March 4th, 2021 at 05:32pm
Wow. Your writing is so detailed and fluent. I felt like I was getting so much information from reading this story, while also not knowing fully what was going on. I haven't read many non-linear story lines so I think it would take me a little longer to get used to, but I'm enjoying it so far. "In a world with no colour, then, everything was lit up." I don't know why, but that line captured my attention and I immediately loved it.
I also like how in just three chapters you have created so much depth to Jaz and Ally and I can already see the character development beginning to rise. I really hope you continue writing this because it's a really fascinating story and I think lots of people would enjoy it.
Maybe try something like, “Sunrise, or what was left of it, tiptoed across the ash sky and paused for a few seconds in the center, shining magenta beams across the world.”
Or, “Sunrise, or what was left of it, tiptoed across the ash sky, pausing for a few seconds in the center and shining magenta beams across the world.”
Oh, I like how the tower remains seem cheerful, this is cool. :)
A voice can’t whisper. A person has to. Try, “Are you sure that’s the right sun?” The words were whispered or “someone whispered” or “The words came as a whisper” or “The voice was hushed.”
“A girl was leant against it…” consider changing to, “A girl leant against it.” (Was is unnecessary. Also is leant normal where you’re from? It’s weird to me. “leaned” is much more common here.)
“…who was sat a few meters ahead” consider change to “who sat a few meters ahead.” (Get rid of was, it is a “too be verb” and should be used as little as possible.)
Instead of one girl and the other how about go ahead and describe something about the first one speaking? Maybe like “A girl with (whatever color hair or eyes or something distinctive) leant against it.) I know nothing about these girls and they are interchangeable, give me something to get to know them.
Okay you mention one being slightly older, this is good, but maybe do it sooner. :)
“The two girls watched on in silence. Watched the pink sun shake slightly in the sky, and gradually fall back again. They watched the hard empty buildings become shapes of horror rather than the powdered pink decorations they momentarily were.”
You’re sentences are so short it causes some words to feel repetitive to me. Consider combining them more. (delete “in the sky” unless specified, we will assume the sun is in the sky,) (Drop “back again” It feels unnecessary.) (Add a coma after “hard”) Consider morph vs become. It gives more a sense of something from a nightmare.
Consider something like, “The girls watched in silence, noting the pink sun shake slightly and gradually fall. They watched the hard, empty buildings morph into shapes of horror, contrasting the momentary powdered pink decorations.”
Consider changing “All around them were hills…” to “Hills sloped all around them, rough like everything else.”
A good rule is to avoid starting a sentence with “There was…” (you need a comma after “foggy.”) (Leftover is one word.)
Consider changing “There was a foggy green lake, caked in left over bones, and that was pretty much it” to “Leftover bones remained caked in a foggy, green lake, and that was pretty much it.”
“Mostly monochrome, and mainly minimalistic.” Is a sentence fragment. Consider changing to, “The scenery appeared mostly monochromatic and mainly minimalistic.” (you don’t need a comma unless there is an independent clause after and.)
I like the tears explanation! Cool! :)
“…carding a hand through her own short black hair.” You are either the same author as the last chapter I read, or you are from the same country because I’ve never heard of “carding a hand through hair.” I love it! You also used “leant” vs “leaned” which must be common where you’re from; it’s unusual to hear here.
Drop “own” it’s redundant. We know her hair is her own hair! :)
Why are you doing single quotations instead of double?
“She nodded in agreement.” Drop “in agreement.” It’s redundant. Nodding is agreeing. :)
I like the “curtain of pale blonde fringe.” Nice! :)
“grew around each other like vines” <-- Nice! :)
I encourage you to look up “words to delete from my writing” on google. You have a lot of words that are unnecessary/redundant and should be cut. :)
Oh, the virus is so cool and unique! :)
I like that you end the chapter with Immy finally deciding they would leave, but maybe you could word it more dramatically?
You have an interesting concept, and I like the weird relationship between the girls who don’t really know each other. The world you’ve created and the virus are intriguing, but the pace is too slow, and I find myself wanting some action.
I understand there’s probably some exciting things to come, but there needs to be more of it in this first chapter to really grab your readers. It’s like these girls are kind of just lounging around, feeling doom and gloomy, staring at the horrible shape of the world. There’s no excitement for them and none for the readers. It’s totally cool if you disagree with me. Writing is subjective, and my opinions aren’t facts, but just how I felt, and what I thought reading this first chapter.
Depending on what happens next, you may consider rearranging your work to where there is some action in the first chapter, then maybe sprinkle in some of the details as you go. When I went back to edit my book, I realized I needed to cut the first three chapters… I’m not kidding, and it was painful at first, but you need to start you book with things happening. Nothing happened in the entire first chapter. Start where the first exciting thing happens, then they can “flashback” to this scene where they are thinking of leaving. I hope that makes sense and is helpful! :)
Feel free to check out my first chapter too! ❤️