Red - Comments

  • Gibbletmaster

    Gibbletmaster (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    45
    Location:
    United States
    Amazing. All I have to say.
    December 2nd, 2012 at 08:50am
  • ForgottenJoker

    ForgottenJoker (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    24
    Location:
    Indonesia
    Loving it so much!!
    August 1st, 2012 at 11:33pm
  • discoveringclouds

    discoveringclouds (200)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    30
    Location:
    Canada
    Oh no, your story finished. :( Now what am I going to do?
    August 1st, 2012 at 11:33pm
  • discoveringclouds

    discoveringclouds (200)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    30
    Location:
    Canada
    Your story is so cute so far. I love it. :)
    August 1st, 2012 at 10:58pm
  • discoveringclouds

    discoveringclouds (200)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    30
    Location:
    Canada
    " And I have a bag to pack and homework to do, I don’t have time to possibly be murdered by the seemingly innocent new boy at our school" Exactly. That's what I was thinking.

    The huge family mentioned in the first chapter is so interesting! But giving away the broken heart by the wolf, was not. Unless it was her missing seeing the pup... but blue eyes for blue eyes. It's too easy to guess. Anyways, I look forward to the rest of your story.

    Also, your story is really interesting, but just too descriptive. By that I mean that you tell us more than you show us. Show us she went to the library and they only had two books, we can see the significance to the character. Don't tell us everything through quick details.

    Readers are here to stay, you can get as descriptive as you want. Fill the page space like the mind of the narrator.

    Her parents sound interesting, as does her giant family. I want too know more! When you describe them, give us more details. They are important, bring them forth.

    One more thing before I run off to read your story. It's an advice I am sure you will have fun swinging with. Slide down this paragraph and see the wondrous games of sentence length:

    "This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

    All the best. And I love the golden divide with your layout. Beautiful.
    August 1st, 2012 at 10:43pm
  • ForgetMeNot13

    ForgetMeNot13 (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    United States
    Love this moar Mr. Green
    August 1st, 2012 at 10:12pm
  • MarriahShadz

    MarriahShadz (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    34
    Location:
    United States
    This is fantastic so far.
    I love the pace you have going on, not too slow and definitely not too fast.
    Looking forward to what's going to happen next.
    July 27th, 2012 at 12:04am
  • Silver.Heart

    Silver.Heart (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    Wow, I like it already! Update soon!
    June 9th, 2012 at 08:22am
  • birdbones

    birdbones (150)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    27
    Location:
    Canada
    This is really nice, actually. I am excited to read more! You have a really strong writers voice, and it's pleasant to read!
    June 8th, 2012 at 07:44pm