Blue Moon - Comments

Please keep going!

I'm really digging this story. I want to know what happens next already!

this is getting really good! please continue!

Found this through comment swap. I like it so far, I think you've got a good start to what can be an amazing story. I'm really curious as to why she's being called Jenny. And I hope to find out soon. I hope you keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more of this story! :)

I'm intrigued. Why is she being called Jenny? I would like to know!
This story has potential! I just think it's lacking a little description you know? I feel you're leaving out how Sara feels and how the other characters feel. Like you know how they feel so you forget to mention it. With a little more description with your dialouge and the use of more creative language you could take this story up a level. Give it a more personal feel so it's like our name is Sara and we have a bitchy roommate that we're fantasizing about.
There's a few grammar and spelling errors but that is really no big deal, I know I have a lot if I don't take my time editting.
I've noticed some people talking about your layout, and I don't think it really matters. The layout doesn't change the content of the story, and since when was a great novel dressed up all pretty? They aren't!
One thing I can suggest to you though, if you want to become a better writer, is read a lot! To become a good writer the easiest thing you can do is read. Read what you like and, don't copy, but try and become free with writing and take inspiration for anywhere. Instead of being all this happened, and that happened. Reading will also help expand your vocabulary. I didn't notice any repitition with words in your story, but if you ever find yourself using a descriptive word more than once, use the thesaurus!
Other than that I wish you luck! You're a good writer with an imaginition!

I have agree with Alexander Bernadotte regarding the layout. I had to switch to default layout because it was impossible to read the grey font. As Bernadotte mentioned, a good layout will definitely increase your reader count and comments.

I like the plot because it's not overused and it does sound very original. I agree with those before me that mentioned Sarah's lack of emotional response - she seemed almost too dull and a bit predictable when it came down to her behavior. I felt like she was very sleepy and just seemed to walk through everything as if it were a dream. All the other characters were too vivid compared to her. But where she lacked Ariel excelled. Ariel seems far too violent, even. I am intrigued as to why she insists on calling Sarah Jenny and her reasons for treating her so bad.

The only suggestions is that you proof-read your story because I did pick up grammar as well as spelling errors. A recurring error was the lack of capitalization on the name Jazmine, and in one occasion a character asked a question but the dialogue lacked a question mark. This story certainly has potential and I believe that with some effort you will make take it to another level.

First of all, I find it ironic that I share a first name with this Ms. Swenson; but alas, I’m not a player and I don’t think I’m as mean as she is. More like a no-player-no-game kind of girl, lmao! Anyways, onto the review.

I won’t lie, the layout could use some work. On Mibba, the layout is almost a hook for the story; if you have a nice layout, you’ll get more readers and comments that way. The grey writing on black made it hard to see and I had to switch to the ‘default layout’ option because of that. I suggest changing it if you want more readers c:

The plot so far is pretty interesting. This isn’t something I read very often. What really kind of bugs me is how mean Ariel is. Maybe I didn’t read it as thoroughly as I should’ve, but I don’t get why she’s so mean to Sara, especially when Sara did nothing at all to provoke Ariel. I also agree with Wounded Huntress when she says that Sara seems a bit off with her lack of emotions. The other characters seem to be more in-tune with their emotions compared to Sara. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it would be nice to see how Sara really feels from time to time. But anyways, I like this little twist to the story and the fact that you introduce all of these cool characters in the first chapter.

I’m hooked so far and I’m really interested to continue reading this. I also suggest finding a beta for this so they can help you iron out the last kinks here. Other than that, this is brilliant. I wish you the best of luck in continuing this! <3

Omg baby this story is doing great :) you're such a great author I love it and I love you! I thought her dream was really happening, I didn't know if you were trying to do that but I like it . :))

Hm... I can't say I liked this, but I can't say I hated it either.

As far as the plot goes, it seems pretty sane so far. No surprise "Omg-My-Roomate-Is-Orlando-Bloom" bullshit. For that, I am grateful.

There is something, something interesting, I daresay, about the way she says "Jenny". It boggles my mind and makes me interested. I do not know why, especially because I disliked the story (due purely to my lack of taste in this genre and not your personal flaws).

So that is a plus for you.

What I would suggest is adding some more personal emotion to the narrator. The characters introduced thus far seem pretty realistic, but Sara herself is totally off. She expresses little emotion, explains very little about herself (for example, about the whole body-shyness, she never explains why OR displays much nervous emotion at being exposed naked to a total stranger. If someone walked in on me bathing, I would scream, yell, throw shoes, and threaten to sue for sexual assault and/or attempted manslaughter). So I suggest you work on that.

Good job, though!

I think the layout could use some work, it doesn't really grab the reader's attention or give any indication as to what the story is about.

This is my story about Ariel and me I think you should rephrase that line, it doesn't really work grammatically.

Maybe This is mine and Ariel's story."

This has a potential, so stick at it :)

“Curiosity killed the cat but cats have nine lives…” lol!! I always say that myself hahaha. Anyways, I actually like this, it seems interesting and at first I thought it was a guy and a girl but no!! :B hahaha looking forward to reading more, I really like these sort of stories. And also, your writing style is really laid back and easy to read which is good! :D so keep up the good work :D

The summary definitely grabbed my attention, but I wasn’t sure what to expect. Reading the first chapter, I was really surprised at the end. That Ariel girl was really mean to Sara for ,what appears to be, no reason. Why did she call her Jenny and why did she speak to her so harshly? What do Sara do wrong? I really like that twist you added to the story and I also liked that you chose to introduce all your characters in to this one chapter. I don’t have a feel for them yet, but hopefully as the story progress, more of their personality, goals, etc. will shine through.

Your story definitely holds promise. Keep updating and keep up the great writing. I agree with the person below that you should just start with “I answered an ad for a roommate.” It’d make a much greater opening line!

Interesting summary. Sort of sets the story up to be a typical teen story, but I'm sure you'll turn it into something original and great.

I think that you should have started the first chapter with the "I answered an ad for a room-mate." part, because it seems like you're just jumping all over the place with talk about 'one week'. So, could be a good idea to start with her finding the apartment, then changing into the one week later thoughts.

One of those insemination deals were they put sperm in a women. - where, not were.

I liked the Curiosity killed the cat but cats have nine lives so there’s no need for worry. line a lot :)

Why did she call me jenny? - make sure you capitalise names.

I think the main piece of con crit to give you is to ensure you proof read it all before you post it to make sure you don't have any silly mistakes. :)

I like the description and interaction between the character. It makes for a good opening. I like the story you have a talent for writing and can’t wait to see where this story goes. It definitely has potential, and you have a great way with words. Great job, keep it up!