

There was something about this that reminded me of Game of Thrones - probably the cold and the snow. It reminded me of empty, white wilderness, and made me feel like the character, Eira, was very alone and very scared and in a very dangerous position.

I really would have liked to read more, but I see that it's just a one-shot. I'll definitely check out some of your other, though, because I think you have a good writing style I'd like to see more of.

Although I would like more information on how Eira (beautiful name, btw) got to where she was, I like the fact that you started right in the middle of the action. A very interesting setting, one that I would have never tired myself. You left the story off on a note where you can either continue on or leave it as a mystery. I didn't see anything that needed to be changed so, I'd say great job.

My first guess was that she was a prisoner but I guess she is a victim of the snow.

I loved reading your story. You do great describing feelings and situations. I had never thought before about being freezed with ice all around.

Is your story complete? I wish not because I want to read more of it.